For one night only!
And so I have had my first yearly check up a few weeks ago, and all is going well. I cannot bring myself to say it is “going good” or that I am ‘all clear” because this to me still feels like tempting fate.
Everyday there is always something that reminds me that I am on borrowed time, time that I nearly didn’t have. I live everyday remembering how grateful I am to be here and be so incredibly happy!
I have had the most amazing year! I promised myself that I would do something fun every month and always have something to look forward to. I created a list of all the things I wanted to do and called it my “kick it” list! I have had such a successful year ticking things off and more excitingly adding more to it!
I cannot go long before I mention meeting my soulmate who has reminded me what love really is! I cannot thank him enough for making me feel special again, and helping me to be me.
I was let down before but I feel no anger, it has lead me to a happier path and I am so grateful for being where I am now. I am slightly worried about him reading this as he will be appalled at my grammar 😬.
I have been promoted into a new role that has helped me regain my passion for the job I love so much. I now work in the outpatients department where I frequently come across people on similar “journeys” or ones going through so much more than I did. I love that I might be able to make their time at the hospital better. I remember someone describing The Christie Hospital as “an exclusive club that no one wants to be a member of”. This is so true! This job has also helped me to improve my work life balance and spend so much more quality time with the children.
Where do I start with my amazing children? They make me so proud everyday with everything that they do. Ava is doing so well at school, swimming and dancing and is showing that she hasn’t let mummies cancer hold her back! She incredibly caring and thoughtful and does anything she can to help me out. She still tells me that she is worried that I will die soon.
Finn is simply hilarious! Turning into a funny little man. We have so many fun times together. They are like my shadows and very clingy sometimes but surely it all had some impact on them. I hold them very tight and sneak a lot of cuddles in when they are sleeping, they are my world!
I have learnt the term “scanxiety”. It’s not just worrying about what might happen, but remembering what did happen. All of it comes flooding back whenever you have scans and tests or you are waiting for results. The yearly mammogram check - wow! Is the person sure they checked it properly? But what if something has developed since then?. At one of my follow up consultations I mentioned that I live every day with pins and needles in my hands. I also mentioned that the pain in my neck and shoulders was getting worse. You can imagine my worry as I was confronted with the need to have a spinal MRI scan. I knew that everyone in the room was thinking the same........could the cancer have spread to the bones in the spine.
I won’t lie I freaked!! Even though it was exactly what I wanted the doctor to do. Thankfully I just had a herniated disc in my cervical spine!! Oh and likely carpal tunnel in my wrists from the medication.
If I was to moan this I what I would say........
I’m a 36 year old in the menopause. On a daily basis I get frequent hot flushes, pins and needles in my hands. At least 2 nights a week I get really bad insomnia and only get 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes I still get pain all over my body when I am tired just like when I had the chemotherapy. It is like all my nerves are on edge and nothing but the morphine can get rid of it. I also get shoulder and neck pain which sometimes is not manageable by the end of the day.
I am a full time Lead Nurse/Matron and single parent, living 170 miles from my a lot of my friends, partner and family. I suffer fatigue and my body can’t do what my mind wants it to do. I am overweight and really struggle to loose the weight. I get headaches and nausea.....presumably from medication and menopause.
But actually in reality i would say I love my life and I couldn’t care less about any of the above. I am happy and I am alive!! I am loving doing lots of fun things with great people. I have the most amazing friends and family. Cancer has helped me to appreciate life more and put me in a happier place than I have been.
I am due to have my ovaries out next month to prevent further cancer and keep me in the menopause and still waiting further reconstructive surgery. I don’t feel anxious about any of that. Mainly because every experience I have had in all the hospitals has been amazing. So many caring and compassionate professionals.
And so I have had my first yearly check up a few weeks ago, and all is going well. I cannot bring myself to say it is “going good” or that I am ‘all clear” because this to me still feels like tempting fate.
Everyday there is always something that reminds me that I am on borrowed time, time that I nearly didn’t have. I live everyday remembering how grateful I am to be here and be so incredibly happy!
I have had the most amazing year! I promised myself that I would do something fun every month and always have something to look forward to. I created a list of all the things I wanted to do and called it my “kick it” list! I have had such a successful year ticking things off and more excitingly adding more to it!
I cannot go long before I mention meeting my soulmate who has reminded me what love really is! I cannot thank him enough for making me feel special again, and helping me to be me.
I was let down before but I feel no anger, it has lead me to a happier path and I am so grateful for being where I am now. I am slightly worried about him reading this as he will be appalled at my grammar 😬.
I have been promoted into a new role that has helped me regain my passion for the job I love so much. I now work in the outpatients department where I frequently come across people on similar “journeys” or ones going through so much more than I did. I love that I might be able to make their time at the hospital better. I remember someone describing The Christie Hospital as “an exclusive club that no one wants to be a member of”. This is so true! This job has also helped me to improve my work life balance and spend so much more quality time with the children.
Where do I start with my amazing children? They make me so proud everyday with everything that they do. Ava is doing so well at school, swimming and dancing and is showing that she hasn’t let mummies cancer hold her back! She incredibly caring and thoughtful and does anything she can to help me out. She still tells me that she is worried that I will die soon.
Finn is simply hilarious! Turning into a funny little man. We have so many fun times together. They are like my shadows and very clingy sometimes but surely it all had some impact on them. I hold them very tight and sneak a lot of cuddles in when they are sleeping, they are my world!
I have learnt the term “scanxiety”. It’s not just worrying about what might happen, but remembering what did happen. All of it comes flooding back whenever you have scans and tests or you are waiting for results. The yearly mammogram check - wow! Is the person sure they checked it properly? But what if something has developed since then?. At one of my follow up consultations I mentioned that I live every day with pins and needles in my hands. I also mentioned that the pain in my neck and shoulders was getting worse. You can imagine my worry as I was confronted with the need to have a spinal MRI scan. I knew that everyone in the room was thinking the same........could the cancer have spread to the bones in the spine.
I won’t lie I freaked!! Even though it was exactly what I wanted the doctor to do. Thankfully I just had a herniated disc in my cervical spine!! Oh and likely carpal tunnel in my wrists from the medication.
If I was to moan this I what I would say........
I’m a 36 year old in the menopause. On a daily basis I get frequent hot flushes, pins and needles in my hands. At least 2 nights a week I get really bad insomnia and only get 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes I still get pain all over my body when I am tired just like when I had the chemotherapy. It is like all my nerves are on edge and nothing but the morphine can get rid of it. I also get shoulder and neck pain which sometimes is not manageable by the end of the day.
I am a full time Lead Nurse/Matron and single parent, living 170 miles from my a lot of my friends, partner and family. I suffer fatigue and my body can’t do what my mind wants it to do. I am overweight and really struggle to loose the weight. I get headaches and nausea.....presumably from medication and menopause.
But actually in reality i would say I love my life and I couldn’t care less about any of the above. I am happy and I am alive!! I am loving doing lots of fun things with great people. I have the most amazing friends and family. Cancer has helped me to appreciate life more and put me in a happier place than I have been.
I am due to have my ovaries out next month to prevent further cancer and keep me in the menopause and still waiting further reconstructive surgery. I don’t feel anxious about any of that. Mainly because every experience I have had in all the hospitals has been amazing. So many caring and compassionate professionals.
Time to stop blogging?
I have refrained from updating this site because I have had very little to say about the cancer. I am trying to rebuild my life, and build myself up to full strength to get back to work. I love my job and it gives me so much self worth, and fulfilment, not to mention seeing all the great people I work with.
I also want to loose the two stone I have put on and get back to running. One of the risk factors for breast cancer is obesity, maintaining a healthy diet, weight and exercise has been proven to help prevent it. I have to do all I can for me and the children to keep it away. I have so much to look forward too and a lot of life to live.
I have encountered several periods of disappointment as I realise that my head wants to recover quicker than my body. I am suffering with insomnia despite constant fatigue. During the day if I am not active I easily fall asleep, but at night I can lie awake for hours and only manage 4 hours of restless sleep. Sometimes I struggle to drive and heavily rely on red bull!
I still get a lot of pain and aching and continue on some pretty powerful pain killers, but this is definitely improving. Having spoken to my ovarian suppression nurse and Herceptin practitioner I have found out that 3 medications I am on cause muscle and joint aches but also some of the pain is likely to be chemo myalgia.
But generally life is actually really good! I feel happier in myself than I have done for a long time. I feel that maybe cancer has had a meaning, to show me in life what and who is important to me. To guide me to new opportunities and exciting adventures. Cancer has introduced me to some amazing people and meet so many fantastic NHS staff. I am very excited for my future and busy planning lots with all those close to me.
I appreciate the small things in life and make sure that I wake with a smile and go to bed with a smile.
I will never be able to thank everyone enough for all their support and all the messages that have kept me going. Especially my family who have wrapped there arms around me and carried me through. I always knew we were a close family, but the bond is now tighter than ever.
Ava and Finn have made me so proud, the way in which they have coped with all the changes. They are my life, we have made so many memories and not wasted any opportunity - long may this continue!
Also the amazing NHS. Changing from being a nurse to being a patient has remained incredibly tough, but it has taught me so much. I hope that seeing it from the other side will help me to shape my practice as a nurse and give something back to the incredible health system. I have always been treated with the upmost care and compassion and received all my treatment to the highest standard and in a timely manner.
So do I continue to blog? I am not sure it would be of any interest or benefit to anyone. I did this so people could keep updated and try and give an insight into this 'journey'. I feel that this is now done.
In time I may return to it as it has been incredibly useful and therapeutic.
I have refrained from updating this site because I have had very little to say about the cancer. I am trying to rebuild my life, and build myself up to full strength to get back to work. I love my job and it gives me so much self worth, and fulfilment, not to mention seeing all the great people I work with.
I also want to loose the two stone I have put on and get back to running. One of the risk factors for breast cancer is obesity, maintaining a healthy diet, weight and exercise has been proven to help prevent it. I have to do all I can for me and the children to keep it away. I have so much to look forward too and a lot of life to live.
I have encountered several periods of disappointment as I realise that my head wants to recover quicker than my body. I am suffering with insomnia despite constant fatigue. During the day if I am not active I easily fall asleep, but at night I can lie awake for hours and only manage 4 hours of restless sleep. Sometimes I struggle to drive and heavily rely on red bull!
I still get a lot of pain and aching and continue on some pretty powerful pain killers, but this is definitely improving. Having spoken to my ovarian suppression nurse and Herceptin practitioner I have found out that 3 medications I am on cause muscle and joint aches but also some of the pain is likely to be chemo myalgia.
But generally life is actually really good! I feel happier in myself than I have done for a long time. I feel that maybe cancer has had a meaning, to show me in life what and who is important to me. To guide me to new opportunities and exciting adventures. Cancer has introduced me to some amazing people and meet so many fantastic NHS staff. I am very excited for my future and busy planning lots with all those close to me.
I appreciate the small things in life and make sure that I wake with a smile and go to bed with a smile.
I will never be able to thank everyone enough for all their support and all the messages that have kept me going. Especially my family who have wrapped there arms around me and carried me through. I always knew we were a close family, but the bond is now tighter than ever.
Ava and Finn have made me so proud, the way in which they have coped with all the changes. They are my life, we have made so many memories and not wasted any opportunity - long may this continue!
Also the amazing NHS. Changing from being a nurse to being a patient has remained incredibly tough, but it has taught me so much. I hope that seeing it from the other side will help me to shape my practice as a nurse and give something back to the incredible health system. I have always been treated with the upmost care and compassion and received all my treatment to the highest standard and in a timely manner.
So do I continue to blog? I am not sure it would be of any interest or benefit to anyone. I did this so people could keep updated and try and give an insight into this 'journey'. I feel that this is now done.
In time I may return to it as it has been incredibly useful and therapeutic.
What now??
A week in and I have had some unexpected wobbles. I feel like I am ready to get back to work and normality, but my body doesn't agree. The fatigue seems to have kicked in and I ache by the afternoon.
I still have my 3 weekly herceptin injections to have and my medications to suppress my ovaries. I am going through the menopause and have some symptoms but it's not been too bad. Maybe because I still have high levels of estrogen so will need zoladex injections.
Now it's kind of all over it feels like it has just hit me what I have been through. The treatment milestones keep you going now it seems like I am a bit lost. I want someone to scan me and check there is no cancer. But it's time to recover from it all and live my life to the full! I have so much that I want to do in life - let's hope the nasty thing never comes back!!
A week in and I have had some unexpected wobbles. I feel like I am ready to get back to work and normality, but my body doesn't agree. The fatigue seems to have kicked in and I ache by the afternoon.
I still have my 3 weekly herceptin injections to have and my medications to suppress my ovaries. I am going through the menopause and have some symptoms but it's not been too bad. Maybe because I still have high levels of estrogen so will need zoladex injections.
Now it's kind of all over it feels like it has just hit me what I have been through. The treatment milestones keep you going now it seems like I am a bit lost. I want someone to scan me and check there is no cancer. But it's time to recover from it all and live my life to the full! I have so much that I want to do in life - let's hope the nasty thing never comes back!!
Thursday 9th March 2017 - End of Radiotherapy!!!🍾
What an overwhelming, emotional day. I had so many lovely, supportive messages throughout the day and had to keep fighting back the tears.
I can't believe how many people have followed me through to the end, I am so so thankful to everyone.
Knowing today was a big landmark, I didn't want to go on my own. Laura travelled over from Huddersfield to come with me and help with the children.
With it being the end of my treatment I wanted Ava and Finn to be with me and Ava was keen to ring the bell.
I had already asked the school for permission to take Ava out of school. We all agreed that it would help her understand that I have now completed my treatment and hopefully life can go back to normal.
When I talk to Ava I tell her the cancer has all gone, but I can't let myself believe this.
The radiotherapy staff were amazing. They took Ava in with me to the radiotherapy room and showed her the machine and the bed that I lie on. They explained how it all worked and then let her use some of the controls to move the machine. She was a little star and made me so proud.
It was hard saying thank you and goodbye to all the staff that I have seen everyday for 5 weeks. They have made this treatment son much easier for me by being so caring and compassionate.
Ava was too scared to ring the bell but both of them came with me to ring it. The photo we had makes me a bit emotional. It makes me think of everything we have been through this last year and where we are now compared to at the beginning.
Physically my skin is very burnt and sore so I have two dressings on. My skin is starting to peel It's a bit uncomfortable but not too bad.
We took Ava back to school and then went out for some lunch. I had a quiet evening and will celebrate over the weekend. I was grateful for a few phone calls to pick me up.
I am finally at the end.
What an overwhelming, emotional day. I had so many lovely, supportive messages throughout the day and had to keep fighting back the tears.
I can't believe how many people have followed me through to the end, I am so so thankful to everyone.
Knowing today was a big landmark, I didn't want to go on my own. Laura travelled over from Huddersfield to come with me and help with the children.
With it being the end of my treatment I wanted Ava and Finn to be with me and Ava was keen to ring the bell.
I had already asked the school for permission to take Ava out of school. We all agreed that it would help her understand that I have now completed my treatment and hopefully life can go back to normal.
When I talk to Ava I tell her the cancer has all gone, but I can't let myself believe this.
The radiotherapy staff were amazing. They took Ava in with me to the radiotherapy room and showed her the machine and the bed that I lie on. They explained how it all worked and then let her use some of the controls to move the machine. She was a little star and made me so proud.
It was hard saying thank you and goodbye to all the staff that I have seen everyday for 5 weeks. They have made this treatment son much easier for me by being so caring and compassionate.
Ava was too scared to ring the bell but both of them came with me to ring it. The photo we had makes me a bit emotional. It makes me think of everything we have been through this last year and where we are now compared to at the beginning.
Physically my skin is very burnt and sore so I have two dressings on. My skin is starting to peel It's a bit uncomfortable but not too bad.
We took Ava back to school and then went out for some lunch. I had a quiet evening and will celebrate over the weekend. I was grateful for a few phone calls to pick me up.
I am finally at the end.
Monday 6th March 2017
If carslberg did weekends, this weekend would have been one of them. I had great time with amazing lifelong friends, family and loved ones! Apart from the obvious missing pieces that make up me - Ava and Finn.
Its hard to have time away from the children but they love time with Neil and it does mean that I recharge my batteries and appreciate my time back with them. I am sure that when I go back to work I will find it harder with not seeing them all week.
At school I was one of a close knit group of 15 girls. I always thought as we grew up and started moving away from our home town that we would drift apart, but we haven't.
On Saturday was Jenn's wedding and so we were all their together to enjoy it with her at Farnham Castle in Surrey.
It was a beautiful day for a beautiful couple. Everything was so well organised and perfect and you could see the happiness all around.
I felt so incredibly lucky to be part of an amazing and caring group of friends that are also utterly crazy and fun! There were a few of us that left some struggles behind us and danced the night away together.
Jenn and Charlie are set to have so many adventures ahead of them. The day was a perfect start to their life together.
It was straight back to reality with radiotherapy today.
My skin reaction is now very red and very sore. It is like severe suntan burns. There are a few areas where the skin has broken and blistered and I have to apply cream and dressings daily.
I was reminded that the skin is going to continue to get worse for up to 2 weeks after the treatment had ended but then it will start to repair itself. It is uncomfortable but manageable.
The fatigue is kicking in more. I seem to feel tired all the time despite the amount of sleep I manage, but it isn't stopping me doing anything.
Only 3 left to go!!
It was lovely to be back home with Ava and Finn and have lots of cuddles.
If carslberg did weekends, this weekend would have been one of them. I had great time with amazing lifelong friends, family and loved ones! Apart from the obvious missing pieces that make up me - Ava and Finn.
Its hard to have time away from the children but they love time with Neil and it does mean that I recharge my batteries and appreciate my time back with them. I am sure that when I go back to work I will find it harder with not seeing them all week.
At school I was one of a close knit group of 15 girls. I always thought as we grew up and started moving away from our home town that we would drift apart, but we haven't.
On Saturday was Jenn's wedding and so we were all their together to enjoy it with her at Farnham Castle in Surrey.
It was a beautiful day for a beautiful couple. Everything was so well organised and perfect and you could see the happiness all around.
I felt so incredibly lucky to be part of an amazing and caring group of friends that are also utterly crazy and fun! There were a few of us that left some struggles behind us and danced the night away together.
Jenn and Charlie are set to have so many adventures ahead of them. The day was a perfect start to their life together.
It was straight back to reality with radiotherapy today.
My skin reaction is now very red and very sore. It is like severe suntan burns. There are a few areas where the skin has broken and blistered and I have to apply cream and dressings daily.
I was reminded that the skin is going to continue to get worse for up to 2 weeks after the treatment had ended but then it will start to repair itself. It is uncomfortable but manageable.
The fatigue is kicking in more. I seem to feel tired all the time despite the amount of sleep I manage, but it isn't stopping me doing anything.
Only 3 left to go!!
It was lovely to be back home with Ava and Finn and have lots of cuddles.
Wednesday 1st March 2017
Today I was back to see my amazing plastic surgeon, Miss Tagazadhi at St Helens Hospital. Just like me, she is delighted with the recovery from the surgery and how well the reconstruction is coping with the radiotherapy.
I am so pleased right now that I opted for the immediate reconstruction and pushed to get this done. I am too vein to have had to of waited a year to have it done.
Miss Tagazadhi went through all the "tweaking" surgery that she plans to do including tidying up scars and loose skin, further lipo reduction and filling and nipple reconstruction. She claims to be a perfectionist and I am delighted she is!
I will most definitely have a better body than pre cancer at this rate!
She explained that surgery the first time was so difficult due to the state that the chemotherapy had left my veins and arteries in and she wouldn't want to risk further surgery for at least another 6-12 months. Also to allow time for my skin to repair from the radiotherapy.
I feel so well most of the time that I forget the gruelling treatment my body has been through. I have been very lucky to never look like your stereotypical cancer patient so I can easily forget.
I have to admit that that initially I was a bit gutted at the thought of waiting over 6 months for the next lot of surgery. I am so keen to move on and live my life without cancer and any reminders of it. I must be patient and allow myself a year to focus on physically and mentally recovering from a tough year. I want to get back to my healthy lifestyle choices and shifting the weight again.
Who better than a plastic surgeon to see after loosing weight!!
I also know that fitting in my "tweaking" suregery is not a priority for the nhs and rightly so. When I needed my surgery quickly I got it and I would never want to stand in the way of someone else getting exactly the same care.
Today I was back to see my amazing plastic surgeon, Miss Tagazadhi at St Helens Hospital. Just like me, she is delighted with the recovery from the surgery and how well the reconstruction is coping with the radiotherapy.
I am so pleased right now that I opted for the immediate reconstruction and pushed to get this done. I am too vein to have had to of waited a year to have it done.
Miss Tagazadhi went through all the "tweaking" surgery that she plans to do including tidying up scars and loose skin, further lipo reduction and filling and nipple reconstruction. She claims to be a perfectionist and I am delighted she is!
I will most definitely have a better body than pre cancer at this rate!
She explained that surgery the first time was so difficult due to the state that the chemotherapy had left my veins and arteries in and she wouldn't want to risk further surgery for at least another 6-12 months. Also to allow time for my skin to repair from the radiotherapy.
I feel so well most of the time that I forget the gruelling treatment my body has been through. I have been very lucky to never look like your stereotypical cancer patient so I can easily forget.
I have to admit that that initially I was a bit gutted at the thought of waiting over 6 months for the next lot of surgery. I am so keen to move on and live my life without cancer and any reminders of it. I must be patient and allow myself a year to focus on physically and mentally recovering from a tough year. I want to get back to my healthy lifestyle choices and shifting the weight again.
Who better than a plastic surgeon to see after loosing weight!!
I also know that fitting in my "tweaking" suregery is not a priority for the nhs and rightly so. When I needed my surgery quickly I got it and I would never want to stand in the way of someone else getting exactly the same care.
Saturday 25th February 2017
Over half way now with the treatment and I'm pleased to have the weekend off. I have a nice weekend planned with family and friends which is enough to keep me smiling.
Mum and dad are up to help with the children and getting me to and from radiotherapy. Especially with the lack of sleep and increasing tiredness I am getting.
The last couple of days I have had bad headaches and feel sick if I don't drink at least 2 litres of water. My skin is also getting a bit redder.
Otherwise all the treatment is going very well.
As I think I have already mentioned, I need to start on the zoladex injections to suppress my ovaries further. The tamoxifen has not managed to do it on its own.
Apparently one side affect is that it can cause brittle bones and osteoporosis so they need to do regular bone scans to monitor. On Friday I had one which they will use as a baseline before commencing the injections. I seriously must be glowing a bit from radiation now.
Its the North West Brass Band area contest tomorrow so normally I would be out rehearsing everynight. It's a bit strange not playing but I haven't missed having to attend all the extra rehearsals. I will enjoy a nice social day listening to bands and catching up with people.
Over half way now with the treatment and I'm pleased to have the weekend off. I have a nice weekend planned with family and friends which is enough to keep me smiling.
Mum and dad are up to help with the children and getting me to and from radiotherapy. Especially with the lack of sleep and increasing tiredness I am getting.
The last couple of days I have had bad headaches and feel sick if I don't drink at least 2 litres of water. My skin is also getting a bit redder.
Otherwise all the treatment is going very well.
As I think I have already mentioned, I need to start on the zoladex injections to suppress my ovaries further. The tamoxifen has not managed to do it on its own.
Apparently one side affect is that it can cause brittle bones and osteoporosis so they need to do regular bone scans to monitor. On Friday I had one which they will use as a baseline before commencing the injections. I seriously must be glowing a bit from radiation now.
Its the North West Brass Band area contest tomorrow so normally I would be out rehearsing everynight. It's a bit strange not playing but I haven't missed having to attend all the extra rehearsals. I will enjoy a nice social day listening to bands and catching up with people.
Sunday 19th February 2017 - warning more moaning!
This week I have only been managing 4 hours sleep a night due to insomnia and unsettled children. Last night was a record only getting 3 hours. I feel tired but no matter what I do I can't seem to sleep. I am told that this is likely to be the cause of the enforced menopause and the medication I have to take but they also keep telling me the radiotherapy causes fatigue which will help me to sleep. Sadly it isn't.
The other problem is that finn is waking 1-2 hourly and Ava at least twice a night. Ava with bad dreams and Finn seems to want someone with him. Roll on midweek when mum and dad are back up for a few days.
I am getting a lot of pain but that has always been closely linked to tiredness and fatigue since the chemotherapy. Good job I still have some great pain killers prescribed!
My skin is becoming red, but otherwise the radiotherapy is going really well.
On the positive side I am nearly half way through the radiotherapy, Ava won the bear at dance this week and I received a lovely new cancer unity band from an annoumous sender. Thank you! These things have put a big smile on my face this week!
This week I have only been managing 4 hours sleep a night due to insomnia and unsettled children. Last night was a record only getting 3 hours. I feel tired but no matter what I do I can't seem to sleep. I am told that this is likely to be the cause of the enforced menopause and the medication I have to take but they also keep telling me the radiotherapy causes fatigue which will help me to sleep. Sadly it isn't.
The other problem is that finn is waking 1-2 hourly and Ava at least twice a night. Ava with bad dreams and Finn seems to want someone with him. Roll on midweek when mum and dad are back up for a few days.
I am getting a lot of pain but that has always been closely linked to tiredness and fatigue since the chemotherapy. Good job I still have some great pain killers prescribed!
My skin is becoming red, but otherwise the radiotherapy is going really well.
On the positive side I am nearly half way through the radiotherapy, Ava won the bear at dance this week and I received a lovely new cancer unity band from an annoumous sender. Thank you! These things have put a big smile on my face this week!
Tuesday 14th February 2017 ❤️
So this is probably my first Valentine's Day single for a long time, but I don't feel sad. I have always felt that it's a bit of a
commercial thing and that if someone loves me they will spoil me when they want to and vice versa.
It does leave me thinking about how people with cancer move on to find new relationships. Who really wants to get into a relationship with someone who has cancer or is living every year wondering if it might come back......??
Hopefully someone in the future will fall for me and accept this baggage! But if they don't?? It won't stop me having fun with friends and family.
I have a valentines date with Karen to see "fifty shades darker" at the cinema, that will keep me smiling.
I am 8 out of 25 treatments and all is going well. My main problem is still my lack of sleep. I am only managing to get about 4 1/2 hours broken sleep a night. I have hot sweats and insomnia, plus two little monkeys who like to wake a lot in the night. I have also started to get a lot of pain in my neck, shoulders, left arm and back. When it gets bad I give in to the strong painkillers.
So this is probably my first Valentine's Day single for a long time, but I don't feel sad. I have always felt that it's a bit of a
commercial thing and that if someone loves me they will spoil me when they want to and vice versa.
It does leave me thinking about how people with cancer move on to find new relationships. Who really wants to get into a relationship with someone who has cancer or is living every year wondering if it might come back......??
Hopefully someone in the future will fall for me and accept this baggage! But if they don't?? It won't stop me having fun with friends and family.
I have a valentines date with Karen to see "fifty shades darker" at the cinema, that will keep me smiling.
I am 8 out of 25 treatments and all is going well. My main problem is still my lack of sleep. I am only managing to get about 4 1/2 hours broken sleep a night. I have hot sweats and insomnia, plus two little monkeys who like to wake a lot in the night. I have also started to get a lot of pain in my neck, shoulders, left arm and back. When it gets bad I give in to the strong painkillers.
Thursday 9th February 2017
I have now completed 5 out of 25 days of my radiotherapy. On Monday the machine was broken so I had to
miss my treatment, they have added an extra day at the end of my schedule.
After my treatment today I was reviewed by one of the radiographers to discuss any reactions I may be experiencing.
My skin is just beginning to become a little bit red on the left side of my chest, back and neck. As directed I am applying the aqueous cream 2-3 times a day to help.
My my biggest problem at the moment is issues with not sleeping. Some nights I am only getting 4 hours sleep which is broken up. I have some night sweats and am very restless. I can wake and then struggle to get back to sleep even though I feel so tired.
Finn and Ava both still wake in the night, even though they go straight back off to sleep it's breaking my sleep even more. At the moment I try to make the most of the time that they are with their Dad or at school and nursery to catch up on sleep.
Having to go to the hospital and have treatment every day has made this whole cancer journey hit home again. It reminds me that I'm not over it all yet and will live with the fear of it returning. I love trying to get on with life as normal and can't wait for radiotherapy to finish.
Finn had his 2nd Birthday on Tuesday so we had a small party tea for him and family. He is growing up so fast and is such a gorgeous little character just like Ava. I feel so lucky to have such great children they make me so proud and never fail to put a smile on my face.
I am looking forward to being a proper mum to them both without feeling so tired or having to leave them to get to hospital appointments.
Last weekend I went to a hen do in Oxford. It was for one of my friends from school who is getting married next month. It was lovely and so special to be around all my friends. We have quite a unique group of friends, there are about 15 of us that have kept close and still go out together. We have always been there for one another and I feel this now
more than ever, I really am
standing with an army!
I have now completed 5 out of 25 days of my radiotherapy. On Monday the machine was broken so I had to
miss my treatment, they have added an extra day at the end of my schedule.
After my treatment today I was reviewed by one of the radiographers to discuss any reactions I may be experiencing.
My skin is just beginning to become a little bit red on the left side of my chest, back and neck. As directed I am applying the aqueous cream 2-3 times a day to help.
My my biggest problem at the moment is issues with not sleeping. Some nights I am only getting 4 hours sleep which is broken up. I have some night sweats and am very restless. I can wake and then struggle to get back to sleep even though I feel so tired.
Finn and Ava both still wake in the night, even though they go straight back off to sleep it's breaking my sleep even more. At the moment I try to make the most of the time that they are with their Dad or at school and nursery to catch up on sleep.
Having to go to the hospital and have treatment every day has made this whole cancer journey hit home again. It reminds me that I'm not over it all yet and will live with the fear of it returning. I love trying to get on with life as normal and can't wait for radiotherapy to finish.
Finn had his 2nd Birthday on Tuesday so we had a small party tea for him and family. He is growing up so fast and is such a gorgeous little character just like Ava. I feel so lucky to have such great children they make me so proud and never fail to put a smile on my face.
I am looking forward to being a proper mum to them both without feeling so tired or having to leave them to get to hospital appointments.
Last weekend I went to a hen do in Oxford. It was for one of my friends from school who is getting married next month. It was lovely and so special to be around all my friends. We have quite a unique group of friends, there are about 15 of us that have kept close and still go out together. We have always been there for one another and I feel this now
more than ever, I really am
standing with an army!
Thursday 2nd February 2017 - Starting radiotherapy
Today I started 20 fractions of radiotherapy to my breast, chest and lymph glands. I am having the treatment at Clatterbridge's satellite centre attached to Aintree Hospital in Liverpool.
It has just received 'Outstanding' status by the CQC hospital inspection and I can see why. It is a beautiful, clean, well organised site with caring and compassionate staff. The whole environment and staff make me feel very at ease straight away.
I was given a special gown to wear and to keep until the end of my treatment (Ava doesn't think much to this!). It is a very technical procedure which takes time for the radiographer to set the machine up in the exact same place every time. I have two permanent, tattoo markers and then some temporary pen marks over my chest.
The treatment itself is painless and fairly quick. It was a bit daunting to begin with just but just because I was facing a bit of the unknown.
Karen had kindly taken the day off work to come with me for my first one, I was glad not to do the first one alone.
I have to have it every day, Monday to Friday and have the weekends off. The treatment will be given over 5 weeks.
I was given cream to apply twice a day and a list of instructions of things I must not do.
I am use to evaluating radiotherapy reactions, in particular skin reactions. We see reactions a lot on my ward and frequently have to dress them.
Today I started 20 fractions of radiotherapy to my breast, chest and lymph glands. I am having the treatment at Clatterbridge's satellite centre attached to Aintree Hospital in Liverpool.
It has just received 'Outstanding' status by the CQC hospital inspection and I can see why. It is a beautiful, clean, well organised site with caring and compassionate staff. The whole environment and staff make me feel very at ease straight away.
I was given a special gown to wear and to keep until the end of my treatment (Ava doesn't think much to this!). It is a very technical procedure which takes time for the radiographer to set the machine up in the exact same place every time. I have two permanent, tattoo markers and then some temporary pen marks over my chest.
The treatment itself is painless and fairly quick. It was a bit daunting to begin with just but just because I was facing a bit of the unknown.
Karen had kindly taken the day off work to come with me for my first one, I was glad not to do the first one alone.
I have to have it every day, Monday to Friday and have the weekends off. The treatment will be given over 5 weeks.
I was given cream to apply twice a day and a list of instructions of things I must not do.
I am use to evaluating radiotherapy reactions, in particular skin reactions. We see reactions a lot on my ward and frequently have to dress them.
Wednesday 1st February 2017
So I have another wound infection on the 'good' breast. Like last time it is where the sutures have poked out of the skin and not dissolved. I am wondering how long until they go completely.
My GP has been fantastic. Because I am struggling to get an appointment to see her she has prescribed antibiotics based on the symptoms I have told her. The wound is oozing, and is red and sore.
I am just relieved that it is on the good side so it won't affect the radiotherapy.
Finn and I enjoyed going to watch Ava's school assembly. The class are all growing up so much and I was very proud to see that Ava was a bit more confident in speaking.
So I have another wound infection on the 'good' breast. Like last time it is where the sutures have poked out of the skin and not dissolved. I am wondering how long until they go completely.
My GP has been fantastic. Because I am struggling to get an appointment to see her she has prescribed antibiotics based on the symptoms I have told her. The wound is oozing, and is red and sore.
I am just relieved that it is on the good side so it won't affect the radiotherapy.
Finn and I enjoyed going to watch Ava's school assembly. The class are all growing up so much and I was very proud to see that Ava was a bit more confident in speaking.
Tuesday 31st January 2017
I had two hospital appointments today and started the day with a flat battery😬😬. I was due to drop Ava at Neil's so I could beat the traffic to get to The Christie Hospital.
I was very greatful to Neil for allowing me to borrow his car for the day.
I had my herceptin injection without any problems and as usual paid a visit to the ward. There are quite a few faces I don't recognise now. I am so keen to get back to work as soon as I can but I know my body and head will need a bit of time after I have completed my treatment.
I do wonder if I will crash and
burn out at the end of it all. I have been through so much physically and emotionally the past nine months, I am surprised at the strength I have found to get me through.
I then had to make it across to Aintree to attend an arm exercise class prior to starting radiotherapy. It was useful to go through the exercises to prevent stiffness.
I had two hospital appointments today and started the day with a flat battery😬😬. I was due to drop Ava at Neil's so I could beat the traffic to get to The Christie Hospital.
I was very greatful to Neil for allowing me to borrow his car for the day.
I had my herceptin injection without any problems and as usual paid a visit to the ward. There are quite a few faces I don't recognise now. I am so keen to get back to work as soon as I can but I know my body and head will need a bit of time after I have completed my treatment.
I do wonder if I will crash and
burn out at the end of it all. I have been through so much physically and emotionally the past nine months, I am surprised at the strength I have found to get me through.
I then had to make it across to Aintree to attend an arm exercise class prior to starting radiotherapy. It was useful to go through the exercises to prevent stiffness.
Thursday 26th January 2017
This afternoon I had a lymphodema advice clinic to attend. It was held at the clatterbridge centre in Aintree Hospital Liverpool which is where I will be having my radiotherapy.
I have now been seen in 6 hospitals within the last 8 months, this is more hospitals than I have been in my whole nursing career!
The class was to discuss precautions that I need to take to prevent getting lymphodema in the future. You would think working in oncology I would know it all already, but sadly not.
Aside from making sure the arm is not used for blood taking and blood pressure, I must also make sure that any cuts or bites are treated immediately with antiseptic cream. Also that at the first sign of infection I get antibiotics that day.
I need to do regular exercises, avoid heavy lifting, and try and prevent any breaks to the skin in that arm.
I am hoping that by putting this in my blog, my friends and family will remind me of these things. They have permission to shout at me to wear insect repellant or if they see me
doing something I shouldn't. We all know that I am terrible at looking after myself, I don't practice what I preach.
Mine and Ava's unity bands arrived today for world cancer day on February the 4th. The money raised goes into cancer research.
We are both wearing them with pride.
This afternoon I had a lymphodema advice clinic to attend. It was held at the clatterbridge centre in Aintree Hospital Liverpool which is where I will be having my radiotherapy.
I have now been seen in 6 hospitals within the last 8 months, this is more hospitals than I have been in my whole nursing career!
The class was to discuss precautions that I need to take to prevent getting lymphodema in the future. You would think working in oncology I would know it all already, but sadly not.
Aside from making sure the arm is not used for blood taking and blood pressure, I must also make sure that any cuts or bites are treated immediately with antiseptic cream. Also that at the first sign of infection I get antibiotics that day.
I need to do regular exercises, avoid heavy lifting, and try and prevent any breaks to the skin in that arm.
I am hoping that by putting this in my blog, my friends and family will remind me of these things. They have permission to shout at me to wear insect repellant or if they see me
doing something I shouldn't. We all know that I am terrible at looking after myself, I don't practice what I preach.
Mine and Ava's unity bands arrived today for world cancer day on February the 4th. The money raised goes into cancer research.
We are both wearing them with pride.
Wednesday 25th January 2017
Today I received a call from the specialist nurse at the Christie Hospital. She informed me that my recent blood tests show high levels of oestrogen.
This means that as well as taking the tamoxifen, I will need to commence zoladex injections after my radiotherapy has completed. This is to suppress my ovaries and stop the production of this hormone.
The cancer is oestrogen receptive so having high levels of this hormone puts me more at risk of getting the cancer back.
She explained that there is a risk of the drug causing osteoporosis so I will need to have a bone density scan before starting it so we can measure its affects.
I will take osteoporosis over cancer any day!
Its so nice to know that I have so many professionals taking care of every aspect of my treatment. Having confidence in others has finally allowed me to stop being the nurse and just be a patient.
Today I received a call from the specialist nurse at the Christie Hospital. She informed me that my recent blood tests show high levels of oestrogen.
This means that as well as taking the tamoxifen, I will need to commence zoladex injections after my radiotherapy has completed. This is to suppress my ovaries and stop the production of this hormone.
The cancer is oestrogen receptive so having high levels of this hormone puts me more at risk of getting the cancer back.
She explained that there is a risk of the drug causing osteoporosis so I will need to have a bone density scan before starting it so we can measure its affects.
I will take osteoporosis over cancer any day!
Its so nice to know that I have so many professionals taking care of every aspect of my treatment. Having confidence in others has finally allowed me to stop being the nurse and just be a patient.
Tuesday 24th January 2017
Ouch, news today that a school friends mum has died after battling breast cancer for 15 years. I can only imagine the amount of mental and physical strength she must have had and the family too to keep fighting against it. Thinking of them today.
Six months ago, when I had just been diagnosed I would be happy if someone told me I had 15 years left in me, I thought I had much less. But 15 years is not long enough, I want to live to see everything that every mother wants to see and I have so
much living to do.
Thats why why every day I wake with a smile because I am here. I am so proud of the NHS and what it has given me. I remember one of my colleagues at the Christie saying "It's time for us to wrap our arms around you now and carry you through to the end, let us look after you", they certainly have and I have smiled all the way through.
Life is for living and that's what I am going to do - every day!!
I'm turning the "Can't's" into "Cans" and making dreams come true.
Ouch, news today that a school friends mum has died after battling breast cancer for 15 years. I can only imagine the amount of mental and physical strength she must have had and the family too to keep fighting against it. Thinking of them today.
Six months ago, when I had just been diagnosed I would be happy if someone told me I had 15 years left in me, I thought I had much less. But 15 years is not long enough, I want to live to see everything that every mother wants to see and I have so
much living to do.
Thats why why every day I wake with a smile because I am here. I am so proud of the NHS and what it has given me. I remember one of my colleagues at the Christie saying "It's time for us to wrap our arms around you now and carry you through to the end, let us look after you", they certainly have and I have smiled all the way through.
Life is for living and that's what I am going to do - every day!!
I'm turning the "Can't's" into "Cans" and making dreams come true.
Saturday 21st January 2017
Tonight was Ava's annual dance show with Vibe dance. This is her third show with them and it just gets better every year.
I was so unbelieveably proud of Ava. She did 8 dances in total from her tap, mini comp, ballet and street class. I was backstage helping all the little ones with their costume changes and managed to watch Ava in 8 dances. It was chaotic and very tiring but I wouldn't swap it for the world.
Ava has grown in confidence so much from going to dance and made some great friends, so have I.
She has had such a difficult time with the cancer and the separation of me and Neil but she takes it all in her stride and makes us all so proud.
She is full of a cold so finally flaked at the end.
I feel so thankful that I can be here, healthy watching her dance (and Finn in the audience). I think of two special girls that sadly lost their Dad to cancer but have gone on to do him proud by winning awards last night. I can only try and guess how much they must all wish he was here.
Tonight was Ava's annual dance show with Vibe dance. This is her third show with them and it just gets better every year.
I was so unbelieveably proud of Ava. She did 8 dances in total from her tap, mini comp, ballet and street class. I was backstage helping all the little ones with their costume changes and managed to watch Ava in 8 dances. It was chaotic and very tiring but I wouldn't swap it for the world.
Ava has grown in confidence so much from going to dance and made some great friends, so have I.
She has had such a difficult time with the cancer and the separation of me and Neil but she takes it all in her stride and makes us all so proud.
She is full of a cold so finally flaked at the end.
I feel so thankful that I can be here, healthy watching her dance (and Finn in the audience). I think of two special girls that sadly lost their Dad to cancer but have gone on to do him proud by winning awards last night. I can only try and guess how much they must all wish he was here.
Wednesday 18th January 2017
My birthday!! 35 today.
Sadly probably one of the weirdest birthdays so far. I was happy to see another birthday but feel like this year has aged me. What a different place I am in now.
I spent the day with Laura, and stayed at hers last night so that I didn't wake up alone feeling sorry for myself. The children are staying with Neil. Neil has offered for me to have them but it's not about me, they miss their Dad and love spending time with him.
It was lovely to just sit and talk with Laura, I'm still so tired after the weeeknd.
I picked Ava and her friend up from school, and took them to one of her best friends birthday parties. She had a great time playing and I enjoyed the mums catch up.
I had both children in the evening, but unfortunately Finn has a temperature with a bad cold.
I treated myself to a takeaway.
My birthday!! 35 today.
Sadly probably one of the weirdest birthdays so far. I was happy to see another birthday but feel like this year has aged me. What a different place I am in now.
I spent the day with Laura, and stayed at hers last night so that I didn't wake up alone feeling sorry for myself. The children are staying with Neil. Neil has offered for me to have them but it's not about me, they miss their Dad and love spending time with him.
It was lovely to just sit and talk with Laura, I'm still so tired after the weeeknd.
I picked Ava and her friend up from school, and took them to one of her best friends birthday parties. She had a great time playing and I enjoyed the mums catch up.
I had both children in the evening, but unfortunately Finn has a temperature with a bad cold.
I treated myself to a takeaway.
Monday 16th January 2017
I travelled home this morning from a fantastic weekend at Butlins for the brass band championships weekend. I wasn't playing, but that's the way I like it these days. I went with a group of girls to let my hair down and see lots of friends.
I feel so well in myself despite the constant fatigue, I sometimes forget I have cancer.
It was a real boost for me to see so many friends who filled me with compliments on how well I was looking. I have to remind myself that even though I am not happy with the way I look and the weight gain, I am very lucky to have kept my hair and got through treatment looking so well.
Things are still very hard, particularly in my "non cancer" personal life, but I feel so happy. How can you kick cancer and not wake everyday with a smile because you're here and your doing it? If you can get through cancer and its range of physical and mental challenges, I believe you can get through anything.
Sadly a banding friend has just been diagnosed, at the same age with breast cancer. It was so good to see her and feel that I truly knew how she was feeling. I remember the awful thoughts and feelings at the beginning, and how dark those days can be until treatment begins. She is one determined girl and will kick it with the treatment.
Once home, I was straight back out to Clatterbridge hospital for my radiotherapy planning appointment.
It felt strange sitting in the waiting room. I choose to come alone but I was the only one doing that. Everyone waiting was a lot older than me.
Because the radiotherapy is to my left breast it can affect my heart and lung on that side. This hospital offer a new treatment where you breath in and hold your breath for approximately 20
seconds. They administer the radiotherapy treatment during this time. By breathing in and expanding the chest wall you are able to reduce the treatment that is received to the heart and lungs whilst still hitting the target area.
The staff here were all so nice and made me feel so relaxed. You are laid down on a table and have your arms, legs and head in supports. I also have a mould made to keep my chin up and out of the way. I was scanned and marked up to ensure that the right area is targeted. This also involved two small black dots as permanent tattoos.
A lot off people have asked why I have to have radiotherapy if there was no cancer found during surgery. It's because although none was found, there maybe some cells left behind that haven't shown up on scans or tissue biopsies that we need to get rid of. Radiotherapy will help to "zap" any of those cells, and help to prevent it coming back.
The cancer is real again. With the wounds now healed, and me being back to living independently, I could pretend it had gone and focus on the other issues.
However the end is now in sight, I'm nearly there.
I travelled home this morning from a fantastic weekend at Butlins for the brass band championships weekend. I wasn't playing, but that's the way I like it these days. I went with a group of girls to let my hair down and see lots of friends.
I feel so well in myself despite the constant fatigue, I sometimes forget I have cancer.
It was a real boost for me to see so many friends who filled me with compliments on how well I was looking. I have to remind myself that even though I am not happy with the way I look and the weight gain, I am very lucky to have kept my hair and got through treatment looking so well.
Things are still very hard, particularly in my "non cancer" personal life, but I feel so happy. How can you kick cancer and not wake everyday with a smile because you're here and your doing it? If you can get through cancer and its range of physical and mental challenges, I believe you can get through anything.
Sadly a banding friend has just been diagnosed, at the same age with breast cancer. It was so good to see her and feel that I truly knew how she was feeling. I remember the awful thoughts and feelings at the beginning, and how dark those days can be until treatment begins. She is one determined girl and will kick it with the treatment.
Once home, I was straight back out to Clatterbridge hospital for my radiotherapy planning appointment.
It felt strange sitting in the waiting room. I choose to come alone but I was the only one doing that. Everyone waiting was a lot older than me.
Because the radiotherapy is to my left breast it can affect my heart and lung on that side. This hospital offer a new treatment where you breath in and hold your breath for approximately 20
seconds. They administer the radiotherapy treatment during this time. By breathing in and expanding the chest wall you are able to reduce the treatment that is received to the heart and lungs whilst still hitting the target area.
The staff here were all so nice and made me feel so relaxed. You are laid down on a table and have your arms, legs and head in supports. I also have a mould made to keep my chin up and out of the way. I was scanned and marked up to ensure that the right area is targeted. This also involved two small black dots as permanent tattoos.
A lot off people have asked why I have to have radiotherapy if there was no cancer found during surgery. It's because although none was found, there maybe some cells left behind that haven't shown up on scans or tissue biopsies that we need to get rid of. Radiotherapy will help to "zap" any of those cells, and help to prevent it coming back.
The cancer is real again. With the wounds now healed, and me being back to living independently, I could pretend it had gone and focus on the other issues.
However the end is now in sight, I'm nearly there.
Wednesday 4th January 2017
Mum and Dad brought us all home on Monday and are staying to help whilst I still can't lift Finn. I hope to find out during my consultation with the team at the hospital Friday when I can lift him again.
After a lot of encouragement I went to see the GP today. For the past two weeks I have had a rash of itchy and sore spots on my face, sores in my mouth and one of my wounds has broken down and become red and sore.
The GP suspects the face is some sort of infection or a reaction to adapting to the tamoxifen. I now have a course of antibiotics so fingers crossed it will all clear up soon.
Mum and Dad brought us all home on Monday and are staying to help whilst I still can't lift Finn. I hope to find out during my consultation with the team at the hospital Friday when I can lift him again.
After a lot of encouragement I went to see the GP today. For the past two weeks I have had a rash of itchy and sore spots on my face, sores in my mouth and one of my wounds has broken down and become red and sore.
The GP suspects the face is some sort of infection or a reaction to adapting to the tamoxifen. I now have a course of antibiotics so fingers crossed it will all clear up soon.
Sunday 1st January 2017
Wow finally a new year and goodbye to the rubbish one?! Not quite as I still have treatment to get through and stuff in my personal life to get over. But 2017 will be better than 2016 it must be!
I plan lots of positive things and an alround healthier me, physically and mentally.
I have already been making my list of things I want to do that involve lots of fun!
So why then did I cry
on New Year's Day? I think the goodbye to the year overwhelmed me, and the impending doom of going home tomorrow and facing reality and the cancer again. I had forgotten about it all at mum and dads.
I face 2017 as a single mum, living a life beyond cancer,but always there lingering in my mind with the what ifs. I refuse to let all these changes get me dow. Life has shown me that it really is for living and don't take anything for granted.
A big thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me through a really tough 2016. I couldn't done it without all the support and kindness.
Also a very Happy New Year to everyone that is still reading, here's to a great 2017! 🎉
Wow finally a new year and goodbye to the rubbish one?! Not quite as I still have treatment to get through and stuff in my personal life to get over. But 2017 will be better than 2016 it must be!
I plan lots of positive things and an alround healthier me, physically and mentally.
I have already been making my list of things I want to do that involve lots of fun!
So why then did I cry
on New Year's Day? I think the goodbye to the year overwhelmed me, and the impending doom of going home tomorrow and facing reality and the cancer again. I had forgotten about it all at mum and dads.
I face 2017 as a single mum, living a life beyond cancer,but always there lingering in my mind with the what ifs. I refuse to let all these changes get me dow. Life has shown me that it really is for living and don't take anything for granted.
A big thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me through a really tough 2016. I couldn't done it without all the support and kindness.
Also a very Happy New Year to everyone that is still reading, here's to a great 2017! 🎉
Wenesday 27th December 2016
Me and the children had a lovely Christmas and I loved being able to have so many days off with them. Usually with work I don't get many days off for Christmas and sometimes have to work.
Watching the children play and open gifts was great and being able to sit and play with them even better.
A lot lot of people have been asking me if I have pain or are shocked I seem to be doing so well. I can honestly say that I feel great in myself. My stomach is still a bit tight and if I overdo it sometimes the wounds can ache a bit. I still have a couple of areas on my wound that haven't healed over yet.
I still have really bad fatigue that I try to really fight off. But by late afternoon/evening sometimes I can barely stay awake without a bit of a nap. Also when I get tired/overtired I can get the worse irritable aches all over my body that leave me rolling around in bed. I have to take my oxynorm and eventually it goes. I'm not sure what the course of this is but I hope it's something that will eventually go.
I still feel so lucky that I have had the amazing surgery that I have had done, and that the chemotherapy I had really did wipe out the cancer. What better gift could I have possibly got at Christmas?
Me and the children had a lovely Christmas and I loved being able to have so many days off with them. Usually with work I don't get many days off for Christmas and sometimes have to work.
Watching the children play and open gifts was great and being able to sit and play with them even better.
A lot lot of people have been asking me if I have pain or are shocked I seem to be doing so well. I can honestly say that I feel great in myself. My stomach is still a bit tight and if I overdo it sometimes the wounds can ache a bit. I still have a couple of areas on my wound that haven't healed over yet.
I still have really bad fatigue that I try to really fight off. But by late afternoon/evening sometimes I can barely stay awake without a bit of a nap. Also when I get tired/overtired I can get the worse irritable aches all over my body that leave me rolling around in bed. I have to take my oxynorm and eventually it goes. I'm not sure what the course of this is but I hope it's something that will eventually go.
I still feel so lucky that I have had the amazing surgery that I have had done, and that the chemotherapy I had really did wipe out the cancer. What better gift could I have possibly got at Christmas?
Tuesday 20th December 2016
I was back at Christie Hospital for my Herceptin injection, cycle number 7. It all went ok.
I felt very sad for all the others that were facing chemotherapy so close to Christmas. I wondered whether they even cared that it was Christmas right now.
Christmas for me doesn't seems such a big deal anymore. With the recent separation of me and my husband I won't get to see the children until Christmas Day night. But actually it's about them having fun and being around those they love so it will all work out well.
All I want this Christmas is health to enjoy more days.
I had a nice visit to my ward to deliver the secret santa present and see everyone.
Later that afternoon me, mum and the kids travelled down to hers in Oxford. It was lovely to be back there again.
I was back at Christie Hospital for my Herceptin injection, cycle number 7. It all went ok.
I felt very sad for all the others that were facing chemotherapy so close to Christmas. I wondered whether they even cared that it was Christmas right now.
Christmas for me doesn't seems such a big deal anymore. With the recent separation of me and my husband I won't get to see the children until Christmas Day night. But actually it's about them having fun and being around those they love so it will all work out well.
All I want this Christmas is health to enjoy more days.
I had a nice visit to my ward to deliver the secret santa present and see everyone.
Later that afternoon me, mum and the kids travelled down to hers in Oxford. It was lovely to be back there again.
Monday 19th December 2016
Today we came home from a truly magical weekend at Centre Parcs.
Growing up as a child it was one of my favourite places to go and still is. I think it is now becoming one of Ava's too as she is a complete water baby.
We went swimming every day and whilst I wasn't allowed in the water I was allowed to paddle. It's frustrating because if my wounds were all healed I would have been allowed in the water but I couldn't risk infection - or being knocked by anyone. I am like a big kid and love the water slides and rapids so I found this so hard. I watched Ava and Finn love the water and so desperately wanted to be in it with them.
Previously I think I would have been worried that I might never make it back here. But since knowing I have got rid of the cancer this time I should hopefully have time ahead of me to come again.
On the second day I managed to convince my mum that she could take Ava down the rapids and I would be safe to stay with Finn on my own by the paddling kids pool. Finn decided he wanted to go on a long slide in the baby area. Knowing that the life guard was there watching and the water was so shallow I decided he was safe to go on it. It was that slow that he got stuck and wouldn't go down or up the slide. So I stepped onto the top of the slide and fell straight onto my back and got the biggest black/purple bruise I have ever seen which pretty much covers all one side of my bottom (which is a large area!!). Mum was not impressed when I had to ask her to check out the large bump on my bottom!
We also enjoyed a nice festive ride around the woods by horse and carriage and went to see Father Christmas in his grotto. The children all got lovely presents and loved the lit up trees and decorations.
On the last night we saw the firewood display around the lake and watched Santa on his motorboat!
It was such a magical, Christmassy weekend and just what I feel me and the children needed right now. They have had so much to put up with this past 6 months.
Today we came home from a truly magical weekend at Centre Parcs.
Growing up as a child it was one of my favourite places to go and still is. I think it is now becoming one of Ava's too as she is a complete water baby.
We went swimming every day and whilst I wasn't allowed in the water I was allowed to paddle. It's frustrating because if my wounds were all healed I would have been allowed in the water but I couldn't risk infection - or being knocked by anyone. I am like a big kid and love the water slides and rapids so I found this so hard. I watched Ava and Finn love the water and so desperately wanted to be in it with them.
Previously I think I would have been worried that I might never make it back here. But since knowing I have got rid of the cancer this time I should hopefully have time ahead of me to come again.
On the second day I managed to convince my mum that she could take Ava down the rapids and I would be safe to stay with Finn on my own by the paddling kids pool. Finn decided he wanted to go on a long slide in the baby area. Knowing that the life guard was there watching and the water was so shallow I decided he was safe to go on it. It was that slow that he got stuck and wouldn't go down or up the slide. So I stepped onto the top of the slide and fell straight onto my back and got the biggest black/purple bruise I have ever seen which pretty much covers all one side of my bottom (which is a large area!!). Mum was not impressed when I had to ask her to check out the large bump on my bottom!
We also enjoyed a nice festive ride around the woods by horse and carriage and went to see Father Christmas in his grotto. The children all got lovely presents and loved the lit up trees and decorations.
On the last night we saw the firewood display around the lake and watched Santa on his motorboat!
It was such a magical, Christmassy weekend and just what I feel me and the children needed right now. They have had so much to put up with this past 6 months.
Friday 16th December 2016
Mum and I were up and out early to pick Finn up from Neil and head off to St Helens Hospital. I had an appointment to see the oncologist with regards to me having radiotherapy.
It was a busy clinic and running slightly behind but thankfully Finn was happy playing in the children's waiting area section and was bribed with chocolate!
They won't start any treatment until the wounds have compleately healed and the skin is in good condition to start with. The oncologist imagines that I will start treatment mid February and complete it in March. I will be having one treatment every day Monday- Friday for 5 weeks. The side effects are skin burning, skin damage and soreness and fatigue. He will see me again in mid January to start the planning appointments and check on the wounds.
We then had to head over to the dressings clinic at Whiston Hospital. I still have two areas on my reconstructed breast wound that are not healing very quickly. I am dressing these at least once a day with inadine dressings to help
promote the healing and prevent any infection.
I also saw the physio who was really pleased with my progress and gave me more arm and stomach strengthening exercises to be doing.
After shopping, packing and collecting Ava early from school we headed off to Winter Wonderland at Centre Parcs in Sherwood Forrest.
Mum stepped into Neil's place to be mine and the children's career for the weekend so we could still go. We also stayed there with Karen and her two boys.
We decorated the villa with Christmas decorations and headed out for some ten pin bowling. I had to get the kids to lift the ball onto the kids frame they use so I could roll the ball down the lane - I was still hopeless!
It felt so nice to be away and the Christmas lights are so magical.
Mum and I were up and out early to pick Finn up from Neil and head off to St Helens Hospital. I had an appointment to see the oncologist with regards to me having radiotherapy.
It was a busy clinic and running slightly behind but thankfully Finn was happy playing in the children's waiting area section and was bribed with chocolate!
They won't start any treatment until the wounds have compleately healed and the skin is in good condition to start with. The oncologist imagines that I will start treatment mid February and complete it in March. I will be having one treatment every day Monday- Friday for 5 weeks. The side effects are skin burning, skin damage and soreness and fatigue. He will see me again in mid January to start the planning appointments and check on the wounds.
We then had to head over to the dressings clinic at Whiston Hospital. I still have two areas on my reconstructed breast wound that are not healing very quickly. I am dressing these at least once a day with inadine dressings to help
promote the healing and prevent any infection.
I also saw the physio who was really pleased with my progress and gave me more arm and stomach strengthening exercises to be doing.
After shopping, packing and collecting Ava early from school we headed off to Winter Wonderland at Centre Parcs in Sherwood Forrest.
Mum stepped into Neil's place to be mine and the children's career for the weekend so we could still go. We also stayed there with Karen and her two boys.
We decorated the villa with Christmas decorations and headed out for some ten pin bowling. I had to get the kids to lift the ball onto the kids frame they use so I could roll the ball down the lane - I was still hopeless!
It felt so nice to be away and the Christmas lights are so magical.
Thursday 15th December 2016
After a lovely weekend down at mums and seeing friends, my brother drove us all back home to Warrington on Sunday night.
I was lucky that he was able to take a weeks Holiday to help with me and the children. I am
still not allowed to drive or pick
Finn up or doing any house work. I feel great in myself except the tiredness that keeps taking over me. There are 3 small areas of my wounds that I need to dress because they have not been healing as quick as the rest. Sadly I enjoy doing dressings so I like adding in this to my daily routine.
Ed was great seeing to Finn, cooking and washing and even cleared my garage out which was a job that has needed doing since the summer.
Finn is having a lot of tantrums and throwing himself on the floor all the time.He constantly seems to have bruises on his head. I am hoping that once I can return to doing everything for him this might stop .......
After a lovely weekend down at mums and seeing friends, my brother drove us all back home to Warrington on Sunday night.
I was lucky that he was able to take a weeks Holiday to help with me and the children. I am
still not allowed to drive or pick
Finn up or doing any house work. I feel great in myself except the tiredness that keeps taking over me. There are 3 small areas of my wounds that I need to dress because they have not been healing as quick as the rest. Sadly I enjoy doing dressings so I like adding in this to my daily routine.
Ed was great seeing to Finn, cooking and washing and even cleared my garage out which was a job that has needed doing since the summer.
Finn is having a lot of tantrums and throwing himself on the floor all the time.He constantly seems to have bruises on his head. I am hoping that once I can return to doing everything for him this might stop .......
Friday 8th December 2016
It was so so nice to be back with Finn and be able to hug him!!! It is however very difficult to explain to a 22 month year old why I can't do everything for him and pick him up.
Mum drove us down to Oxford last night so we could meet my brother and his family in London for the winter wonderland in Hyde park.
We had a fantastic day watching the sooty show, meeting santa and going on the rides. We also got to see the London Christmas lights. It was a long and tiring day but it was worth it to see Ava and Finn have so much fun.
The wounds and stomach muscles are still sore but unlike the chemo it's just pain and is made better by the analgesics.
It was so so nice to be back with Finn and be able to hug him!!! It is however very difficult to explain to a 22 month year old why I can't do everything for him and pick him up.
Mum drove us down to Oxford last night so we could meet my brother and his family in London for the winter wonderland in Hyde park.
We had a fantastic day watching the sooty show, meeting santa and going on the rides. We also got to see the London Christmas lights. It was a long and tiring day but it was worth it to see Ava and Finn have so much fun.
The wounds and stomach muscles are still sore but unlike the chemo it's just pain and is made better by the analgesics.
Wednesday 7th December 2016- finally some good news
Today I was back at St Helens hospital for my results from surgery.
I hadn't managed to get much sleep last night, and I don't think mum had either, but I managed to keep her awake with my figeting in the waiting room.
I saw both my surgeons who were really happy with my progress and how the wounds were healing.
They told me that they found no cancer other than the precancerous tissue in the breast that we knew wouldn't be destroyed by the chemotherapy.
They had taken 3 lymph nodes and all of them came back clear. The mass they found in one node turned out to be dead necrotic tissue.
I cannot tell you how relieved and happy we both were, we felt like we were walking on air. I wanted the surgeon to repeat it over and over to make sure there was no mistake.
I need to wait another 6-10 weeks and then I can start radiotherapy. This is to make sure if there are any random cells left that these are destroyed. To be honest I am pleased that they are throwing as much at the cancer as they can to try to ensure it never comes back.
The other good news was that the plastic surgeon was happy for me to be reunited with Finn tomorrow as long as I didn't lift him for another few weeks and was careful with my wounds.
It was so nice to be sharing good news with everyone.
But it wouldn't be like me not to worry, so I did think a few times "what if I have tempted fate by telling people and it comes back?" Or "what if they gave me the wrong results?".
I have learnt not to let those negative thoughts last long.....there is some celebrating to do!
Ava couldn't get her head around why I had to have more treatment if the cancer was gone. I'm not entirely sure if she understands any of this or not anymore.
Today I was back at St Helens hospital for my results from surgery.
I hadn't managed to get much sleep last night, and I don't think mum had either, but I managed to keep her awake with my figeting in the waiting room.
I saw both my surgeons who were really happy with my progress and how the wounds were healing.
They told me that they found no cancer other than the precancerous tissue in the breast that we knew wouldn't be destroyed by the chemotherapy.
They had taken 3 lymph nodes and all of them came back clear. The mass they found in one node turned out to be dead necrotic tissue.
I cannot tell you how relieved and happy we both were, we felt like we were walking on air. I wanted the surgeon to repeat it over and over to make sure there was no mistake.
I need to wait another 6-10 weeks and then I can start radiotherapy. This is to make sure if there are any random cells left that these are destroyed. To be honest I am pleased that they are throwing as much at the cancer as they can to try to ensure it never comes back.
The other good news was that the plastic surgeon was happy for me to be reunited with Finn tomorrow as long as I didn't lift him for another few weeks and was careful with my wounds.
It was so nice to be sharing good news with everyone.
But it wouldn't be like me not to worry, so I did think a few times "what if I have tempted fate by telling people and it comes back?" Or "what if they gave me the wrong results?".
I have learnt not to let those negative thoughts last long.....there is some celebrating to do!
Ava couldn't get her head around why I had to have more treatment if the cancer was gone. I'm not entirely sure if she understands any of this or not anymore.
Thursday 1st December 2016
I spent 6 days in hospital in the end and came home on Sunday afternoon. I was so relieved to get the final drains out in the morning and have a proper shower. It was also the first time that I got a proper look at my new body😮 and I thought- wow that plastic surgeon is amazing!!!
I almost couldn't believe that I have got such a flat stomach, my new breast looks big but she must have been kind and thrown away the wasted fat.
Once all the scarring has gone down, I am sure that people will have no idea that I have had anything done.
Is it strange that I feel like the cancer has brought me some happiness?? Or is it just something positivite out of months of negativity.
I have suffered such a blow to my body and self confidence in the past 6 months, that this is the kick start I need for me new life.
I can't thank the Surgical team and the Nursing team on ward 3a, at Whiston Hospital enough. The care and compassion and dedication to their job that they have shown has made me so comfortable and at ease. This has been another massive hurdle to get through with a lot of emotions thrown in, but one they really have helped me get through.
Its hard being a patient in a hospital, but not one that is so clean, well organised and professional as this.
It has been so lovely to be at home with the comfort of my own things. I had a few obstacles to get over at home which left me wishing to be back in the hospital but those are in the past.
Mum has been wonderful as always. She has dedicated all her time to caring for me and making sure that everything is perfect. She has been a massive pillar of strength both emotionally and physically, and I do not think I would have survived without her. I know that is a dramatic cliche, but actually it's not in this case.
Ava has coped so well with everything, she has so much to deal with right now, you can see her mind working overtime.
We have had tears of frustrations (Me, Ava and Nanna), and justrecently we have ordered her a worry eater to try and help her with everything she has to take on.
One evening this week she got very upset and shouted, "I hate it, i hate it, no one else's mum has cancer so why you?". She said she is fed up with seeing her mum poorly and not being able to do anything. She says that she hates it that people keep telling her that "mummy will be better soon", when she never seems to get better.
Last week, very sadly one of her classmate's Dad's died of cancer. This has been playing in her mind and I think she is sometimes trying to test the water to see if she is being told everything.
I am so proud of her and having her to look after me and give me cuddles is the best medicine I could ask for. She is my little buddy.
Its so difficult to teach a smart 6 year old all about cancer, death, illness, and separation. Every explanation that you give evokes more questions. Hiwever she has a fantastic friends and extended family her who love her so much, and her school have been very supportive and accommodating.
It is heartbreaking for me not seeing Finn. I get to see him most days through video calls which are great but long for his cuddles. I know that the cuddles would give me physical pain right now but I don't care. Although I could cope with the physical pain it would set my recovery back, but also there still runs that massive risk of my skin grafts and surgery becoming damamged. I have to keep thinking that the more I rest and recover the quicker I can get back to some normality and having Finn back.
The wounds look like they are healing ok. I still get a lot of pain but I am managing that well with the medication and rest. I am slowly building up my walking with doing a bit everyday and doing my exercises. I still have to sleep sitting up because of the pain in my chest and not yet being able to straighten my stomach completely yet.
I spent 6 days in hospital in the end and came home on Sunday afternoon. I was so relieved to get the final drains out in the morning and have a proper shower. It was also the first time that I got a proper look at my new body😮 and I thought- wow that plastic surgeon is amazing!!!
I almost couldn't believe that I have got such a flat stomach, my new breast looks big but she must have been kind and thrown away the wasted fat.
Once all the scarring has gone down, I am sure that people will have no idea that I have had anything done.
Is it strange that I feel like the cancer has brought me some happiness?? Or is it just something positivite out of months of negativity.
I have suffered such a blow to my body and self confidence in the past 6 months, that this is the kick start I need for me new life.
I can't thank the Surgical team and the Nursing team on ward 3a, at Whiston Hospital enough. The care and compassion and dedication to their job that they have shown has made me so comfortable and at ease. This has been another massive hurdle to get through with a lot of emotions thrown in, but one they really have helped me get through.
Its hard being a patient in a hospital, but not one that is so clean, well organised and professional as this.
It has been so lovely to be at home with the comfort of my own things. I had a few obstacles to get over at home which left me wishing to be back in the hospital but those are in the past.
Mum has been wonderful as always. She has dedicated all her time to caring for me and making sure that everything is perfect. She has been a massive pillar of strength both emotionally and physically, and I do not think I would have survived without her. I know that is a dramatic cliche, but actually it's not in this case.
Ava has coped so well with everything, she has so much to deal with right now, you can see her mind working overtime.
We have had tears of frustrations (Me, Ava and Nanna), and justrecently we have ordered her a worry eater to try and help her with everything she has to take on.
One evening this week she got very upset and shouted, "I hate it, i hate it, no one else's mum has cancer so why you?". She said she is fed up with seeing her mum poorly and not being able to do anything. She says that she hates it that people keep telling her that "mummy will be better soon", when she never seems to get better.
Last week, very sadly one of her classmate's Dad's died of cancer. This has been playing in her mind and I think she is sometimes trying to test the water to see if she is being told everything.
I am so proud of her and having her to look after me and give me cuddles is the best medicine I could ask for. She is my little buddy.
Its so difficult to teach a smart 6 year old all about cancer, death, illness, and separation. Every explanation that you give evokes more questions. Hiwever she has a fantastic friends and extended family her who love her so much, and her school have been very supportive and accommodating.
It is heartbreaking for me not seeing Finn. I get to see him most days through video calls which are great but long for his cuddles. I know that the cuddles would give me physical pain right now but I don't care. Although I could cope with the physical pain it would set my recovery back, but also there still runs that massive risk of my skin grafts and surgery becoming damamged. I have to keep thinking that the more I rest and recover the quicker I can get back to some normality and having Finn back.
The wounds look like they are healing ok. I still get a lot of pain but I am managing that well with the medication and rest. I am slowly building up my walking with doing a bit everyday and doing my exercises. I still have to sleep sitting up because of the pain in my chest and not yet being able to straighten my stomach completely yet.
Friday 25th November 2016
So the good news is everything went to plan!! I had my mastectomy and sentinel node removed, I then had DIEP breast reconstruction and symmetry reduction in the other side. The surgery took 12 hours in total, I went down at 9 and was back on the ward just after 10.
It was the strangest feeling waking up from surgery I was so disorientated and in quite a bit of pain. It was so lovely to see mum when I got back on the ward I think the day must have been horrendous for her.
Apparently the surgery had been so difficult due to the state of my veins and arteries that have been damaged during chemotherapy. The surgeon said as she tried to dissect them and transplant them they were tearing like tights and bleeding. It is so so amazing what my surgeon Ms Taghizadeh has done for me. I must say I have a lovely new pair of breasts and a flatter tummy.
Unfortunately they did find a large mass in my lymph gland that they couldn't see on the scan. So I have to await these results in about a week or so. They said it might be reactive tissue but they can't tell until it goes under the microscope.
The pain has been very intense, but the local anaethestic stomach block came out in recovery so that's why the pain was worse than anticipated. I was also very stiff everywhere and very tired. In the first 24 hours you have to be woken hourly to be checked so it's hard to get much sleep. This then reduces to every 2 hours.
I came back with intravenous fluids, a catheter, and 5 wound drains.
The next morning the physios come around first thing to get you out of bed and into the chair and then by day 2 I was walking a short distance with them. It feels so good to be up and mobile but it's still so sore.
I have a lot of restrictions that I have to abide to including, no lifting, no driving etc. I also have a lot of daily exercises to perform.
I have been so grateful for all my cards, gifts, messages and visits from such great family and friends it's making a tough time a lot easier.
Ava came to visit last night and as usual she took it all in her stride. She was intrigued to see the wounds and drains and my silly walking. But when it came to
home time she was very upset leaving me and begged me to
come home. I wanted to burst into tears myself but I remained strong. I promised to Skype her once she was home and she was happy with that.
So the good news is everything went to plan!! I had my mastectomy and sentinel node removed, I then had DIEP breast reconstruction and symmetry reduction in the other side. The surgery took 12 hours in total, I went down at 9 and was back on the ward just after 10.
It was the strangest feeling waking up from surgery I was so disorientated and in quite a bit of pain. It was so lovely to see mum when I got back on the ward I think the day must have been horrendous for her.
Apparently the surgery had been so difficult due to the state of my veins and arteries that have been damaged during chemotherapy. The surgeon said as she tried to dissect them and transplant them they were tearing like tights and bleeding. It is so so amazing what my surgeon Ms Taghizadeh has done for me. I must say I have a lovely new pair of breasts and a flatter tummy.
Unfortunately they did find a large mass in my lymph gland that they couldn't see on the scan. So I have to await these results in about a week or so. They said it might be reactive tissue but they can't tell until it goes under the microscope.
The pain has been very intense, but the local anaethestic stomach block came out in recovery so that's why the pain was worse than anticipated. I was also very stiff everywhere and very tired. In the first 24 hours you have to be woken hourly to be checked so it's hard to get much sleep. This then reduces to every 2 hours.
I came back with intravenous fluids, a catheter, and 5 wound drains.
The next morning the physios come around first thing to get you out of bed and into the chair and then by day 2 I was walking a short distance with them. It feels so good to be up and mobile but it's still so sore.
I have a lot of restrictions that I have to abide to including, no lifting, no driving etc. I also have a lot of daily exercises to perform.
I have been so grateful for all my cards, gifts, messages and visits from such great family and friends it's making a tough time a lot easier.
Ava came to visit last night and as usual she took it all in her stride. She was intrigued to see the wounds and drains and my silly walking. But when it came to
home time she was very upset leaving me and begged me to
come home. I wanted to burst into tears myself but I remained strong. I promised to Skype her once she was home and she was happy with that.
Monday 21st November 2016
Tonight I sit updating from my room at Whiston hospital. I can't quite believe I am here and I face such a big operation tomorrow.
I am very very anxious now and feeling a bit lonely despite so many amazing friends and family that have offered me constant support.
It shows me how it must feel for all the patients on my ward, just missing people around them at difficult times.
I want to sit and watch Tv or read to just relax but I can't, all I can think of is tomorrow, wondering what it is all going to be like. Again it's facing that uncertainty.
I know I can get through this of course and soon it will be over and I will be on my way to recovery.
It will feel so good knowing that the intruder in my body has been cut out!!
I loaded up on carbs this morning with a big breakfast with friends.
Finn was due at nursery but I kept him until after lunch as I couldn't bare to think about how much time I have without seeing him it will be so hard.
I have been close to tears a lot today at the thought of the children coping though all this. The messages of support have been so overwhelming and lovely, I literally think they are pulling me through.
I had to have a scan in nuclear medicine at 3pm. This was where they injected a radioactive dye straight into my breast so that it can travel through the lymphatic system and locate the sentinel node for removal tomorrow. I have to admit it was quite uncomfortable but only lasted a few seconds.
Following this I couldnt be around Finn due to the radioactivity but I wasn't needed in hospital until 6pm.
Mum and I picked Ava up and we all went to tea. They then brought me into hospital.
Ava is taking it all in her stride I am so proud of her. She shows an interest in what's happening and kept me well entertained prancing around my room pretending to be nurses and patients.
The goodbyes were hard.....why do I sit here worrying about surgical complications and not waking up? It's daft as I feel in such good hands here.
So roll on tomorrow I have a 6am start and expect to go to surgery between 8-9. Mum has been told they will call her when it's over but not to expect this until around 6pm.
See you all on the other side when I am up to blogging again.
Tonight I sit updating from my room at Whiston hospital. I can't quite believe I am here and I face such a big operation tomorrow.
I am very very anxious now and feeling a bit lonely despite so many amazing friends and family that have offered me constant support.
It shows me how it must feel for all the patients on my ward, just missing people around them at difficult times.
I want to sit and watch Tv or read to just relax but I can't, all I can think of is tomorrow, wondering what it is all going to be like. Again it's facing that uncertainty.
I know I can get through this of course and soon it will be over and I will be on my way to recovery.
It will feel so good knowing that the intruder in my body has been cut out!!
I loaded up on carbs this morning with a big breakfast with friends.
Finn was due at nursery but I kept him until after lunch as I couldn't bare to think about how much time I have without seeing him it will be so hard.
I have been close to tears a lot today at the thought of the children coping though all this. The messages of support have been so overwhelming and lovely, I literally think they are pulling me through.
I had to have a scan in nuclear medicine at 3pm. This was where they injected a radioactive dye straight into my breast so that it can travel through the lymphatic system and locate the sentinel node for removal tomorrow. I have to admit it was quite uncomfortable but only lasted a few seconds.
Following this I couldnt be around Finn due to the radioactivity but I wasn't needed in hospital until 6pm.
Mum and I picked Ava up and we all went to tea. They then brought me into hospital.
Ava is taking it all in her stride I am so proud of her. She shows an interest in what's happening and kept me well entertained prancing around my room pretending to be nurses and patients.
The goodbyes were hard.....why do I sit here worrying about surgical complications and not waking up? It's daft as I feel in such good hands here.
So roll on tomorrow I have a 6am start and expect to go to surgery between 8-9. Mum has been told they will call her when it's over but not to expect this until around 6pm.
See you all on the other side when I am up to blogging again.
Thursday 17th November 2016
I am sorry that I have been very quiet on here but I have been trying to get my head around another big hurdle in my life.
I hadn't been sure if it was something I would mention on here but then I realised that I couldn't go on blogging if I wasn't being as open and honest so here goes.....
For reasons that I won't disclose on here, me and Neil have separated.
Cancer certainly throws up a lot of hurdles to get over and this is not one that I expected to be facing right now. The whole thing makes you see what is important in your life and again I find myself thanking those very close to me that have stayed true and helped me through another few difficult weeks.
I hope everyone is right and that there is a lot of happiness waiting for me just around the corner.
There have been some dark times this week and times wondering why this is all being thrown at me. But I know the decision is an essential part of building my future happiness and going for everything I want in life.
As my surgeon said last week, upwards and onwards.......
I am sorry that I have been very quiet on here but I have been trying to get my head around another big hurdle in my life.
I hadn't been sure if it was something I would mention on here but then I realised that I couldn't go on blogging if I wasn't being as open and honest so here goes.....
For reasons that I won't disclose on here, me and Neil have separated.
Cancer certainly throws up a lot of hurdles to get over and this is not one that I expected to be facing right now. The whole thing makes you see what is important in your life and again I find myself thanking those very close to me that have stayed true and helped me through another few difficult weeks.
I hope everyone is right and that there is a lot of happiness waiting for me just around the corner.
There have been some dark times this week and times wondering why this is all being thrown at me. But I know the decision is an essential part of building my future happiness and going for everything I want in life.
As my surgeon said last week, upwards and onwards.......
Wednesday 9th November 2016
After a really tough weekend (at a later date I might explain why), I felt like an angel had been sent from heaven to pick me up from rock bottom.
Me and mum were up early to get to St Helens Hospital to meet the surgeon who will be performing my breast reconstruction. It's such a lovely well built, clean, friendly, and well organised hospital. I had the most amazing experience and the most exciting news.
Both the plastic surgeon and the oncology surgeon saw me and were equally as nice and reassuring. My plastic surgeon made me feel like her friend within 10 mins, someone she was going to look after 110%. She understood the urgency in my surgery and ensured that everything I needed to have done was organised immediately. I also was introduced to the Macmillan and reconstruction nurse who gave me lots of information about the surgery itself.
So the plan is that on the 21st of November I will attend Whiston hospital for a scan and injection before being admitted to the ward.
My surgery will be done on the 22nd and will take all day.
They are going to do a mastectomy on the cancerous breast, and a sentinel node biopsy. They will create a new breast from fat from my stomach and give me a tummy tuck at the same time. They will then reduce my non cancerous breast and give me an uplift to match the new one.
So I will have a nice kick start to my body to help me kick start my new life, one which I want to be full of exciting things.
I can't quite believe how happy we feel as a family today to be finally cutting away the cancer, and having the reconstruction that I really wanted without multiple operations.
The hardest part will be coping with Finn post surgery. If he sees or hears me he wants to be in my arms, that might be from picking him up or him jumping on me. In the first few weeks post the operation I will be too sore and the reconstruction will be too fragile to risk Finn jumping up or clinging to me. So the only way to manage, is for my mum to take him away from me down to her house for 1-2 weeks whilst I recover a bit. I know it's a necessity but it will break my heart not seeing him for so long.
After a really tough weekend (at a later date I might explain why), I felt like an angel had been sent from heaven to pick me up from rock bottom.
Me and mum were up early to get to St Helens Hospital to meet the surgeon who will be performing my breast reconstruction. It's such a lovely well built, clean, friendly, and well organised hospital. I had the most amazing experience and the most exciting news.
Both the plastic surgeon and the oncology surgeon saw me and were equally as nice and reassuring. My plastic surgeon made me feel like her friend within 10 mins, someone she was going to look after 110%. She understood the urgency in my surgery and ensured that everything I needed to have done was organised immediately. I also was introduced to the Macmillan and reconstruction nurse who gave me lots of information about the surgery itself.
So the plan is that on the 21st of November I will attend Whiston hospital for a scan and injection before being admitted to the ward.
My surgery will be done on the 22nd and will take all day.
They are going to do a mastectomy on the cancerous breast, and a sentinel node biopsy. They will create a new breast from fat from my stomach and give me a tummy tuck at the same time. They will then reduce my non cancerous breast and give me an uplift to match the new one.
So I will have a nice kick start to my body to help me kick start my new life, one which I want to be full of exciting things.
I can't quite believe how happy we feel as a family today to be finally cutting away the cancer, and having the reconstruction that I really wanted without multiple operations.
The hardest part will be coping with Finn post surgery. If he sees or hears me he wants to be in my arms, that might be from picking him up or him jumping on me. In the first few weeks post the operation I will be too sore and the reconstruction will be too fragile to risk Finn jumping up or clinging to me. So the only way to manage, is for my mum to take him away from me down to her house for 1-2 weeks whilst I recover a bit. I know it's a necessity but it will break my heart not seeing him for so long.
Friday 4th November 2016
What a day of tears and frustrations.
On Tuesday I spent a few hours at the Christie picking the brains of the specialist nurses and consultants about the options I have been given for surgery. I also had my counselling session which became very valuable and by the end of it all I had made a decision to go for the DIEP reconstruction.
This where they take fat, skin and a blood supply from the lower stomach and move it up to your chest to rebuild your breast, it also means that you get a tummy tuck too! A new pair and a flatter stomach wow!
It's a fairly complex procedure requiring plastic surgeons and oncology surgeons and has quite a long recovery time, but it's believed to get the best results.
I informed my breast nurse who was to get the referral sent to the surgeons over at Whiston hospital.
I didn't hear anything until I received a call today to say that I have an appointment to see the surgeon at Whiston hospital on the 7th of December. I will be 10 weeks post chemotherapy so it is no good it will be too late. So it was beginning to look like I would have to settle for a mastectomy and have a reconstruction at a later date. This might not seem like a big deal but for me it is. I want everything over as soon possible for me and the children and want my body back.
After a lot of tears and angry outburst I now have an appointment for next Wednesday 😄.
This afternoon I had been invited by Karen to Elite telecom where she works as they had a day raising money for the Christie Hospital. One of the events was an employee who was shaving her hair, or should I say that I was shaving her hair!
It was quite fun to shave it all off and then lovely to be presented with a cheque for over £7000!
This evening the Mum's from school had a night out, it was a very therapeutic night full of laughs.
What a day of tears and frustrations.
On Tuesday I spent a few hours at the Christie picking the brains of the specialist nurses and consultants about the options I have been given for surgery. I also had my counselling session which became very valuable and by the end of it all I had made a decision to go for the DIEP reconstruction.
This where they take fat, skin and a blood supply from the lower stomach and move it up to your chest to rebuild your breast, it also means that you get a tummy tuck too! A new pair and a flatter stomach wow!
It's a fairly complex procedure requiring plastic surgeons and oncology surgeons and has quite a long recovery time, but it's believed to get the best results.
I informed my breast nurse who was to get the referral sent to the surgeons over at Whiston hospital.
I didn't hear anything until I received a call today to say that I have an appointment to see the surgeon at Whiston hospital on the 7th of December. I will be 10 weeks post chemotherapy so it is no good it will be too late. So it was beginning to look like I would have to settle for a mastectomy and have a reconstruction at a later date. This might not seem like a big deal but for me it is. I want everything over as soon possible for me and the children and want my body back.
After a lot of tears and angry outburst I now have an appointment for next Wednesday 😄.
This afternoon I had been invited by Karen to Elite telecom where she works as they had a day raising money for the Christie Hospital. One of the events was an employee who was shaving her hair, or should I say that I was shaving her hair!
It was quite fun to shave it all off and then lovely to be presented with a cheque for over £7000!
This evening the Mum's from school had a night out, it was a very therapeutic night full of laughs.
Monday 31st October 2016 - Oncoplastic surgeon appointment
Today we went to see the oncoplastic surgeon.
I had hardly slept all night wondering what would be said and if I would be any further forward afterwards.
He went through a lot of options with me about the types of reconstructive surgery I could have. He explained that he thought there was only about a 5% chance that I would need radiotherapy post surgery so I would be a candidate for breast reconstruction at the same time as the mastectomy.
I was so pleased to hear this because I really don't want to have lots of surgery and I really wonder how I will cope being without one breast for several months. But I was also anxious because I was led to believe that radiotherapy was a definite, what's changed?!
He was fantastic at explaining the options and which he felt would be best for me. He went through the surgery in detail explaining the pros and cons of each.
I came away with two main options, reconstruction with an implant or one using fat from my stomach to build a breast. Unfortunately the second option which is suppose to be the 'gold' standard option is one that this surgeon cannot perform, he would need to refer me to a surgeon at another hospital.
We were sent away to discuss the options and come back with a decision by the end of the week.
I am suppose to have surgery between 4-6 weeks after chemotherapy so time is against us.
I felt overwhelmed with information and totally confused. I am terrible for making decisions for small things like what to have for tea, let alone something so big. I was in a low mood for the rest of the day, I feel I need to get on with surgery quick but I want to make the right decision.
Today we went to see the oncoplastic surgeon.
I had hardly slept all night wondering what would be said and if I would be any further forward afterwards.
He went through a lot of options with me about the types of reconstructive surgery I could have. He explained that he thought there was only about a 5% chance that I would need radiotherapy post surgery so I would be a candidate for breast reconstruction at the same time as the mastectomy.
I was so pleased to hear this because I really don't want to have lots of surgery and I really wonder how I will cope being without one breast for several months. But I was also anxious because I was led to believe that radiotherapy was a definite, what's changed?!
He was fantastic at explaining the options and which he felt would be best for me. He went through the surgery in detail explaining the pros and cons of each.
I came away with two main options, reconstruction with an implant or one using fat from my stomach to build a breast. Unfortunately the second option which is suppose to be the 'gold' standard option is one that this surgeon cannot perform, he would need to refer me to a surgeon at another hospital.
We were sent away to discuss the options and come back with a decision by the end of the week.
I am suppose to have surgery between 4-6 weeks after chemotherapy so time is against us.
I felt overwhelmed with information and totally confused. I am terrible for making decisions for small things like what to have for tea, let alone something so big. I was in a low mood for the rest of the day, I feel I need to get on with surgery quick but I want to make the right decision.
Friday 28th October 2016 - a date to see the surgeon
I received a phone call this morning from my breast care nurse to say she had managed to get me referred to another surgeon who can see me on Monday. I am so relieved because even though my team all tell me that my cancer won't grow if left more than 4-6 weeks I can't help but panic when they gave me this guideline to begin with.
I am pretty sure that my breast care nurse is also relieved because she is often at the end of my anxiety or my constant pushing for the next step. She really has been a great help though.
I realised that I hadn't got any of my herceptin injections booked in and had not received any information regarding when this would be.
I had been sent the numbers to contact which I did. I was shocked to hear that they were expecting me for the treatment today but because I hadn't made it I could be rescheduled for tomorrow. I explained that I was currently away and I will now have cycle 5 of herceptin on the 8th of November.
Jo came over with the kids and did all of our hair for us. Mine was coloured and cut, it has gone so much thinner for me but I could afford for this to happen with having such thick hair to begin with.
Several friends popped over with their children so it was nice to have a good catch up with them all.
By the end of the day my body aches like it does post chemo and I felt tired. I guess maybe it has been a full on week at mums and my body is not use to that anymore.
I received a phone call this morning from my breast care nurse to say she had managed to get me referred to another surgeon who can see me on Monday. I am so relieved because even though my team all tell me that my cancer won't grow if left more than 4-6 weeks I can't help but panic when they gave me this guideline to begin with.
I am pretty sure that my breast care nurse is also relieved because she is often at the end of my anxiety or my constant pushing for the next step. She really has been a great help though.
I realised that I hadn't got any of my herceptin injections booked in and had not received any information regarding when this would be.
I had been sent the numbers to contact which I did. I was shocked to hear that they were expecting me for the treatment today but because I hadn't made it I could be rescheduled for tomorrow. I explained that I was currently away and I will now have cycle 5 of herceptin on the 8th of November.
Jo came over with the kids and did all of our hair for us. Mine was coloured and cut, it has gone so much thinner for me but I could afford for this to happen with having such thick hair to begin with.
Several friends popped over with their children so it was nice to have a good catch up with them all.
By the end of the day my body aches like it does post chemo and I felt tired. I guess maybe it has been a full on week at mums and my body is not use to that anymore.
Thursday 27th October 2016
We had a bit more of a chilled day today. After a quick trip into town, we met mum from work for some lunch. It's a shame I can't do this more often with her as it was lovely.
We then went on to see my grandparents before they go away on holiday at the weekend. They are doing so well for their age and I hope to follow in their footsteps.
Finn is being incredibly clingy to me at the moment which I am finding hard. He wants to be in my arms all the time and as lovely as it is to feel so wanted it is draining me. I can't do anything without him and if I try he screams. The good thing is that if I go out and leave him after the initial cry he is quite happy when he knows I am not there. I guess it must be hard for him as well being passed from pillar to post at times.
By the end of the day I was pleased to be going out with the girls for food and drinks. We met at a local restaurant and had a big catch up, I miss not living closer to them all.
This week I have felt that I have been forgetting about the reality of the cancer. I have been busy doing the things that we all want to do which has been lovely.
We had a bit more of a chilled day today. After a quick trip into town, we met mum from work for some lunch. It's a shame I can't do this more often with her as it was lovely.
We then went on to see my grandparents before they go away on holiday at the weekend. They are doing so well for their age and I hope to follow in their footsteps.
Finn is being incredibly clingy to me at the moment which I am finding hard. He wants to be in my arms all the time and as lovely as it is to feel so wanted it is draining me. I can't do anything without him and if I try he screams. The good thing is that if I go out and leave him after the initial cry he is quite happy when he knows I am not there. I guess it must be hard for him as well being passed from pillar to post at times.
By the end of the day I was pleased to be going out with the girls for food and drinks. We met at a local restaurant and had a big catch up, I miss not living closer to them all.
This week I have felt that I have been forgetting about the reality of the cancer. I have been busy doing the things that we all want to do which has been lovely.
Monday 24th October 2016 - half term
After a busy weekend of swimming and dance for Ava, and me and Neil going to listen to a band contest I headed down to Mum and Dads with the kids. Both of them were excellent in the car and we had a good trip down.
It was lovely to be here and not unwell from chemotherapy. We have a lot of fun things planned for the week.
After a busy weekend of swimming and dance for Ava, and me and Neil going to listen to a band contest I headed down to Mum and Dads with the kids. Both of them were excellent in the car and we had a good trip down.
It was lovely to be here and not unwell from chemotherapy. We have a lot of fun things planned for the week.
Friday 21st October 2016
Today I went into work for the senior nurse away day. It was so
amazing to feel back associated to The Christie as a place I work not just as a patient.
There were a lot of sessions about current nursing issues and moving them forward. I can't wait to be back fighting it and working again.
It was also lovely to see all my colleagues. I really don't want to loose touch too much and then find my return to work even harder.
This evening we then went for a lovely Italian meal with Anna and Becky. Anna is a soulmate I met only a few years ago but I feel like we have been friends forever.
Poor Anna I think someone is testing her level of strength with her friends because it was only a year ago that she lost her life long best friend to cancer. I can imagine that some of what I talk about can bring back a lot of memories and can be hard for her.
As usual lots of sarcasm, laughs and gossip was to be had and was a great start to her weekend.
Today I went into work for the senior nurse away day. It was so
amazing to feel back associated to The Christie as a place I work not just as a patient.
There were a lot of sessions about current nursing issues and moving them forward. I can't wait to be back fighting it and working again.
It was also lovely to see all my colleagues. I really don't want to loose touch too much and then find my return to work even harder.
This evening we then went for a lovely Italian meal with Anna and Becky. Anna is a soulmate I met only a few years ago but I feel like we have been friends forever.
Poor Anna I think someone is testing her level of strength with her friends because it was only a year ago that she lost her life long best friend to cancer. I can imagine that some of what I talk about can bring back a lot of memories and can be hard for her.
As usual lots of sarcasm, laughs and gossip was to be had and was a great start to her weekend.
Thursday 19th October 2016 - emotional wobbles!
The past few days I have had a few emotional wobbles where I have broken down in tears. I am
back to overwhelming thoughts of the cancer spreading and dying.
I play with the children and hold back the tears. I hate leaving them at school or nursery or even just to go to the shop. I latch on to the comfort of having Neil around, he is my comfort blanket who makes me feel safe.
Mum, Dad, Neil, Karen and Jo pulled me through the tears and down points 😘😘😘😘 is all I can say.
Also to mention a few other friends who took me out for coffe and lunch to keep break up my week. They won't know how valuable that is right now.
I am so unbelievably proud of the little girl that Ava has become and the character that Finn is becoming. I want to be able to share everything with them in the future.
On the way home from school one day Ava told me she wants to have twins when she is 18. She asked me what I would like to be called and laughed saying she can't imagine me being a 'Nanna' one day because I don't look like one. There is no doubt in her mind that I won't be around to see her grow up I have to believe it too!
The shining light came from my breast nurse at Warrington Hospital. She is everything I have believed a specialist breast care nurse to be. She helps coordinate everything and nothing I ask of her ever seems to be too much.
Whilst worrying the previous night I had emailed her to ask if she could help me make sense of what the surgeon had said during monday's consultation.
She reassured me that the CT scan showed that the inflammation in the lung was now resolved,and that the tumour in the lymph gland had reduced to 8mm! It was 6cm before I believe.
This is just the news I needed to hear. I needed to know that the months of tough cycles of chemotherapy had been worth it - and they have 😁. It's time to smile more and fight of the negative thoughts.
The past few days I have had a few emotional wobbles where I have broken down in tears. I am
back to overwhelming thoughts of the cancer spreading and dying.
I play with the children and hold back the tears. I hate leaving them at school or nursery or even just to go to the shop. I latch on to the comfort of having Neil around, he is my comfort blanket who makes me feel safe.
Mum, Dad, Neil, Karen and Jo pulled me through the tears and down points 😘😘😘😘 is all I can say.
Also to mention a few other friends who took me out for coffe and lunch to keep break up my week. They won't know how valuable that is right now.
I am so unbelievably proud of the little girl that Ava has become and the character that Finn is becoming. I want to be able to share everything with them in the future.
On the way home from school one day Ava told me she wants to have twins when she is 18. She asked me what I would like to be called and laughed saying she can't imagine me being a 'Nanna' one day because I don't look like one. There is no doubt in her mind that I won't be around to see her grow up I have to believe it too!
The shining light came from my breast nurse at Warrington Hospital. She is everything I have believed a specialist breast care nurse to be. She helps coordinate everything and nothing I ask of her ever seems to be too much.
Whilst worrying the previous night I had emailed her to ask if she could help me make sense of what the surgeon had said during monday's consultation.
She reassured me that the CT scan showed that the inflammation in the lung was now resolved,and that the tumour in the lymph gland had reduced to 8mm! It was 6cm before I believe.
This is just the news I needed to hear. I needed to know that the months of tough cycles of chemotherapy had been worth it - and they have 😁. It's time to smile more and fight of the negative thoughts.
Monday 16th October 2016 - consultation with the surgeon
Today was the day I have been waiting anxiously for, for a few weeks. I couldn't wait to get to the hospital to hear how and when we were going to tackle my next hurdle, and see how successful the chemotherapy had been.
Sadly I came away feeling quite deflated and realised that I had got quite high expectations for today.
We couldn't discuss much about surgery and my options because I need to be referred to an oncoplastic surgeon who will do it. I feel as though this could have been maybe done before so that we did not have any delay, but I don't know how the system works here. I am out of my comfort zone because whilst I was at The Christie unknown the whole procedures.
The surgeon pointed out that I have gained quite a bit of weight and explained that it did make it harder for him to assess the tumours by touch.
He is so right I have gained 1.5 stone maybe more. Something that I am quite disgusted with I feel horrible and don't like how I look. To hear from the surgeon that it made examination harder was a bit of blow.
I think he explained that the inflammation is still in the lung but nothing to worry about as it was not cancer. I also heard him say something about the scan showing a reduction to 8mm in the lymph glands.
I thought that I would have another mammogram and ultrasound to see how all the tumours have responded to chemotherapy. But as the surgeon explained there is no need as the whole breast needs to come off due to the pre cancerous cells in the tissues throughout the breast.
I now just need to wait to see the oncoplastic surgeon. I am
in an unfamiliar place where I feel I cannot plan very far ahead until I have a date for suregery..........
Today was the day I have been waiting anxiously for, for a few weeks. I couldn't wait to get to the hospital to hear how and when we were going to tackle my next hurdle, and see how successful the chemotherapy had been.
Sadly I came away feeling quite deflated and realised that I had got quite high expectations for today.
We couldn't discuss much about surgery and my options because I need to be referred to an oncoplastic surgeon who will do it. I feel as though this could have been maybe done before so that we did not have any delay, but I don't know how the system works here. I am out of my comfort zone because whilst I was at The Christie unknown the whole procedures.
The surgeon pointed out that I have gained quite a bit of weight and explained that it did make it harder for him to assess the tumours by touch.
He is so right I have gained 1.5 stone maybe more. Something that I am quite disgusted with I feel horrible and don't like how I look. To hear from the surgeon that it made examination harder was a bit of blow.
I think he explained that the inflammation is still in the lung but nothing to worry about as it was not cancer. I also heard him say something about the scan showing a reduction to 8mm in the lymph glands.
I thought that I would have another mammogram and ultrasound to see how all the tumours have responded to chemotherapy. But as the surgeon explained there is no need as the whole breast needs to come off due to the pre cancerous cells in the tissues throughout the breast.
I now just need to wait to see the oncoplastic surgeon. I am
in an unfamiliar place where I feel I cannot plan very far ahead until I have a date for suregery..........
Sunday 15th October 2016 - Alton Towers day 2
We had a great buffet breakfast to start the day, there was so much choice it was a shame that my mouth was so sore that I couldn't taste or eat some of it.
I seem to have come out more with a cold and my sore throat has taken some of my voice with it much to the families delight I expect!
I am needing to take the oxynorm to help with pain too. The thing is I am
having so much fun that I don't care about any of those symptoms right now they are not getting in the way.
Neil doesn't enjoy roller coasters so our friends, Jilly and Steve came to join us for the day to allow me to be a big kid and ride them all!
Although the park wasn't too busy I was so grateful that I had the wristband to prevent long queues, without it I would have only managed half the rides I wanted too.
I felt so free and rid of cancer racing through on all the rides. The adrenaline kick was so good for me, I love this place and would love to go back to Florida with the children one day.
I think we were all tired by the end of the day, so after another trip to CBeebies land we headed home.
I cannot thank the Willow foundation enough. I have felt that as a family we haven't been able to fit in as many fun days out like this over the holidays and be able to spoil the children. The memories we made today will be forever with us all!
We had a great buffet breakfast to start the day, there was so much choice it was a shame that my mouth was so sore that I couldn't taste or eat some of it.
I seem to have come out more with a cold and my sore throat has taken some of my voice with it much to the families delight I expect!
I am needing to take the oxynorm to help with pain too. The thing is I am
having so much fun that I don't care about any of those symptoms right now they are not getting in the way.
Neil doesn't enjoy roller coasters so our friends, Jilly and Steve came to join us for the day to allow me to be a big kid and ride them all!
Although the park wasn't too busy I was so grateful that I had the wristband to prevent long queues, without it I would have only managed half the rides I wanted too.
I felt so free and rid of cancer racing through on all the rides. The adrenaline kick was so good for me, I love this place and would love to go back to Florida with the children one day.
I think we were all tired by the end of the day, so after another trip to CBeebies land we headed home.
I cannot thank the Willow foundation enough. I have felt that as a family we haven't been able to fit in as many fun days out like this over the holidays and be able to spoil the children. The memories we made today will be forever with us all!
Saturday 14th October 2016 - Willow foundation trip to Alton Towers
The wonderful Willow foundation organised and paid for the 4 of us to have some much needed family time away at the Alton Towers resort. We stayed overnight at the splash landings hotel and had passes for the theme park and the water park for two days. The hotel and rooms were all themed on a beach theme so the children loved it (and me of course).
Once we got there we spent the first part of the day in cbeebies land. Ava and Finn loved it, it's was so nice to all enjoy it together. Willow had organised for us to have a wristband so that we didn't have to queue. I felt like a fraud to begin with having this but I got very tired very quickly so standing in queues would have been quite difficult.
The faces as Ava and Finn recognised all their favourite characters was a memory I will never forget.
In the afternoon we checked into our hotel where we had a bit of a rest before going in the water park.
I definitely have two little water babies! Me and Neil just turned into kids with them it's was so much fun.
Me and Ava had decided to try out a water slide that went the whole way round the water park. At first glance it didn't look that bad, but as we got to the top I realised it was called the mega blaster - no ride is called that for no reason. But by this point it was too late we were committed. Poor Ava screamed her head off as it went very fast and had sections in the dark. There were water jets that hurt my bottom and I have a lot of cushioning there! She was very brave and very proud afterwards that she had gone on it. I bet I know what she tells everyone at school!
We had dinner in the hotel and then went to the family entertainment. It was so lovely and again cancer wasn't to be found anywhere.
The wonderful Willow foundation organised and paid for the 4 of us to have some much needed family time away at the Alton Towers resort. We stayed overnight at the splash landings hotel and had passes for the theme park and the water park for two days. The hotel and rooms were all themed on a beach theme so the children loved it (and me of course).
Once we got there we spent the first part of the day in cbeebies land. Ava and Finn loved it, it's was so nice to all enjoy it together. Willow had organised for us to have a wristband so that we didn't have to queue. I felt like a fraud to begin with having this but I got very tired very quickly so standing in queues would have been quite difficult.
The faces as Ava and Finn recognised all their favourite characters was a memory I will never forget.
In the afternoon we checked into our hotel where we had a bit of a rest before going in the water park.
I definitely have two little water babies! Me and Neil just turned into kids with them it's was so much fun.
Me and Ava had decided to try out a water slide that went the whole way round the water park. At first glance it didn't look that bad, but as we got to the top I realised it was called the mega blaster - no ride is called that for no reason. But by this point it was too late we were committed. Poor Ava screamed her head off as it went very fast and had sections in the dark. There were water jets that hurt my bottom and I have a lot of cushioning there! She was very brave and very proud afterwards that she had gone on it. I bet I know what she tells everyone at school!
We had dinner in the hotel and then went to the family entertainment. It was so lovely and again cancer wasn't to be found anywhere.
Thursday 13th October 2016
Today is the first day that I really get up, get dressed and venture out of the house. I tried to get up with the kids to do the school run but 20 minutes after getting up I was back on the bed lying down feeling sickly and faint. Getting dressed was to be a slow process, one I couldn't rush.
My body feels so old and run down. I have pain from my neck, through my shoulders and chest and into the lower part of my back. It hurts to sit upright for too long so I am needing to take co codamol and sometimes oxynorm to manage the pain.
Climbing the stairs really hurts my muscles, but also uses so much energy that I am breathless once I reach the top......I would seriously love a stair lift right now words I didn't think I would be saying until I was past retirement.
neil took me out for some breakfast to allow the cleaners to come in without us in the way.
Once home I was back to bed for a 3 hour sleep.
My mouth is now coated with ulcers around my gums and on my tongue. The skin all around my finger nails is all cracked and broken. It's really
Today is the first day that I really get up, get dressed and venture out of the house. I tried to get up with the kids to do the school run but 20 minutes after getting up I was back on the bed lying down feeling sickly and faint. Getting dressed was to be a slow process, one I couldn't rush.
My body feels so old and run down. I have pain from my neck, through my shoulders and chest and into the lower part of my back. It hurts to sit upright for too long so I am needing to take co codamol and sometimes oxynorm to manage the pain.
Climbing the stairs really hurts my muscles, but also uses so much energy that I am breathless once I reach the top......I would seriously love a stair lift right now words I didn't think I would be saying until I was past retirement.
neil took me out for some breakfast to allow the cleaners to come in without us in the way.
Once home I was back to bed for a 3 hour sleep.
My mouth is now coated with ulcers around my gums and on my tongue. The skin all around my finger nails is all cracked and broken. It's really
Tuesday 11th October 2016
As usual, since my chemo I have been pretty much bed bound. As the steroids wore off on Sunday the side effects started kicking in stronger. I had that familiar woozy "out of it" feeling, the aches all over my body got worse and I strugggled to stay awake. This time the headache and neck ache seemed to be worse again. I literally sleep, take tablets and eat.
Being down at mum and Dad's for the weekend meant that Ava and Finn were kept occupied by all the family. It's so nice watching Finn, Ava and Tommy play and the things they come
out with is hilarious. Ava still begged me to try and get out of bed and get dressed. She tells people that chemotherapy makes me hibernate which I would say is a fairly good discriptuon.
Neil was getting a bit of 'time out' it all in London. He went with a group from band to the Albert hall to the national brass band finals. I think he managed to hear one band before spending the rest of the time catching up with friends over beers.
I felt quite jealous that I couldn't go myself and tried to block out the thought of everyone having fun as I lay feeling sorry for myself. It's hard not to show how frustrating it is for me to watch others having fun without somehow making them feel guilty and that's not what I would want to do.
It just reminds me how much I need to make up for lost time when the treatment is over.
We are very lucky that Ava has such great friends at school. Yesterday she went to play at a friends house after school and again today she did. It makes life for me and Neil easier but more than anything it means that Ava gets to see less of me being unwell and this is important. Sometimes I can see she is angry that I am not dressed and still in bed, I just have to accept that from her right now.
Today I had a chest ct scan to check if the inflammation that was seen on my lung is gone. I won't get these results until I see my surgeon on Monday so
I knew this would bring about a bit of worrying, On Monday I hope to find out how successful the chemotherapy has been.
As usual, since my chemo I have been pretty much bed bound. As the steroids wore off on Sunday the side effects started kicking in stronger. I had that familiar woozy "out of it" feeling, the aches all over my body got worse and I strugggled to stay awake. This time the headache and neck ache seemed to be worse again. I literally sleep, take tablets and eat.
Being down at mum and Dad's for the weekend meant that Ava and Finn were kept occupied by all the family. It's so nice watching Finn, Ava and Tommy play and the things they come
out with is hilarious. Ava still begged me to try and get out of bed and get dressed. She tells people that chemotherapy makes me hibernate which I would say is a fairly good discriptuon.
Neil was getting a bit of 'time out' it all in London. He went with a group from band to the Albert hall to the national brass band finals. I think he managed to hear one band before spending the rest of the time catching up with friends over beers.
I felt quite jealous that I couldn't go myself and tried to block out the thought of everyone having fun as I lay feeling sorry for myself. It's hard not to show how frustrating it is for me to watch others having fun without somehow making them feel guilty and that's not what I would want to do.
It just reminds me how much I need to make up for lost time when the treatment is over.
We are very lucky that Ava has such great friends at school. Yesterday she went to play at a friends house after school and again today she did. It makes life for me and Neil easier but more than anything it means that Ava gets to see less of me being unwell and this is important. Sometimes I can see she is angry that I am not dressed and still in bed, I just have to accept that from her right now.
Today I had a chest ct scan to check if the inflammation that was seen on my lung is gone. I won't get these results until I see my surgeon on Monday so
I knew this would bring about a bit of worrying, On Monday I hope to find out how successful the chemotherapy has been.
Friday 7th October 2016 - Last chemo!
Finally today was my last cycle of chemotherapy, cycle number 7!
As usual the night before chemo I only managed 2-3 hours sleep. I have no idea still why I don't sleep leading up to it as I don't feel I am awake worrying about anything.
Neil was down to sort the children out again whilst Jo came with me to hospital. Keeping life as normal as possible for them is still so important and for as long as they have me or Neil they seem to be more settled.
I felt strangely quite excited to be having treatmen today knowing that it was my last, although I still can't bring myself to think that I won't need more in the future.
The cold cap was as tough as ever but was helped out once again by the wonderful complementary therapist.
It was nice to walk out of the unit and ring the bell to signify that I had competed my course of chemotherapy. I felt quite emotional and can't thank that staff enough for the wonderful care and compassion I have received.
I think the photo shows how happy I am even though I know the week that lies ahead with the side effects.
Jo drove us back to Oxford which was a good run without any traffic. It was a fairly quiet journey by our standards, but somehow I think one we were both doing with a sense of relief.
I have no more words right now for how amazing Jo has been I am just so glad I have her.
Neil was about 20 minutes behind us at mums with the children. He had the difficult task of keeping them going on the journey with food and constant questions. Ava always use to sleep the whole way down to mum and dads and only thought it took about half an hour but these days she is wide awake. They do have the DVD player and the tablet to play on but it only surpasses so much time.
As the evening comes so does the start of the side effects, the drunk woozy feeling and bad headache.
Thursday 6th October 2016
Its been a really uneventful week to write about. I left Cardiff Monday morning and then Oxford on Monday night after having dinner with mum and dad. it was so nice to be back with Neil and the children I have missed them so much. Amazing how the more I spend with them all the more I miss them.
I have enjoyed doing some work from home between naps, Finn's crazy antics and the school
runs. I have felt quite productive even though it's taken me a week to do something I would have had to do in 30 minutes if I was at work. But if it keeps me happy and allows Trish an extra 30
minutes it can't be a bad thing.
Last night I fell asleep and woke up after 20 minutes then I was awake until 4.30 so only had 2 hours sleep! I had a bit of pain but otherwise I felt fine: I don't feel I am overthinking anything but maybe subconsciously I was. I am almost excited for this chemotherapy because it's my last.....hopefully forever but at least for now!
Obviously I am dreading feeling bad for a week but the thought of no more is so nice. I actually feel like they have gone quick towards the end and I am already feeling ready to take on the next challenge.
I was driving myself to hospital which is a good 40-60 minute drive which is normally ok but when I am so tired it required redbull in the way. It reminded me of how I use to drink a lot of redbull before I got diagnosed because I was soooooo sleepy all the time. Maybe this was the first sign that something was wrong.
Neil had to take the children to school and nursery so couldn't take me but himmand his mum did offer to come and get me.
I had my bloods done and everything was OK so we are all set for tomorrow!
Jo came up from Oxford after a long day at work and she will take me and drive me home tomorrow. I think she is excited about ringing the 'chemo' bell with me tomorrow to indicate that I have finished my treatment. Either that or she wants to see my, not very flattering photo that is up on the walls of the hospital to raise awareness about he flu campaign!
Its been a really uneventful week to write about. I left Cardiff Monday morning and then Oxford on Monday night after having dinner with mum and dad. it was so nice to be back with Neil and the children I have missed them so much. Amazing how the more I spend with them all the more I miss them.
I have enjoyed doing some work from home between naps, Finn's crazy antics and the school
runs. I have felt quite productive even though it's taken me a week to do something I would have had to do in 30 minutes if I was at work. But if it keeps me happy and allows Trish an extra 30
minutes it can't be a bad thing.
Last night I fell asleep and woke up after 20 minutes then I was awake until 4.30 so only had 2 hours sleep! I had a bit of pain but otherwise I felt fine: I don't feel I am overthinking anything but maybe subconsciously I was. I am almost excited for this chemotherapy because it's my last.....hopefully forever but at least for now!
Obviously I am dreading feeling bad for a week but the thought of no more is so nice. I actually feel like they have gone quick towards the end and I am already feeling ready to take on the next challenge.
I was driving myself to hospital which is a good 40-60 minute drive which is normally ok but when I am so tired it required redbull in the way. It reminded me of how I use to drink a lot of redbull before I got diagnosed because I was soooooo sleepy all the time. Maybe this was the first sign that something was wrong.
Neil had to take the children to school and nursery so couldn't take me but himmand his mum did offer to come and get me.
I had my bloods done and everything was OK so we are all set for tomorrow!
Jo came up from Oxford after a long day at work and she will take me and drive me home tomorrow. I think she is excited about ringing the 'chemo' bell with me tomorrow to indicate that I have finished my treatment. Either that or she wants to see my, not very flattering photo that is up on the walls of the hospital to raise awareness about he flu campaign!
Sunday 2nd October 2016 - Cardiff half. Marathon
I feel
quite honoured today as a few people have taken part in runs and had The Christie Hospital as their charity. The first two were friends Adam and Mike Rouse, that ran a marathon in Bournemouth. Then there was Lyndsey and Jo my friends from school that did the half marathon in Cardiff.
Jo has been one of my absolute rocks these past few months since my diagnosis. There has not been a day gone by that she hasn't messaged me first thing in the morning or last thing at night to check how I am. She has been there through chemotherapy with me and been at the end of the phone many times when I have been upset, not to forget keeping my hair in such beautiful condition. She has been an amazing friend, and is always so kind, caring and considerate.
So as if that's not enough she decided she wanted to do something that she could to raise money for the Hospital treating me.
She has ran the London marathon before but swore after that she would never do one again, so she decided to do a half instead.
I admire her discipline and dedication, she has trained hard for weeks and has not been well all week leading up to this.
All of the runners did fantastic and together managed to raise over £5000!
I went along with Lyndsey's family and Jo's husband to watch. It was a glorious sunny day which was nice for us spectating but not so much for the runners.
We waited and saw them at mile 7 and then met them at the end. I found it quite emotional watching everyone run, it was great to be there to cheer them on.
I was so proud of them both completing it something I couldn't do.
We then enjoyed the afternoon in the pub where we had lunch and a few drinks before staying back at Lyndsey's.
I feel
quite honoured today as a few people have taken part in runs and had The Christie Hospital as their charity. The first two were friends Adam and Mike Rouse, that ran a marathon in Bournemouth. Then there was Lyndsey and Jo my friends from school that did the half marathon in Cardiff.
Jo has been one of my absolute rocks these past few months since my diagnosis. There has not been a day gone by that she hasn't messaged me first thing in the morning or last thing at night to check how I am. She has been there through chemotherapy with me and been at the end of the phone many times when I have been upset, not to forget keeping my hair in such beautiful condition. She has been an amazing friend, and is always so kind, caring and considerate.
So as if that's not enough she decided she wanted to do something that she could to raise money for the Hospital treating me.
She has ran the London marathon before but swore after that she would never do one again, so she decided to do a half instead.
I admire her discipline and dedication, she has trained hard for weeks and has not been well all week leading up to this.
All of the runners did fantastic and together managed to raise over £5000!
I went along with Lyndsey's family and Jo's husband to watch. It was a glorious sunny day which was nice for us spectating but not so much for the runners.
We waited and saw them at mile 7 and then met them at the end. I found it quite emotional watching everyone run, it was great to be there to cheer them on.
I was so proud of them both completing it something I couldn't do.
We then enjoyed the afternoon in the pub where we had lunch and a few drinks before staying back at Lyndsey's.
Saturday 1st October 2016
I was up early to take Ava to her swimming lesson and took Finn with me to let Neil get some sleep whilst he could.
Afterwards Neil dropped me at the station for me to catch the train down to mum and dad's in Oxford. He has the children on his own for 3 days.
There wa a bit of a delay on the trains, but it was a lot less stressful than driving, especially as I wouldn't be able to stay awake long enough to drive that far.
From Oxford mum picked me up and I went back to their house for a few hours. It was so nice to see her and Dad, especially after a difficult time last week and only being able to talk to them on the phone.
I was picked up from mums to go with my friends Jo and Matt to Cardiff to stay at another friends, Lyndsey for the weekend.
Lyndsey and Jo have been friends of mine since school and are running the Cardiff half marathon. It's in aid of the hospital I am being treated at so I wanted to go down and support them..
It was great to get to Cardiff and catch up.
I was up early to take Ava to her swimming lesson and took Finn with me to let Neil get some sleep whilst he could.
Afterwards Neil dropped me at the station for me to catch the train down to mum and dad's in Oxford. He has the children on his own for 3 days.
There wa a bit of a delay on the trains, but it was a lot less stressful than driving, especially as I wouldn't be able to stay awake long enough to drive that far.
From Oxford mum picked me up and I went back to their house for a few hours. It was so nice to see her and Dad, especially after a difficult time last week and only being able to talk to them on the phone.
I was picked up from mums to go with my friends Jo and Matt to Cardiff to stay at another friends, Lyndsey for the weekend.
Lyndsey and Jo have been friends of mine since school and are running the Cardiff half marathon. It's in aid of the hospital I am being treated at so I wanted to go down and support them..
It was great to get to Cardiff and catch up.
Thursday 29th September 2016
Today was a nice positive day for me.
Ava was at school and Neil had Finn to keep entertained.
I had a couple of appointments with people at the Christie and tied it in with a bit of work and 'keeping in touch' day. It was so nice to spend a few hours doing a bit of work and hearing about what's been going on at work. I remembered what life there is after cancer.
Since being diagnosed and treated I have found that I have missed using my brain and doing something productive. I have enjoyed spending time with the family when I am well but I crave a bit of work. It probably sounds crazy to some people, but I love work and it has always been what drives me. One of my colleagues who is a good friend said that seeing me at work is the most animated and cheerful she has seen me in a long time. I think it is because I feel like I have a worth and I am doing something to help someone.
I had my counselling sessions which was very productive and helpful but very difficult. It's the place I can really open up about all my fears without the worry of hurting anyone else. My counsellor is fantastic and helps me to make sense and normalise some of my fears.
Being an anxious person anyway we spent a lot of time talking about uncertainty and how that drives fear and anxiety.
Uncertainty is something I absolutely hate! I like to be organised and know what is going to happen. Cancer is just full of uncertainty, no one will ever be able to tell me what the future holds with cancer. So then I have to make a decision on how I choose to live with this. The best way for me is to not let it control my life, and try and assume I will be cured at the end of this and it won't return. If it does I will be happy that I have lived my life to the full. Life is full of uncertainty without cancer it's just you don't think about it I guess.
I have taken a little bit of 'easy' work home with me that I can do to fill time and feel a bit more useful.....I hope.
I had a lovely bedtime with the kids and then a nice catch up with someone I use to work with.
Today was a nice positive day for me.
Ava was at school and Neil had Finn to keep entertained.
I had a couple of appointments with people at the Christie and tied it in with a bit of work and 'keeping in touch' day. It was so nice to spend a few hours doing a bit of work and hearing about what's been going on at work. I remembered what life there is after cancer.
Since being diagnosed and treated I have found that I have missed using my brain and doing something productive. I have enjoyed spending time with the family when I am well but I crave a bit of work. It probably sounds crazy to some people, but I love work and it has always been what drives me. One of my colleagues who is a good friend said that seeing me at work is the most animated and cheerful she has seen me in a long time. I think it is because I feel like I have a worth and I am doing something to help someone.
I had my counselling sessions which was very productive and helpful but very difficult. It's the place I can really open up about all my fears without the worry of hurting anyone else. My counsellor is fantastic and helps me to make sense and normalise some of my fears.
Being an anxious person anyway we spent a lot of time talking about uncertainty and how that drives fear and anxiety.
Uncertainty is something I absolutely hate! I like to be organised and know what is going to happen. Cancer is just full of uncertainty, no one will ever be able to tell me what the future holds with cancer. So then I have to make a decision on how I choose to live with this. The best way for me is to not let it control my life, and try and assume I will be cured at the end of this and it won't return. If it does I will be happy that I have lived my life to the full. Life is full of uncertainty without cancer it's just you don't think about it I guess.
I have taken a little bit of 'easy' work home with me that I can do to fill time and feel a bit more useful.....I hope.
I had a lovely bedtime with the kids and then a nice catch up with someone I use to work with.
Tuesday 27th September 2016
I have had a few dark days since my trip to Leeds and have not really felt like I want to face the 'normal' world out there.
I have been very scared, tearful and angry, just like in the first few days of being diagnosed. All the what ifs have been back, what if my cancer hasn't been responding to treatment? What if it's been getting bigger? What if the inflammation in my lung was cancer?.
I have just wanted to hold the kids so so tight, I have to see what they grow up to be, I never ever thought that would become one of my biggest threats.
I have found myself searching for meaning again. Is it something I have done in the past? Is it because I have always dedicated too much time to work?.....this is not normally something I would do.
I have the best friends and family who helped to pull me through, instead of locking myself away to deal with my emotions I did what I find so uncomfortable and picked up the phone to mum and dad. I always worry that I will leave them miles away worrying about me if they hear me upset, but I know they are not going to worry anymore than normal if they feel they have been a help.
But normal service resumes and I am back to taking a day at a time.
I am still aching quite a bit and suffering with fatigue. I have lost some of the sensation in my finger tips which is another side effect from the chemotherapy and have deep cracks down the sides of my nails which are so sore. I found it quite debilitating trying to make tonight's dinner.
I went to watch Bridget Jones at the cinema tonight with Karen and laughed so much it is great medicine. I also received a letter through work that had some lovely comments on it from some colleagues which brought a tear to my eye, I have shared this below. It really couldn't have come at a better time.
I have had a few dark days since my trip to Leeds and have not really felt like I want to face the 'normal' world out there.
I have been very scared, tearful and angry, just like in the first few days of being diagnosed. All the what ifs have been back, what if my cancer hasn't been responding to treatment? What if it's been getting bigger? What if the inflammation in my lung was cancer?.
I have just wanted to hold the kids so so tight, I have to see what they grow up to be, I never ever thought that would become one of my biggest threats.
I have found myself searching for meaning again. Is it something I have done in the past? Is it because I have always dedicated too much time to work?.....this is not normally something I would do.
I have the best friends and family who helped to pull me through, instead of locking myself away to deal with my emotions I did what I find so uncomfortable and picked up the phone to mum and dad. I always worry that I will leave them miles away worrying about me if they hear me upset, but I know they are not going to worry anymore than normal if they feel they have been a help.
But normal service resumes and I am back to taking a day at a time.
I am still aching quite a bit and suffering with fatigue. I have lost some of the sensation in my finger tips which is another side effect from the chemotherapy and have deep cracks down the sides of my nails which are so sore. I found it quite debilitating trying to make tonight's dinner.
I went to watch Bridget Jones at the cinema tonight with Karen and laughed so much it is great medicine. I also received a letter through work that had some lovely comments on it from some colleagues which brought a tear to my eye, I have shared this below. It really couldn't have come at a better time.
Saturday 24th September 2016
I'm not sure if it was because I had slept in a different bed or just the effects of the chemotherapy still, but I woke in a lot of pain in my back and neck. I tired to manage on just cocodamol for the pain but it got worse so I had to give in and take the oxynorm. I can't believe how quickly I have managed to get through a bottle of this since my last treatment.
Todays sessions were about lymphodema following surgery, healthy eating and exercise, we also had a talk from someone who is 5 years post treatment for breast cancer and set up the Facebook group younger women with breast cancer.
It was helpful talking to others about their treatment and how they have coped with side effects. I also found it great being able to hear about all the types of surgery. I did find that it brought it all home and made it very real, it's so sad that there were so many young people with it.
I'm not sure if it was because I had slept in a different bed or just the effects of the chemotherapy still, but I woke in a lot of pain in my back and neck. I tired to manage on just cocodamol for the pain but it got worse so I had to give in and take the oxynorm. I can't believe how quickly I have managed to get through a bottle of this since my last treatment.
Todays sessions were about lymphodema following surgery, healthy eating and exercise, we also had a talk from someone who is 5 years post treatment for breast cancer and set up the Facebook group younger women with breast cancer.
It was helpful talking to others about their treatment and how they have coped with side effects. I also found it great being able to hear about all the types of surgery. I did find that it brought it all home and made it very real, it's so sad that there were so many young people with it.
Friday 23rd September 2016
Today I headed off on the train to Leeds to attend the "Younger Women Together" event held by the breast cancer care charity. It is a two day event all paid for by the charity, held in the Hilton hotel.
There were about 35 women attending all under the age of 45. We had various sessions about breast cancer, surgery and reconstruction and mindfulness. We all had lunch and dinner together and were able to discuss our own stories.
It was so nice to be in the majority for a change not the minority, being surrounding by women with breast cancer who truly understood how I felt. I was complemented and envied by quite a few people that had tried cold capping during their treatment but had still lost their hair.
I was still so tired from the chemo last week so after dinner I went back to the hotel room only to then stay awake reading the end of my book. It's been such an informative day but very overwhelming in some ways.
Today I headed off on the train to Leeds to attend the "Younger Women Together" event held by the breast cancer care charity. It is a two day event all paid for by the charity, held in the Hilton hotel.
There were about 35 women attending all under the age of 45. We had various sessions about breast cancer, surgery and reconstruction and mindfulness. We all had lunch and dinner together and were able to discuss our own stories.
It was so nice to be in the majority for a change not the minority, being surrounding by women with breast cancer who truly understood how I felt. I was complemented and envied by quite a few people that had tried cold capping during their treatment but had still lost their hair.
I was still so tired from the chemo last week so after dinner I went back to the hotel room only to then stay awake reading the end of my book. It's been such an informative day but very overwhelming in some ways.
Tuesday 20th September 2016
I have woken in the night feeling so so sick and as much as I have tried I can't actually be sick. I have taken my anti sickness tablet but I almost feel that I have too many medications swimming around in there now.. I feel like I am burning on the inside and yet freezing on the outside, I have my fan on next to the bed all the time.
Since Saturday night I have been in bed. I have only managed to get up to watch Ava open her birthday presents on Monday and have tea with her. Each evening I try sitting up for tea and end up feeling very shaky and weak, just gettig up makes my heart race and I feel like I will pass out. I often have to just get myself laid out flat and go back to bed.
The muscle and joint aches are bad, I am forever taking pain killers and nodding off to sleep. I find it hard to get the strength to type this or text messages to people but contact with people is helping to pull me through.
It breaks my heart each day as Finn gets dragged away from me screaming. He doesn't understand. He just wants cuddles with me and wants to play, but every touch hurts so after 20 mins or so I can't cope. He looks at me with loving, but sad eyes and accepts that this is part of mummy being normal, I don't want him to remember this bit.
Ava as always understands, and she goes from being angry because I can't help her with things or play, to so sad but loving. She knows that cuddles can hurt so she is so gentle and just rubs my back. She will remember these days but luckily she remembers mummy before she became ill. We talk about mummy being better soon and the things we would like to do.
Mum had to return home on Monday evening, we all miss her so much she is just an angel, she doesn't stop. I want something special to share with her when this is all over.
Neil is running the house and sorting the kids, he has always been fantastic with the children. I love being able to lie in bed and hear them all laughing, even if it does put a lump in my throat. It is hard for him to be the one that has to drag them away from me. I can see that sometimes he feels helpless as there is nothing he can do to make me feel better, just having him close by and hugs at the ready are all I need.
I feel rubbish and I have had enough but I know now I have to just ride the storm out and will start to feel better soon.
I have woken in the night feeling so so sick and as much as I have tried I can't actually be sick. I have taken my anti sickness tablet but I almost feel that I have too many medications swimming around in there now.. I feel like I am burning on the inside and yet freezing on the outside, I have my fan on next to the bed all the time.
Since Saturday night I have been in bed. I have only managed to get up to watch Ava open her birthday presents on Monday and have tea with her. Each evening I try sitting up for tea and end up feeling very shaky and weak, just gettig up makes my heart race and I feel like I will pass out. I often have to just get myself laid out flat and go back to bed.
The muscle and joint aches are bad, I am forever taking pain killers and nodding off to sleep. I find it hard to get the strength to type this or text messages to people but contact with people is helping to pull me through.
It breaks my heart each day as Finn gets dragged away from me screaming. He doesn't understand. He just wants cuddles with me and wants to play, but every touch hurts so after 20 mins or so I can't cope. He looks at me with loving, but sad eyes and accepts that this is part of mummy being normal, I don't want him to remember this bit.
Ava as always understands, and she goes from being angry because I can't help her with things or play, to so sad but loving. She knows that cuddles can hurt so she is so gentle and just rubs my back. She will remember these days but luckily she remembers mummy before she became ill. We talk about mummy being better soon and the things we would like to do.
Mum had to return home on Monday evening, we all miss her so much she is just an angel, she doesn't stop. I want something special to share with her when this is all over.
Neil is running the house and sorting the kids, he has always been fantastic with the children. I love being able to lie in bed and hear them all laughing, even if it does put a lump in my throat. It is hard for him to be the one that has to drag them away from me. I can see that sometimes he feels helpless as there is nothing he can do to make me feel better, just having him close by and hugs at the ready are all I need.
I feel rubbish and I have had enough but I know now I have to just ride the storm out and will start to feel better soon.
Sunday 18th September 2016
Today was about me being an extremely proud wife. Months of hard word paid off for the band and Neil at the National Finals in Cheltenham where they came 2nd. I was gutted that I wasn't well enough to be there in person and was nearly in tears reading all the co,meets on their performance.
Neil works so hard and is so talented as a musician this is just what he needed at such a tough time.
My friend Laura kept me company all day just lying on the bed with me, it's nice to just have someone there when I am feeling so rubbish and sorry for myself.
Mum did another great job of keeping the kids entertained whilst also washing, tidying, cooking and baking.
Today was about me being an extremely proud wife. Months of hard word paid off for the band and Neil at the National Finals in Cheltenham where they came 2nd. I was gutted that I wasn't well enough to be there in person and was nearly in tears reading all the co,meets on their performance.
Neil works so hard and is so talented as a musician this is just what he needed at such a tough time.
My friend Laura kept me company all day just lying on the bed with me, it's nice to just have someone there when I am feeling so rubbish and sorry for myself.
Mum did another great job of keeping the kids entertained whilst also washing, tidying, cooking and baking.
Saturday 17th September 2016
It was a long day for Ava's dance semi finals at the Blackpool Winter Gardens, but a fantastic day!
All the girls danced their socks off and earnt themselves 2nd in the hip hop genre, and 3rd overall which means that they qualify for the finals at the Liverpool Echo arena. I was so proud of Ava getting up there and being able to dance so confidently on stage.
Finn was a little gem and watched the dancers with me and mum. With the results only coming though at 8pm we were all glad to get home to bed. Despite feeling quite pathetic and weak I got through the day, I was determined this would be about Ava and not my cancer.
It was a long day for Ava's dance semi finals at the Blackpool Winter Gardens, but a fantastic day!
All the girls danced their socks off and earnt themselves 2nd in the hip hop genre, and 3rd overall which means that they qualify for the finals at the Liverpool Echo arena. I was so proud of Ava getting up there and being able to dance so confidently on stage.
Finn was a little gem and watched the dancers with me and mum. With the results only coming though at 8pm we were all glad to get home to bed. Despite feeling quite pathetic and weak I got through the day, I was determined this would be about Ava and not my cancer.
Thursday 15th September 2016
Today I had an early appointment to get my bloods checked prior to chemotherapy tomorrow, thankfully everything was within the normal range and I can go ahead with treatment tomorrow.
By cycle 7 I have learnt to do something nice the day and evening before treatment, so me and mum had a day of great food and shopping in knutsford it was lovely.
We then had to take Ava to her final rehearsal for her dance semi-finals in Blackpool on Saturday. I am so proud of her, she has practiced every night this week..........even if it did take a bit of bribery.
From here it was a quick stop at the 'drug shop' to pick up lots of medicines to keep me going for the next few weeks. It's so good that the nhs pay for a medical exemption for these because I really would not be able to afford them all. I panic if I don't have enough supply of my pain killers, anti-diarrhoea or antisickness medication as these seem to be such unpredictable symptoms these days. I now also have to keep up a stock of mouthwash for the ulcers, foot cream for cracked feet, hand cream for cracked palms, and lip balm for cracked lips - it's tough trying to look good through chemotherapy but I don't like pain or looking bad!
A few people ask me what should they get as 'essentials' for the a patient going through similar. I have mentioned some above but here is the contents of my very heavy bag I carry around.
Anti-diarrhoea tablets
Anti-Sickness tablets
Strong pain killers
Very strong pain killers
Lip balm
Tissues - I have little nostril hair and always have a runny nose
Hand cream
.Thermometer - to check if I have an infection or a hot flush
My diary - I have chemo brain so I am always forgetting appointment dates and times, kids events at school and babysitting arrangements
Then a lot of obvious like, perfume, umbrella etc.
Then this evening I went to hear our band, Poynton Brass Band, rehearse for the national finals in Cheltenham on Sunday. I was so excited back in March when we won the north west area to qualify this contact and couldn't wait to play at the finals again. I am gutted I won't be there playing or watching. Not only do I love the test piece and have fond memories of playing it many years ago, but I have always been to any contest that Neil is playing or conducting. I don't like not being there to support him. He is a very talented musician (in my opinion) and despite the rubbish situation we have been in, he has managed to care for us all and work very hard behind the scenes to prepare the band. I wish all my great friends and husband good luck!
Today I had an early appointment to get my bloods checked prior to chemotherapy tomorrow, thankfully everything was within the normal range and I can go ahead with treatment tomorrow.
By cycle 7 I have learnt to do something nice the day and evening before treatment, so me and mum had a day of great food and shopping in knutsford it was lovely.
We then had to take Ava to her final rehearsal for her dance semi-finals in Blackpool on Saturday. I am so proud of her, she has practiced every night this week..........even if it did take a bit of bribery.
From here it was a quick stop at the 'drug shop' to pick up lots of medicines to keep me going for the next few weeks. It's so good that the nhs pay for a medical exemption for these because I really would not be able to afford them all. I panic if I don't have enough supply of my pain killers, anti-diarrhoea or antisickness medication as these seem to be such unpredictable symptoms these days. I now also have to keep up a stock of mouthwash for the ulcers, foot cream for cracked feet, hand cream for cracked palms, and lip balm for cracked lips - it's tough trying to look good through chemotherapy but I don't like pain or looking bad!
A few people ask me what should they get as 'essentials' for the a patient going through similar. I have mentioned some above but here is the contents of my very heavy bag I carry around.
Anti-diarrhoea tablets
Anti-Sickness tablets
Strong pain killers
Very strong pain killers
Lip balm
Tissues - I have little nostril hair and always have a runny nose
Hand cream
.Thermometer - to check if I have an infection or a hot flush
My diary - I have chemo brain so I am always forgetting appointment dates and times, kids events at school and babysitting arrangements
Then a lot of obvious like, perfume, umbrella etc.
Then this evening I went to hear our band, Poynton Brass Band, rehearse for the national finals in Cheltenham on Sunday. I was so excited back in March when we won the north west area to qualify this contact and couldn't wait to play at the finals again. I am gutted I won't be there playing or watching. Not only do I love the test piece and have fond memories of playing it many years ago, but I have always been to any contest that Neil is playing or conducting. I don't like not being there to support him. He is a very talented musician (in my opinion) and despite the rubbish situation we have been in, he has managed to care for us all and work very hard behind the scenes to prepare the band. I wish all my great friends and husband good luck!
Friday 16th September 2016
Here goes cycle 6 out of 7, so nearly there!
Mum was with me today leaving Neil to sort the children out.
Before starting my treatment I briefly met with the communications and medical illustration team at the Hospital, to discuss how I could assist in this years flu vaccination campaign as a patient who blogs about my experience.
As a nurse it has always made sense to me to receive the flu vaccination, to protect myself from becoming ill and requiring time off work, but also to protect my patients from contracting any kind of infection from myself.
Each year I am been part of the team of nurses who offer and administer the flu vaccination to staff. Part of this role has always been to help staff to understand the importance of having the vaccination, and encourage them to take it.
Now that I find myself as the 'patient' and not the 'nurse' it all means so much more to me, I am so pleased that the hospital take such an active stance against protecting their staff from flu with the vaccinations.
I have become increasingly aware of my risk of infection from others, a situation that I can feel more in control of in my home environment by asking people to stay away if they are at all unwell. I don't have this control in hospital so knowing that all staff I come into contact with have been offered this injection puts my mind at rest. I spend so many of my days in bed recovering from the effects of the chemotherapy that getting flu would not only set me back with my treatment but it could be life threatening to me.
The chemo went through without any problems and I had another foot and leg massage which sent me in to a nice deep sleep. The complementary therapy team are certainly one of the unsung heroes of this hospital and I most definitely will want to change the way in which I utilise their services in the future for my patients. The massage allows me to be relaxed and taken to another place during treatment, it makes it all more bareable right now.
I have been thinking about how many interruptions patients get on the wards when they are receiving complementary therapy from the team. Having felt the benefit myself of this service I feel so much more passionate about being able to return to the ward and conduct a better environment for this to take place.
I had had a few visitors which was nice. It was also nice for mum to meet some of my close colleagues and friends.
Ava has her dance semi final in Blackpool tomorrow so after my treatment we picked Finn and Ava up and drove to Blackpool where we stayed overnight in a hotel. Traffic was really bad due to a big firework display on the seafront and the illuminations, but we made it in time to see them.
I was so tired by the end of the day but I struggled to get off to sleep. Neil has the National finals with the band in Cheltenham this weekend so he sadly can't be here with us. I am hoping my sheer determination and extra steroids will help me to get through tomorrow for Ava. I do not want her ever thinking that cancer stood in her way or stopped her from doing anything she wanted.
Here goes cycle 6 out of 7, so nearly there!
Mum was with me today leaving Neil to sort the children out.
Before starting my treatment I briefly met with the communications and medical illustration team at the Hospital, to discuss how I could assist in this years flu vaccination campaign as a patient who blogs about my experience.
As a nurse it has always made sense to me to receive the flu vaccination, to protect myself from becoming ill and requiring time off work, but also to protect my patients from contracting any kind of infection from myself.
Each year I am been part of the team of nurses who offer and administer the flu vaccination to staff. Part of this role has always been to help staff to understand the importance of having the vaccination, and encourage them to take it.
Now that I find myself as the 'patient' and not the 'nurse' it all means so much more to me, I am so pleased that the hospital take such an active stance against protecting their staff from flu with the vaccinations.
I have become increasingly aware of my risk of infection from others, a situation that I can feel more in control of in my home environment by asking people to stay away if they are at all unwell. I don't have this control in hospital so knowing that all staff I come into contact with have been offered this injection puts my mind at rest. I spend so many of my days in bed recovering from the effects of the chemotherapy that getting flu would not only set me back with my treatment but it could be life threatening to me.
The chemo went through without any problems and I had another foot and leg massage which sent me in to a nice deep sleep. The complementary therapy team are certainly one of the unsung heroes of this hospital and I most definitely will want to change the way in which I utilise their services in the future for my patients. The massage allows me to be relaxed and taken to another place during treatment, it makes it all more bareable right now.
I have been thinking about how many interruptions patients get on the wards when they are receiving complementary therapy from the team. Having felt the benefit myself of this service I feel so much more passionate about being able to return to the ward and conduct a better environment for this to take place.
I had had a few visitors which was nice. It was also nice for mum to meet some of my close colleagues and friends.
Ava has her dance semi final in Blackpool tomorrow so after my treatment we picked Finn and Ava up and drove to Blackpool where we stayed overnight in a hotel. Traffic was really bad due to a big firework display on the seafront and the illuminations, but we made it in time to see them.
I was so tired by the end of the day but I struggled to get off to sleep. Neil has the National finals with the band in Cheltenham this weekend so he sadly can't be here with us. I am hoping my sheer determination and extra steroids will help me to get through tomorrow for Ava. I do not want her ever thinking that cancer stood in her way or stopped her from doing anything she wanted.
Wednesday 14th September 2016
Neil was at the hospital all day. Since his DVT his pain has been bad and now has a very swollen ankle. He had to go to get scans done and came away not really any the wiser as to what is going on other than vein damage.
He has an immune disease and in reaction to infection gets swollen joints, arthritic joints, gout and a rash. He seems to get this most when he is stressed and sadly with all that is going on he is right now.
I know he would love to be back at work and have normal service resume. But neil doesn't know from day to day how bad I will feel. It is tough for him to suddenly have a wife that cannot get up with the children at night, take them to school, find someone to care for Finn for 5 days a week, cook (this is not his strong point), wash, clean and shop......and also worry about his mum. He works with the general public so has to be careful that he is in the right frame of mind right now to ensure he is able to perform his job properly. But I am sure the help that he is getting it won't be long before he can go back. I must say though that family and friends have been amazing at making sure they give him a break and he can rest (his strong point😜).
Mum flew in from her trip to Menorca with her friend. she is staying with us to help with our very busy weekend with the children and me. Mum needed this trip so much. She cares for my Dad who sadly has MS as well as me and working full time. She is the most kind hearted, selfless person I have ever met, she will do everything to help everyone before considering herself. She uses every minutes of every day more than once to fit in her busy schedule!
Neil was at the hospital all day. Since his DVT his pain has been bad and now has a very swollen ankle. He had to go to get scans done and came away not really any the wiser as to what is going on other than vein damage.
He has an immune disease and in reaction to infection gets swollen joints, arthritic joints, gout and a rash. He seems to get this most when he is stressed and sadly with all that is going on he is right now.
I know he would love to be back at work and have normal service resume. But neil doesn't know from day to day how bad I will feel. It is tough for him to suddenly have a wife that cannot get up with the children at night, take them to school, find someone to care for Finn for 5 days a week, cook (this is not his strong point), wash, clean and shop......and also worry about his mum. He works with the general public so has to be careful that he is in the right frame of mind right now to ensure he is able to perform his job properly. But I am sure the help that he is getting it won't be long before he can go back. I must say though that family and friends have been amazing at making sure they give him a break and he can rest (his strong point😜).
Mum flew in from her trip to Menorca with her friend. she is staying with us to help with our very busy weekend with the children and me. Mum needed this trip so much. She cares for my Dad who sadly has MS as well as me and working full time. She is the most kind hearted, selfless person I have ever met, she will do everything to help everyone before considering herself. She uses every minutes of every day more than once to fit in her busy schedule!
Tuesday 13th September 2016
Nevermind talking about my day it is all mundane and boring right now! but my evening was worth talking about.
I went to the cinema with my friend Karen to see Bad Mum's.......it is hilarious and a must see for anyone especially anyone that has children. I have not laughed so much in ages!! And anyone that knows Karen will know that
I was battling with her 'distinct laugh,' I'm sure every mum has moments when they feel so guilty about being a bad mum, well this film will reassure you and make you think a little different for a week or so.
Nevermind talking about my day it is all mundane and boring right now! but my evening was worth talking about.
I went to the cinema with my friend Karen to see Bad Mum's.......it is hilarious and a must see for anyone especially anyone that has children. I have not laughed so much in ages!! And anyone that knows Karen will know that
I was battling with her 'distinct laugh,' I'm sure every mum has moments when they feel so guilty about being a bad mum, well this film will reassure you and make you think a little different for a week or so.
Saturday 10 September 2016
I don't really have anything much to write about.
Neil is having problems with pain in his leg where he had the DVT in earlier this year. There doesn't seem to be much of an explanation as to why it is so painful again or what the management of it is. The hospital have made a referral for compression stockings but can't really say how long he will wait for these. In the meantime it's a case of trying to elevate it to reduce the pain, although this doesn't seem to be helping much either.
I seem to be needing the oxynorm a few times a day for my neck, shoulder and back pain. I probably should keep a bit of a record of the pain and how frequent I need extra pain relief, but I can't bring myself to be bothered doing one. All these things I expect of my patients and when it's me I just want to do the bare minimum to try and pretend I don't really have cancer.
Inside I worry a bit about whether this chemotherapy is working, I haven't had a scan for a while so my mind is left to run wild. I just keep telling myself that it's not long until I will have a scan pre surgery.
I still seem to be putting on weight and feeling quite disgusting with it, yet not enough to stop me eating what I feel like when I feel like it.
Ava is busy practicing for her dance competition and enjoying being back to school. Finn is saying more words and entertaining us everyday with new things he is learning.
I am still needing a sleep every day and feeling constantly tired but I am able to do a lot more things so I am making the most of it.
I don't really have anything much to write about.
Neil is having problems with pain in his leg where he had the DVT in earlier this year. There doesn't seem to be much of an explanation as to why it is so painful again or what the management of it is. The hospital have made a referral for compression stockings but can't really say how long he will wait for these. In the meantime it's a case of trying to elevate it to reduce the pain, although this doesn't seem to be helping much either.
I seem to be needing the oxynorm a few times a day for my neck, shoulder and back pain. I probably should keep a bit of a record of the pain and how frequent I need extra pain relief, but I can't bring myself to be bothered doing one. All these things I expect of my patients and when it's me I just want to do the bare minimum to try and pretend I don't really have cancer.
Inside I worry a bit about whether this chemotherapy is working, I haven't had a scan for a while so my mind is left to run wild. I just keep telling myself that it's not long until I will have a scan pre surgery.
I still seem to be putting on weight and feeling quite disgusting with it, yet not enough to stop me eating what I feel like when I feel like it.
Ava is busy practicing for her dance competition and enjoying being back to school. Finn is saying more words and entertaining us everyday with new things he is learning.
I am still needing a sleep every day and feeling constantly tired but I am able to do a lot more things so I am making the most of it.
Tuesday 6th September 2016
Today whilst Ava was at school and Finn with Neil, I had a wonderful day at a spa which included a 3 course lunch and a full body massage, it was heaven!
I had won this fantastic freebie from Ellie's friends, which is an online platform which enables adults living with cancer free and discounted services in their area. Once you have registered as an individual with cancer you can then apply for certain offers like this one.
Whilst there I met up with someone else in my area with breast cancer who shared her experience of living with cancer and offered me a lot of advice and guidance. The day gave me some real quality time to myself, which was so valuable and gave me a lot of time to think and reflect.
I felt quite positive being independent for the day, I realised how little I was getting out and doing things on my own, even driving further than the local supermarket. I have always been very independent and don't want to loose this part of me.
I thought a lot about life after treatment and some of the things that I would love to do.
During the day I had been told about a programme that has been re-released on iplayer called "Before I kicked the bucket". It is a documentary by Rowena Kincaid, a terminally ill 39 year old with breast cancer who investigates what she should do with the time she has left.
It was obviously quite sad, however it was very thought provoking and I instantly admired her lust for life and her humour.
She gave such a real account of cancer and I found it weirdly reassuring to see how she struggled with the chemotherapy and its side effects like I have. She is like me in the way that she doesn't like asking for help and feels that at a such age why should you be needing too. Her friends were trying to get her to understand that she needs to see them on her bad days so they can help her not when she is feeling better........so true! It was interesting how it showed an insight into what it is like for your friends to watch you go through everything.
The day and the programme made me think about how to appreciate life and living for now.
https://www.elliesfriends.org/freebies
Today whilst Ava was at school and Finn with Neil, I had a wonderful day at a spa which included a 3 course lunch and a full body massage, it was heaven!
I had won this fantastic freebie from Ellie's friends, which is an online platform which enables adults living with cancer free and discounted services in their area. Once you have registered as an individual with cancer you can then apply for certain offers like this one.
Whilst there I met up with someone else in my area with breast cancer who shared her experience of living with cancer and offered me a lot of advice and guidance. The day gave me some real quality time to myself, which was so valuable and gave me a lot of time to think and reflect.
I felt quite positive being independent for the day, I realised how little I was getting out and doing things on my own, even driving further than the local supermarket. I have always been very independent and don't want to loose this part of me.
I thought a lot about life after treatment and some of the things that I would love to do.
During the day I had been told about a programme that has been re-released on iplayer called "Before I kicked the bucket". It is a documentary by Rowena Kincaid, a terminally ill 39 year old with breast cancer who investigates what she should do with the time she has left.
It was obviously quite sad, however it was very thought provoking and I instantly admired her lust for life and her humour.
She gave such a real account of cancer and I found it weirdly reassuring to see how she struggled with the chemotherapy and its side effects like I have. She is like me in the way that she doesn't like asking for help and feels that at a such age why should you be needing too. Her friends were trying to get her to understand that she needs to see them on her bad days so they can help her not when she is feeling better........so true! It was interesting how it showed an insight into what it is like for your friends to watch you go through everything.
The day and the programme made me think about how to appreciate life and living for now.
https://www.elliesfriends.org/freebies
Monday 5th September 2016
Ava was back to school today and she was so excited to see all her friends and start year 1. I was really pleased to be able to take her and see all the school mums again. I have missed that regular adult contact and chat in the mornings and afternoons. I also enjoyed walking her there and back and getting back to some normal routine.
Finn was still unwell so I still had to keep my distance, I just want to sit and give him hugs like a mother should - dam you cancer stealing another part of my role!
I enjoyed a bit of baking in my new oven before collecting Ava and taking her to her gymnastics class.
I was worn out totally by tea time.
Ava was back to school today and she was so excited to see all her friends and start year 1. I was really pleased to be able to take her and see all the school mums again. I have missed that regular adult contact and chat in the mornings and afternoons. I also enjoyed walking her there and back and getting back to some normal routine.
Finn was still unwell so I still had to keep my distance, I just want to sit and give him hugs like a mother should - dam you cancer stealing another part of my role!
I enjoyed a bit of baking in my new oven before collecting Ava and taking her to her gymnastics class.
I was worn out totally by tea time.
Sunday 4th September 2016
With Finn being sick I needed to stay well away from him. It's so hard to do when he cries for cuddles with me and all I want to do is comfort him Neil had slept with him in our room and I stayed on the sofa so that I was away from catching it.
It was an early start for me to make 31 sandwiches for Ava's birthday party. I have organised everything for Ava's party based on the fact that I was feeling at my best..........my sister in law pointed out that I was doing too much. She has been very honest with me and feels that after spending the week with me I am not resting enough and am forget that I have cancer and need to be resting and looking after myself.
I have had a lot of pain today and I have felt exhausted which I believe to some is evident in the way I look.
Ava had a fantastic princess themed party. We had hired a princess to do all the party games, balloon modelling, face painting, and tattoos.
She was very spoilt with lots of lovely presents from her friends.
once home I couldn't physically keep my eyes open and felt quite weak and drained. I spend all afternoon sleeping in bed.
Today someone was asking me about the side effects I have had with this chemotherapy, and it wasn't until I said them all I realised how I have a lot of small side effects that put together do sound a lot. My mouth remains sore with ulcers and cracks to the corners of my mouth. My hands and skin elsewhere is becoming very dry and cracked too.
With Finn being sick I needed to stay well away from him. It's so hard to do when he cries for cuddles with me and all I want to do is comfort him Neil had slept with him in our room and I stayed on the sofa so that I was away from catching it.
It was an early start for me to make 31 sandwiches for Ava's birthday party. I have organised everything for Ava's party based on the fact that I was feeling at my best..........my sister in law pointed out that I was doing too much. She has been very honest with me and feels that after spending the week with me I am not resting enough and am forget that I have cancer and need to be resting and looking after myself.
I have had a lot of pain today and I have felt exhausted which I believe to some is evident in the way I look.
Ava had a fantastic princess themed party. We had hired a princess to do all the party games, balloon modelling, face painting, and tattoos.
She was very spoilt with lots of lovely presents from her friends.
once home I couldn't physically keep my eyes open and felt quite weak and drained. I spend all afternoon sleeping in bed.
Today someone was asking me about the side effects I have had with this chemotherapy, and it wasn't until I said them all I realised how I have a lot of small side effects that put together do sound a lot. My mouth remains sore with ulcers and cracks to the corners of my mouth. My hands and skin elsewhere is becoming very dry and cracked too.
Saturday 3rd September 2016
I only managed 3 hours sleep last night. Finn was really unsettled and just waned someone in the room all night. We are doing some controlled crying but that wasn't even working very well last night. Later in the day he was sick so I wonder if that's what the problem was? Who knows as he can be a determined little boy at getting what he wants. I have no idea where he gets that from😳.
It was a usual busy Saturday for us. Ava had swimming, followed by an hour of competition dance practice, then an hour of tap and ballet, followed by street dance. Tommy joined her for street dance which was lovely.
I did too much today after so little sleep last night and ended up so so tired. Saturday's can be a really hard day for me to get Ava to everything she needs to be at but I love to watch her she has such determination to do well.
I only managed 3 hours sleep last night. Finn was really unsettled and just waned someone in the room all night. We are doing some controlled crying but that wasn't even working very well last night. Later in the day he was sick so I wonder if that's what the problem was? Who knows as he can be a determined little boy at getting what he wants. I have no idea where he gets that from😳.
It was a usual busy Saturday for us. Ava had swimming, followed by an hour of competition dance practice, then an hour of tap and ballet, followed by street dance. Tommy joined her for street dance which was lovely.
I did too much today after so little sleep last night and ended up so so tired. Saturday's can be a really hard day for me to get Ava to everything she needs to be at but I love to watch her she has such determination to do well.
Friday 2nd September 2016
Today was a good day. Finn was out to nursery and Ava went with Cat, Ed and Tommy to have fun in the snow at the chill factor.
Me and Neil went with his mum to get the results of her surgery at the Liverpool women's hospital. It was fantastic news, they managed to remove all the cancer during the operation and she does not need any further treatment. We were all very pleased and welcomed some good news.
I did have to have a sleep once home, yesterday had wiped it out of me a bit.
Today was a good day. Finn was out to nursery and Ava went with Cat, Ed and Tommy to have fun in the snow at the chill factor.
Me and Neil went with his mum to get the results of her surgery at the Liverpool women's hospital. It was fantastic news, they managed to remove all the cancer during the operation and she does not need any further treatment. We were all very pleased and welcomed some good news.
I did have to have a sleep once home, yesterday had wiped it out of me a bit.
Thursday 1st September 2016
I woke feeling quite tired after another sleepless night with Finn. He use to be amazing at sleeping but now he wakes several times and wants someone to sit in his room with him until he goes back to sleep. I have already learnt with Ava that this is never just a short term thing and is draining. I have found myself asleep on his floor which doesn't help my pain and recovery.
Although it is very controversial I believe in checking he is ok but then leaving the room and if he cries leaving him to get use to going to sleep on his own. I feel this is the right thing to do because once you step in the room he is perfectly calm and goes to sleep, but this is not sustainable.
Right now it is very hard for me to do anything like this and keep up a routine due to the unpredictable nature of how I am feeling.
Despite where I am in a cycle of chemotherapy the disease itself will make me feel in pain and exhausted some days more than others.
I am very good at seeking and accepting support immediately after chemotherapy as I can predict this but I find it harder at the other unpredictable times. This is something we frequently discuss during my counselling.
It is the same with my emotions. They are unpredictable so discussing them can be so hard, I often bottle these up until I find the right time with the right person...................this ends up being counselling more often than not.
By chance a couple of friends will phone me or text and can tell by my response how I really am. I am sometimes brave enough to answer their calls and let it out, but this takes a lot of courage.
Today I managed to take Finn to nursery and then join Ed, Cat, Tommy, Neil and Ava at Gullivers land. Ava has been begging all summer to go here and has always wanted to take Tommy to take him on the rides.
Normally she loves all rides and has no fear, but today she doesn't want to go on some rides and says it is because she is scared. When I ask further about this, it is scared of getting stuck on the ride or something banging into her. Later that night she actually has a nightmare about getting stuck on a ride. Her mind works overdrive for a child so young and I feel sad about this, I want to take away some of her worries and allow her to just enjoy being a child.
I am feeling a lot better than yesterday I can hardly believe the difference. Is it sheer determination to enable me to do something I know me and Ava want so bad? A day of fun and normality?
However although I feel better, it is not a day of normality. I rested a lot whilst they were on rides and took a lot of my pain killer and even an antisickness. I loved going on some rides with Ava and seeing her and Neil smiling.
By the end of the day I was exhausted, but it was worth it for all of us. I was lucky that I had Ed and Cat to see to the dinner and clear up after it.
By nighttime I was in a lot of pain, had really bad heartburn and felt sick with tiredness. I gave in and went to bed. With Finn and Ava both being unsettled again, Ed has agreed to tackle Finn overnight for me.p
I woke feeling quite tired after another sleepless night with Finn. He use to be amazing at sleeping but now he wakes several times and wants someone to sit in his room with him until he goes back to sleep. I have already learnt with Ava that this is never just a short term thing and is draining. I have found myself asleep on his floor which doesn't help my pain and recovery.
Although it is very controversial I believe in checking he is ok but then leaving the room and if he cries leaving him to get use to going to sleep on his own. I feel this is the right thing to do because once you step in the room he is perfectly calm and goes to sleep, but this is not sustainable.
Right now it is very hard for me to do anything like this and keep up a routine due to the unpredictable nature of how I am feeling.
Despite where I am in a cycle of chemotherapy the disease itself will make me feel in pain and exhausted some days more than others.
I am very good at seeking and accepting support immediately after chemotherapy as I can predict this but I find it harder at the other unpredictable times. This is something we frequently discuss during my counselling.
It is the same with my emotions. They are unpredictable so discussing them can be so hard, I often bottle these up until I find the right time with the right person...................this ends up being counselling more often than not.
By chance a couple of friends will phone me or text and can tell by my response how I really am. I am sometimes brave enough to answer their calls and let it out, but this takes a lot of courage.
Today I managed to take Finn to nursery and then join Ed, Cat, Tommy, Neil and Ava at Gullivers land. Ava has been begging all summer to go here and has always wanted to take Tommy to take him on the rides.
Normally she loves all rides and has no fear, but today she doesn't want to go on some rides and says it is because she is scared. When I ask further about this, it is scared of getting stuck on the ride or something banging into her. Later that night she actually has a nightmare about getting stuck on a ride. Her mind works overdrive for a child so young and I feel sad about this, I want to take away some of her worries and allow her to just enjoy being a child.
I am feeling a lot better than yesterday I can hardly believe the difference. Is it sheer determination to enable me to do something I know me and Ava want so bad? A day of fun and normality?
However although I feel better, it is not a day of normality. I rested a lot whilst they were on rides and took a lot of my pain killer and even an antisickness. I loved going on some rides with Ava and seeing her and Neil smiling.
By the end of the day I was exhausted, but it was worth it for all of us. I was lucky that I had Ed and Cat to see to the dinner and clear up after it.
By nighttime I was in a lot of pain, had really bad heartburn and felt sick with tiredness. I gave in and went to bed. With Finn and Ava both being unsettled again, Ed has agreed to tackle Finn overnight for me.p
Wednesday 31st August 2016
I haven't updated my blog in the last few days and that is due to feeling so unwell.
This cycle has left me in bed for the past 5 days unable to do much at all.
My whole body has ached, and I have been in so much pain that I have been constantly clock watching and taking my pain killers. I feel like every muscle and bone has been giving me pain like the feeling you get when you have flu but much worse - I would imagine if I got run over this is how I would feel.
I have felt extremely weak and tired and have slept every few hours. I am awake for maybe 1-2 hours at a time and in that time I can't really concentrate to do much.
Being a cancer nurse and knowing what the chemotherapy is doing to my body helps, I understand why I feel like I do and I don't panic., As I stand up and move around I can feel the pressure I am putting on my body as my heart rate goes right up. After a while of being up I feel so exhausted and like I am going to pass out, I have to get myself to lie down again. I can almost feel the effect the chemotherapy is having on attacking all my cells, especially my blood counts.
Today whilst the Children were out I got showered and dressed and went to Asda for a couple of things. I was so determined to get out for a bit to stop me going stir crazy.
I felt really panicked being out and was so glad that Neil insisted he came with me, I didn't feel safe to have driven and kept worrying I would hit the floor. Psychologically I think it helped to get out but I'm not really sure.
I have had some dark days this time around. I have cried a lot of tears in frustration. I know the chemotherapy has to do this to me to cure the disease but it has taken away 'me' and beginning to chip away at the fight I have within me.
My family have been truly amazing and the support I have got through messages has really helped me smile and keep going. I have watched the fundraising amount raise and with every donation it has reminded me what this is all for.
I hated my mum going home on Monday. Nothing is like the hug from your mum when your feeling unwell (other than my constant husband hugs). I know if I asked her to stay she would but it's not necessary right now and there are a lot of hurdles still to face when I will need her. Plus my Dad is home alone and has his needs with MS, the woman deserves a medal for all that she does.
It was made all a lot easier with my brother, sister in law and nephew coming to stay for the week. They have baked, cooked meals, shopped and most of all entertained the children daily by taking them out. It is crazy that through every cycle I need someone to look after me and then someone to look after the children too for up to a week!
Finnn continues to be really clingy to me and now does not want to go to sleep without someone in his room with him. I think we are all underestimating how much an 18 month old does pick up on the changes that are going on.
I have had some lovely times where he has just wanted to cuddle me on the bed - you can't beat this for making you feel better.
Ava has been amazing as always. She still begs me daily to come out with her on days out, but she seems to understand more that mummy isn't able to. She keeps saying sorry for hugging me too tight and hurting me, or sorry for asking me to do something which tires me out. No matter how much I try to hide these things she knows, I just keep telling her that she has no need to say sorry a hug with her is worth any bit of pain.
I love seeing her race in the door to come and tell me what she has been doing and give me big hugs. I am trying to push myself to be better for Thursday or Friday to enjoy a trip out with her.
We celebrate together that there are only two more chemo therapies to go!
Neil is tired and not been all that well himself. He has been left with me the past few days and also making sure that his mum is recovering well. He is pretty helpless in what he can do for me, simply being there is all the support I need right now.
I haven't updated my blog in the last few days and that is due to feeling so unwell.
This cycle has left me in bed for the past 5 days unable to do much at all.
My whole body has ached, and I have been in so much pain that I have been constantly clock watching and taking my pain killers. I feel like every muscle and bone has been giving me pain like the feeling you get when you have flu but much worse - I would imagine if I got run over this is how I would feel.
I have felt extremely weak and tired and have slept every few hours. I am awake for maybe 1-2 hours at a time and in that time I can't really concentrate to do much.
Being a cancer nurse and knowing what the chemotherapy is doing to my body helps, I understand why I feel like I do and I don't panic., As I stand up and move around I can feel the pressure I am putting on my body as my heart rate goes right up. After a while of being up I feel so exhausted and like I am going to pass out, I have to get myself to lie down again. I can almost feel the effect the chemotherapy is having on attacking all my cells, especially my blood counts.
Today whilst the Children were out I got showered and dressed and went to Asda for a couple of things. I was so determined to get out for a bit to stop me going stir crazy.
I felt really panicked being out and was so glad that Neil insisted he came with me, I didn't feel safe to have driven and kept worrying I would hit the floor. Psychologically I think it helped to get out but I'm not really sure.
I have had some dark days this time around. I have cried a lot of tears in frustration. I know the chemotherapy has to do this to me to cure the disease but it has taken away 'me' and beginning to chip away at the fight I have within me.
My family have been truly amazing and the support I have got through messages has really helped me smile and keep going. I have watched the fundraising amount raise and with every donation it has reminded me what this is all for.
I hated my mum going home on Monday. Nothing is like the hug from your mum when your feeling unwell (other than my constant husband hugs). I know if I asked her to stay she would but it's not necessary right now and there are a lot of hurdles still to face when I will need her. Plus my Dad is home alone and has his needs with MS, the woman deserves a medal for all that she does.
It was made all a lot easier with my brother, sister in law and nephew coming to stay for the week. They have baked, cooked meals, shopped and most of all entertained the children daily by taking them out. It is crazy that through every cycle I need someone to look after me and then someone to look after the children too for up to a week!
Finnn continues to be really clingy to me and now does not want to go to sleep without someone in his room with him. I think we are all underestimating how much an 18 month old does pick up on the changes that are going on.
I have had some lovely times where he has just wanted to cuddle me on the bed - you can't beat this for making you feel better.
Ava has been amazing as always. She still begs me daily to come out with her on days out, but she seems to understand more that mummy isn't able to. She keeps saying sorry for hugging me too tight and hurting me, or sorry for asking me to do something which tires me out. No matter how much I try to hide these things she knows, I just keep telling her that she has no need to say sorry a hug with her is worth any bit of pain.
I love seeing her race in the door to come and tell me what she has been doing and give me big hugs. I am trying to push myself to be better for Thursday or Friday to enjoy a trip out with her.
We celebrate together that there are only two more chemo therapies to go!
Neil is tired and not been all that well himself. He has been left with me the past few days and also making sure that his mum is recovering well. He is pretty helpless in what he can do for me, simply being there is all the support I need right now.
Friday 26th August - Cycle 5
Mum and I were up and put early to head to The Christie Hospital for my 5th cycle of chemotherapy.
Once again I received seemless, high quality care from everyone. I was incredibly proud with my mum being with me to witness how good it is. She commented a few times about how the professionalism and kindest of the staff, and the layout of the environment really puts you at ease during something that is quite daunting to go through.
I was lucky to have visits and see lots of colleagues whilst I was there.
As usual the cold cap was a bit tough, but I was fortunate that the complementary therapist gave me a foot massage during the. Cold cap, which relaxed me totally and made the headaches and the experience more bareable.
Having my mum (my best friend) with me was so comforting I don't think we stopped talking most of the way through but I felt so comfortable during the whole treatment.
I think Neil had a really challenging day with the children. Finn is very clingy at the moment, but also is having tantrums because he knows what he wants but cannot communicate this to us which is incredibly draining right now. Then you have Ava who hates mummy being poorly or at the hospital and is now getting very bored of not being at school. She struggles sometimes not to show her frustrations. Neither myself or Neil are getting much sleep and as our anxiety increases you can see it sometimes reflect in the childrens behaviour. It is such a difficult situation at times. But we are working as a team and making sure we talk through things the best we can.
I feel OK following this treatment so far, but I know from the past this is normal. As the night goes on the tiredness starts and I have the constant headache but it's not too bad.
Mum and I were up and put early to head to The Christie Hospital for my 5th cycle of chemotherapy.
Once again I received seemless, high quality care from everyone. I was incredibly proud with my mum being with me to witness how good it is. She commented a few times about how the professionalism and kindest of the staff, and the layout of the environment really puts you at ease during something that is quite daunting to go through.
I was lucky to have visits and see lots of colleagues whilst I was there.
As usual the cold cap was a bit tough, but I was fortunate that the complementary therapist gave me a foot massage during the. Cold cap, which relaxed me totally and made the headaches and the experience more bareable.
Having my mum (my best friend) with me was so comforting I don't think we stopped talking most of the way through but I felt so comfortable during the whole treatment.
I think Neil had a really challenging day with the children. Finn is very clingy at the moment, but also is having tantrums because he knows what he wants but cannot communicate this to us which is incredibly draining right now. Then you have Ava who hates mummy being poorly or at the hospital and is now getting very bored of not being at school. She struggles sometimes not to show her frustrations. Neither myself or Neil are getting much sleep and as our anxiety increases you can see it sometimes reflect in the childrens behaviour. It is such a difficult situation at times. But we are working as a team and making sure we talk through things the best we can.
I feel OK following this treatment so far, but I know from the past this is normal. As the night goes on the tiredness starts and I have the constant headache but it's not too bad.
Thursday 25th August 2016
Today I had my bloods taken ready for cycle 5 and review by the consultant. I absolutely love my consultants honesty, straight talking and humour - it's like he has very quickly worked out the type of person I am! I have always had a lot of respect for the breast team as a while but even more now since being on the receiving end of their care.
I was dreading being too honest about how the last chemotherapy had made me feel in particular the diarrhoea that I had. Purely because as a nurse I know that if the side effects are bad then the dose of chemotherapy they give gets reduced. As a nurse I know this is done for safety reasons to ensure the right balance is maintained but now I am the patient all I can think about is the effect the reduction might have on treating my cancer.
I am so so grateful to Dr Howell for taking the time to explain why he has to make this reduction and explain all the biology behind it as this massively reassured me. He explained the severe risk this may have on me and my bowels leading to admission and possible not managing to have any of the rest of the chemotherapy. My bowels may not have fully recovered from the last dose so the effect could be even bigger if we don't reduce the dose.
We also discussed that following surgery then radiotherapy I would be on a long regime of tamoxifen to ensure that I don't produce hormones that are at risk to my cancer returning - this I am totally happy with. It will be a constant reminder but there isn't much I wouldn't do to ensure I have the maximum life in me right now.
I had a visit to the ward which was lovely catching up with people. I was so proud to see a student I mentored 5 years ago and gave her, her first job now back as a sister on the ward!
I had had a nice evening out for a quick drink with a friend who kept me from thinking tomorrow about tomorrow and the week following.
I was about to moan on here and Facebook about not feeling positive about tomorrow's chemotherapy until I heard the news that someone my friend knows well died suddenly at a young age leaving his family. This puts what I am going through into perspective as I am still alive and have hope of plenty to come. My heart go out to all his family how on earth can anyone come to terms with this.
Today I had my bloods taken ready for cycle 5 and review by the consultant. I absolutely love my consultants honesty, straight talking and humour - it's like he has very quickly worked out the type of person I am! I have always had a lot of respect for the breast team as a while but even more now since being on the receiving end of their care.
I was dreading being too honest about how the last chemotherapy had made me feel in particular the diarrhoea that I had. Purely because as a nurse I know that if the side effects are bad then the dose of chemotherapy they give gets reduced. As a nurse I know this is done for safety reasons to ensure the right balance is maintained but now I am the patient all I can think about is the effect the reduction might have on treating my cancer.
I am so so grateful to Dr Howell for taking the time to explain why he has to make this reduction and explain all the biology behind it as this massively reassured me. He explained the severe risk this may have on me and my bowels leading to admission and possible not managing to have any of the rest of the chemotherapy. My bowels may not have fully recovered from the last dose so the effect could be even bigger if we don't reduce the dose.
We also discussed that following surgery then radiotherapy I would be on a long regime of tamoxifen to ensure that I don't produce hormones that are at risk to my cancer returning - this I am totally happy with. It will be a constant reminder but there isn't much I wouldn't do to ensure I have the maximum life in me right now.
I had a visit to the ward which was lovely catching up with people. I was so proud to see a student I mentored 5 years ago and gave her, her first job now back as a sister on the ward!
I had had a nice evening out for a quick drink with a friend who kept me from thinking tomorrow about tomorrow and the week following.
I was about to moan on here and Facebook about not feeling positive about tomorrow's chemotherapy until I heard the news that someone my friend knows well died suddenly at a young age leaving his family. This puts what I am going through into perspective as I am still alive and have hope of plenty to come. My heart go out to all his family how on earth can anyone come to terms with this.
Wednesday 24th August 2016
The pain has been well controlled the past few days so the worrying has taken a back step for a bit 😀.
It has also meant that I have been able to enjoy food and drink over a catch up with friends and some fun with the family.
Today we went to the Crocky trail which is an adventure trail with rope swings, bridges, slides, mud and water! We went with Karen and her two lads and had lots of fun getting muddy and very scared at times.
I felt good in myself so I was determined to do all the slides and bridges and was pleased to be able to do it all with the family. I was tired at the end but it was totally worth it for some fun before the next cycle of chemotherapy this week.
Me and Neil discussed how we would feel really happy watching the kids have fun and then, 'bang' feel guilty for having any fun and remember that cancer is still here and chemo is just around the corner and I will be wiped out for a few days.
The pain has been well controlled the past few days so the worrying has taken a back step for a bit 😀.
It has also meant that I have been able to enjoy food and drink over a catch up with friends and some fun with the family.
Today we went to the Crocky trail which is an adventure trail with rope swings, bridges, slides, mud and water! We went with Karen and her two lads and had lots of fun getting muddy and very scared at times.
I felt good in myself so I was determined to do all the slides and bridges and was pleased to be able to do it all with the family. I was tired at the end but it was totally worth it for some fun before the next cycle of chemotherapy this week.
Me and Neil discussed how we would feel really happy watching the kids have fun and then, 'bang' feel guilty for having any fun and remember that cancer is still here and chemo is just around the corner and I will be wiped out for a few days.
Fundraising for The Christie Hospital
I feel honoured that 4 people are doing fundraising events and raising money for The Christie Hospital after knowing what fantastic treatment I am receiving there.
One of my closest friends since secondary school, Jo Aplin is running a half marathon in October. She has been there every step of the way with me and Neil since the moment I found the lump. I will never be able to thank her enough for the truly amazing support and friendship that she has shown me in the last few months. Although she loves to run I know that events like this are not something she is all that comfortable with. So please dig deep for any of these friends to support them.
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Joanne-Aplin4?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=fundraisingpage&utm_content=Joanne-Aplin4&utm_campaign=pfp-share
Two friends that I haven't seen for a while have chosen The Christie for their charity for the Bournemouth Marathon in October. I really hope that I will be able to catch up with them and buy them a beer to say thanks for doing this. I take my hat off to them for putting in hours of training to do this event and raising money at the same time.
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Adam-Rouse293?utm_source=facebook
Last but not least a friend who I have met through Ava starting school, Kimberly Wheeler.
Our girls are pretty joint at the hip at times and we have developed a good friendship. So again I am so thankful that Kim has chosen The Christie for her charity for running in the great north run in September. She is an inspiration to me especially as Ava wants me to look like her!
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Kimberley-Wheeler?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=updates&utm_content=Kimberley-Wheeler&utm_campaign=updates-facebook
I feel honoured that 4 people are doing fundraising events and raising money for The Christie Hospital after knowing what fantastic treatment I am receiving there.
One of my closest friends since secondary school, Jo Aplin is running a half marathon in October. She has been there every step of the way with me and Neil since the moment I found the lump. I will never be able to thank her enough for the truly amazing support and friendship that she has shown me in the last few months. Although she loves to run I know that events like this are not something she is all that comfortable with. So please dig deep for any of these friends to support them.
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Joanne-Aplin4?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=fundraisingpage&utm_content=Joanne-Aplin4&utm_campaign=pfp-share
Two friends that I haven't seen for a while have chosen The Christie for their charity for the Bournemouth Marathon in October. I really hope that I will be able to catch up with them and buy them a beer to say thanks for doing this. I take my hat off to them for putting in hours of training to do this event and raising money at the same time.
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Adam-Rouse293?utm_source=facebook
Last but not least a friend who I have met through Ava starting school, Kimberly Wheeler.
Our girls are pretty joint at the hip at times and we have developed a good friendship. So again I am so thankful that Kim has chosen The Christie for her charity for running in the great north run in September. She is an inspiration to me especially as Ava wants me to look like her!
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Kimberley-Wheeler?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=updates&utm_content=Kimberley-Wheeler&utm_campaign=updates-facebook
Sunday 22nd August
The pain in my shoulder and arm has come back and I don't understand why. But it worries me.
I thought the pain was getting better with the medications, but also as the cancer in my nodes is shrinking. So what if it isn't shrinking or it's getting bigger.
I will mention it when I see the team this week and ask when they plan to do another scan.
Ava had a play date at her friends from school so I got to spend some time with Finn which was nice.
I managed to get some tidying and organising done in the house and felt a lot better for it. With it being chemotherapy this week I have been trying to make sure all the washing and everything is in order for me spending a week on bed😁
The pain in my shoulder and arm has come back and I don't understand why. But it worries me.
I thought the pain was getting better with the medications, but also as the cancer in my nodes is shrinking. So what if it isn't shrinking or it's getting bigger.
I will mention it when I see the team this week and ask when they plan to do another scan.
Ava had a play date at her friends from school so I got to spend some time with Finn which was nice.
I managed to get some tidying and organising done in the house and felt a lot better for it. With it being chemotherapy this week I have been trying to make sure all the washing and everything is in order for me spending a week on bed😁
Friday 19th August 2016
Barbara is doing great following her operation, we are just trying to stop her doing any bending or carrying and getting her to rest.
We have shared tears and anxieties this week about living with cancer and helped to pick each other up.
We we had some friends over for dinner and drinks this evening. We played a few games and had a good laugh and that's just what we all needed.
Barbara is doing great following her operation, we are just trying to stop her doing any bending or carrying and getting her to rest.
We have shared tears and anxieties this week about living with cancer and helped to pick each other up.
We we had some friends over for dinner and drinks this evening. We played a few games and had a good laugh and that's just what we all needed.
Thursday 18th August 2016
Ava had her friend over to play so it was all dressing up, make up videos, dancing and the paddling pool. Finn spent most of the time following them around trying to join in or shouting "more" at the fridge for more food.
Two days ago I had trip up the stairs and I went over on my ankle, it's really painful to put weight on or walk. I decided to get it checked out at the local walk in centre and it appears I may have done some damage to the tendon. I have a support bandage to wear and advised to rest up with it and apply ice to reduce the swelling. It's just as well that the olympics is on at the moment to help me to rest.
I have been having a wobble today. One of those days where I look at my children and worry about whether I will see them grow up. I have no idea why this has been thrown up today.
I just want to hold them and never let them go, there's not much I wouldn't do right now to ensure I get a cure.
Ava had her friend over to play so it was all dressing up, make up videos, dancing and the paddling pool. Finn spent most of the time following them around trying to join in or shouting "more" at the fridge for more food.
Two days ago I had trip up the stairs and I went over on my ankle, it's really painful to put weight on or walk. I decided to get it checked out at the local walk in centre and it appears I may have done some damage to the tendon. I have a support bandage to wear and advised to rest up with it and apply ice to reduce the swelling. It's just as well that the olympics is on at the moment to help me to rest.
I have been having a wobble today. One of those days where I look at my children and worry about whether I will see them grow up. I have no idea why this has been thrown up today.
I just want to hold them and never let them go, there's not much I wouldn't do right now to ensure I get a cure.
Wednesday 17th August 2016
Today we brought Barbara back from hospital to stay at ours for some time to look after her, she is looking really well and you wouldn't know that she had had a big operation. Ava now believes that all her cancer is gone so let's hope she is right.
During the night I had been up for two hours with diarrhoea and stomach cramps and again more this morning. I decided it was best to phone the hotline for advice on whether I can just keep on taking the loperamide. I took their advice and saw my GP who prescribed a course of antibiotics to be on the safe side and for me to send a sample off when I next have a loose stool. This I am use to doing but from a bed pan with gloves..........not quite as easy at home!
Today we brought Barbara back from hospital to stay at ours for some time to look after her, she is looking really well and you wouldn't know that she had had a big operation. Ava now believes that all her cancer is gone so let's hope she is right.
During the night I had been up for two hours with diarrhoea and stomach cramps and again more this morning. I decided it was best to phone the hotline for advice on whether I can just keep on taking the loperamide. I took their advice and saw my GP who prescribed a course of antibiotics to be on the safe side and for me to send a sample off when I next have a loose stool. This I am use to doing but from a bed pan with gloves..........not quite as easy at home!
Tuesday 16th August 2016
Ava was off to a trampolining summer club at the leisure centre for the morning and Finn was at nursery. I am finding it much harder to leave them for things like this at the moment especially as Finn gets so upset right now. I just want to be with them protecting them all the time. I think this is exactly how Neil feels about us all and what was making work that extra bit harder.
Neil had an early start taking his mum to the Liverpool women's hospital for her surgery. I hadn't written on here up until now but just a couple of weeks ago she was diagnosed with cancer as well. It was another bombshell to us all and rocked Neil's world even more. To have your mum and your wife being treated for cancer cannot be easy. He is doing a good job of deciding his time between us both and the children too.
I am frustrated that I cannot care for her as much as I would like to do. I would like to be able to return the favours she has done for me in the past but I will just do what I can between my treatments.
I was pleased that I was able to go and visit her in hospital after the operation. Everything went according to plan and she looked really well.
Once home I got hooked onto the cycling in the olympics whilst Neil was out at band.
Ava was off to a trampolining summer club at the leisure centre for the morning and Finn was at nursery. I am finding it much harder to leave them for things like this at the moment especially as Finn gets so upset right now. I just want to be with them protecting them all the time. I think this is exactly how Neil feels about us all and what was making work that extra bit harder.
Neil had an early start taking his mum to the Liverpool women's hospital for her surgery. I hadn't written on here up until now but just a couple of weeks ago she was diagnosed with cancer as well. It was another bombshell to us all and rocked Neil's world even more. To have your mum and your wife being treated for cancer cannot be easy. He is doing a good job of deciding his time between us both and the children too.
I am frustrated that I cannot care for her as much as I would like to do. I would like to be able to return the favours she has done for me in the past but I will just do what I can between my treatments.
I was pleased that I was able to go and visit her in hospital after the operation. Everything went according to plan and she looked really well.
Once home I got hooked onto the cycling in the olympics whilst Neil was out at band.
Monday 15th August 2016
After another night of diarrhoea I decided to try and not eat anything to see if it helped to settle things and it did🙂.
I had an appointment with my counsellor and it was a tough session but worth it. I can sail through life as if nothing is going on and then I open the flood gates during this session.
From someone who has always suffered with anxiety it is hard for me to stop myself worrying about everyone else, I also have such high expectations for myself that I don't allow myself to deal with my emotions.
I always know when things are getting tough for me because I start to struggle to make decisions about things. I over analyse and make decisions based on what I think everyone else thinks I should do- it's exhausting! It's so helpful to have these sessions where a professional can remind me that now is the time to do what I want or need to do.
I would share some of my worries on here but the list would be endless!
Ava had a great day playing with one of her best friends from school and was oblivious that mummy went to hospital. It gave me an opportunity to go and get all her birthday presents and wrap and hide them away. It's not for a few weeks but I want to have it ready in case I am unwell.
Neil and Finn had a nice day chilling at home.
After another night of diarrhoea I decided to try and not eat anything to see if it helped to settle things and it did🙂.
I had an appointment with my counsellor and it was a tough session but worth it. I can sail through life as if nothing is going on and then I open the flood gates during this session.
From someone who has always suffered with anxiety it is hard for me to stop myself worrying about everyone else, I also have such high expectations for myself that I don't allow myself to deal with my emotions.
I always know when things are getting tough for me because I start to struggle to make decisions about things. I over analyse and make decisions based on what I think everyone else thinks I should do- it's exhausting! It's so helpful to have these sessions where a professional can remind me that now is the time to do what I want or need to do.
I would share some of my worries on here but the list would be endless!
Ava had a great day playing with one of her best friends from school and was oblivious that mummy went to hospital. It gave me an opportunity to go and get all her birthday presents and wrap and hide them away. It's not for a few weeks but I want to have it ready in case I am unwell.
Neil and Finn had a nice day chilling at home.
Sunday 14th August 2016 - 10 days of feeling rough, 10 days until the next one!
So it's now 10 days of feeling rough from my chemotherapy and only 10 days until I have to have my next one. This is where the amount of 'bad' days are taking over the amount of 'good' days. The frustration is starting to kick in just a bit as I feel cancer has the advantage right now.
I am struggling to update this blog as frequently and that is mainly due to feeling more unwell and not having the energy to do it.
Since my last update I have struggled with a sore mouth and throat, diarrhoea, muscle and bone pains, and fatigue. I have kept myself rested and dosed up and made sure I am regularly checking my temperature like a good patient.
I have been dependant on my family to look after the children for the majority of the time, but I have pushed myself to spend some fun time with them in the garden.
Since Friday lunchtime I have had the worst diarrhoea I have ever experienced, without wanting to go into to much information it has been literally pouring out of me. I have been taking the maximum dose of loperamide and cocodamol but with no improvement.
Friday morning Jo had cheered me up by doing my hair.
I have been advised not to colour or treat the hair whilst having chemotherapy due to increasing the risk of hair loss. Maybe I am feeling over confident because I still have my hair or maybe I just wanted to rebel against cancer but I I insisted Jo coloured it for me to get rid of my roots. I know this will probably make some people angry that I am going against advice but I am keeping my hair for my pride and appearance and I cannot stand having roots, if it all falls out tomorrow it's my own fault but I will be happy.
Friday evening I had said an emotional goodbye to Dad, and mum took us all home to Warrington. I will miss all my family and friends that have done so much for me over this past week, I hate being so far away from them at a time like this but it was so nice to be back with Neil, we had all missed him a lot. He has been looking after me so well that I don't like to be far away from him these days.
Saturday mum looked after the kids whilst we headed across to Buxton for Cara and Gareth's wedding. I was so determined I would make this wedding as it was something we had been looking forward to long before cancer came on the scene!
It was a gorgeous ceremony and reception, and the happy couple looked lovely!
I couldn't resist the meal it was gorgeous - unfortunately I did pay the price.
I was intent on having fun and not let cancer stand in my way so it was worth pushing myself. Most people know I love a good dance, but just one (over energetic) dance to Mr Brightside left me tired and short of breath.
Today I spent resting between bouts of diarrhoea and doing simple things with the kids at home. Finn is just funnier by the day as his character grows and Ava is being so incredibly brave and grown up right now, I couldn't be prouder of her.
She is so well behaved, sympathetic and helpful and gives me so much love and hugs just when I need them. Me and Neil always say that it is the kids that are pulling us through all this with smiles.
After 10 days with mum I had to say goodbye to her so she could get back to Dad and work, it was another emotional one but glad she is here for my next two cycles.
So it's now 10 days of feeling rough from my chemotherapy and only 10 days until I have to have my next one. This is where the amount of 'bad' days are taking over the amount of 'good' days. The frustration is starting to kick in just a bit as I feel cancer has the advantage right now.
I am struggling to update this blog as frequently and that is mainly due to feeling more unwell and not having the energy to do it.
Since my last update I have struggled with a sore mouth and throat, diarrhoea, muscle and bone pains, and fatigue. I have kept myself rested and dosed up and made sure I am regularly checking my temperature like a good patient.
I have been dependant on my family to look after the children for the majority of the time, but I have pushed myself to spend some fun time with them in the garden.
Since Friday lunchtime I have had the worst diarrhoea I have ever experienced, without wanting to go into to much information it has been literally pouring out of me. I have been taking the maximum dose of loperamide and cocodamol but with no improvement.
Friday morning Jo had cheered me up by doing my hair.
I have been advised not to colour or treat the hair whilst having chemotherapy due to increasing the risk of hair loss. Maybe I am feeling over confident because I still have my hair or maybe I just wanted to rebel against cancer but I I insisted Jo coloured it for me to get rid of my roots. I know this will probably make some people angry that I am going against advice but I am keeping my hair for my pride and appearance and I cannot stand having roots, if it all falls out tomorrow it's my own fault but I will be happy.
Friday evening I had said an emotional goodbye to Dad, and mum took us all home to Warrington. I will miss all my family and friends that have done so much for me over this past week, I hate being so far away from them at a time like this but it was so nice to be back with Neil, we had all missed him a lot. He has been looking after me so well that I don't like to be far away from him these days.
Saturday mum looked after the kids whilst we headed across to Buxton for Cara and Gareth's wedding. I was so determined I would make this wedding as it was something we had been looking forward to long before cancer came on the scene!
It was a gorgeous ceremony and reception, and the happy couple looked lovely!
I couldn't resist the meal it was gorgeous - unfortunately I did pay the price.
I was intent on having fun and not let cancer stand in my way so it was worth pushing myself. Most people know I love a good dance, but just one (over energetic) dance to Mr Brightside left me tired and short of breath.
Today I spent resting between bouts of diarrhoea and doing simple things with the kids at home. Finn is just funnier by the day as his character grows and Ava is being so incredibly brave and grown up right now, I couldn't be prouder of her.
She is so well behaved, sympathetic and helpful and gives me so much love and hugs just when I need them. Me and Neil always say that it is the kids that are pulling us through all this with smiles.
After 10 days with mum I had to say goodbye to her so she could get back to Dad and work, it was another emotional one but glad she is here for my next two cycles.
Wednesday 10th August 2016
😄 I woke feeling a bit better today.
Getting showered and dressed was exhausting but at least I felt like getting dressed.
Mum and Dad took us out to a gorgeous cafe by the Thames to have some lunch. It was a gorgeous day and so lovely to sit out in the fresh air with them and the children.
After a bit of a rest I had a visit from friends and their children. We sat in the garden catching up whilst the children played.
One of my friends has been through what I am going through and sadly is still having to deal with the effects of cancer on a loved one. It's so nice to speak to her knowing she shares the same feelings of guilt, anger, frustration etc. Not fair though that either of us are going through things like this.
It was lovely to feel a bit better. By the evening the pain was so bad and so I went to bed and gave in watching the olympics.
😄 I woke feeling a bit better today.
Getting showered and dressed was exhausting but at least I felt like getting dressed.
Mum and Dad took us out to a gorgeous cafe by the Thames to have some lunch. It was a gorgeous day and so lovely to sit out in the fresh air with them and the children.
After a bit of a rest I had a visit from friends and their children. We sat in the garden catching up whilst the children played.
One of my friends has been through what I am going through and sadly is still having to deal with the effects of cancer on a loved one. It's so nice to speak to her knowing she shares the same feelings of guilt, anger, frustration etc. Not fair though that either of us are going through things like this.
It was lovely to feel a bit better. By the evening the pain was so bad and so I went to bed and gave in watching the olympics.
Tuesday 9th August 2016
I tried to get up and do a bit more today but I just kept feeling very light headed and coming out in a cold sweat thinking I was going to pass out.
I literally spent another day sleeping and hardly moving.
The pain was still constant throughout my body, I'm so glad I was prepared and have a lot of pain killers and heat packs.
By the afternoon I decided to try and get some fresh air and walk to the local shop. I felt like I was getting cabin fever staying in doors. We walked so slow and I was actually a bit panicked feeling being out of the house. But Ava loved the fact that I managed to walk to the shop and we both had a slush drink. It was worth it to see her smile.
It did floor me and I was right back to lying on the sofa but I was pleased that I did it.
Ava has been begging me everyday to get dressed and come out with her. She has been in tears saying she doesn't want me to lie down anymore. She has been having lots of fun doing things with the family but wants me to be joining in.
I haven't been able to even have the children around me much due to feeling so awful.
The other night my mum was putting Ava to bed and said to her "I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow so that I could stay and play with you". Ava replied with "well I wish my mummy didn't have cancer". 😢
I tried to get up and do a bit more today but I just kept feeling very light headed and coming out in a cold sweat thinking I was going to pass out.
I literally spent another day sleeping and hardly moving.
The pain was still constant throughout my body, I'm so glad I was prepared and have a lot of pain killers and heat packs.
By the afternoon I decided to try and get some fresh air and walk to the local shop. I felt like I was getting cabin fever staying in doors. We walked so slow and I was actually a bit panicked feeling being out of the house. But Ava loved the fact that I managed to walk to the shop and we both had a slush drink. It was worth it to see her smile.
It did floor me and I was right back to lying on the sofa but I was pleased that I did it.
Ava has been begging me everyday to get dressed and come out with her. She has been in tears saying she doesn't want me to lie down anymore. She has been having lots of fun doing things with the family but wants me to be joining in.
I haven't been able to even have the children around me much due to feeling so awful.
The other night my mum was putting Ava to bed and said to her "I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow so that I could stay and play with you". Ava replied with "well I wish my mummy didn't have cancer". 😢
Monday 8th August 2016
😖😖😖😖😫😫😫😫😫😫😭😭😭😭😭😭 is about all I can describe how I feel.
The past 3 days have been sleeping and not moving.
Every inch of my body aches and my skin seems so sensitive. Since stopping the steroids yesterday the pain seems to be getting stronger despite regular pain killers as advised - I was warned of this.
As dramatic as it sounds I have felt so weak that it's felt an effort just to lie and breathe. My head is too heavy for my body, I'm hot then cold.
As I lie and start to nod off to sleep I feel like the room spins and like my head is doing somersaults.
Its probably the worst I have ever felt and the total lack of strength and pain almost panics me. I have no choice but to just lie and give in.
Once again so grateful to my family and friends who are now caring for me and the kids.
😖😖😖😖😫😫😫😫😫😫😭😭😭😭😭😭 is about all I can describe how I feel.
The past 3 days have been sleeping and not moving.
Every inch of my body aches and my skin seems so sensitive. Since stopping the steroids yesterday the pain seems to be getting stronger despite regular pain killers as advised - I was warned of this.
As dramatic as it sounds I have felt so weak that it's felt an effort just to lie and breathe. My head is too heavy for my body, I'm hot then cold.
As I lie and start to nod off to sleep I feel like the room spins and like my head is doing somersaults.
Its probably the worst I have ever felt and the total lack of strength and pain almost panics me. I have no choice but to just lie and give in.
Once again so grateful to my family and friends who are now caring for me and the kids.
Friday 5th August 2016
Neil got up with the children and got them dropped off to childcare whilst my friend Karen came with me early to take my for day two of chemotherapy.
Ava had a play date with a friend from school so was excited about that and wasn't really aware I was in hospital and Finn was in nursery.
Neil then had the job of trying to pick up all the medications and sorting stuff at home. He was picking me up form the hospital to take me and the children down to Oxford.
Organising childcare and someone to be with me can be a fine art but I am so grateful to so many people's support. It was nice to have a gossip and catch up with Karen it helped pass the time.
Today I had my first Herceptin and docetaxel. The rates of reacting to Herceptin can be high so you have to stay for 6 hours for monitoring once you have had it.
I just had to wear the cold cap for the docetaxel chemotherapy which was about 2 hours in total. The cap was tough but made so much easier by the complementary therapy team giving me a foot and leg massage.
I was able to lie on the bed listening to my chill out album and loose myself in the most relaxing massage and I fell asleep.
It was nice to mix with some other patients today and hear their stories, so many positive brave people and again fantastic care and compassion from everyone that treated me.
The headaches and tiredness kicked in on my way down to Oxford, I covered my head in the back of the car and tried to rest. It was nice to get to mum and dads where we can all have some tlc.
Neil got up with the children and got them dropped off to childcare whilst my friend Karen came with me early to take my for day two of chemotherapy.
Ava had a play date with a friend from school so was excited about that and wasn't really aware I was in hospital and Finn was in nursery.
Neil then had the job of trying to pick up all the medications and sorting stuff at home. He was picking me up form the hospital to take me and the children down to Oxford.
Organising childcare and someone to be with me can be a fine art but I am so grateful to so many people's support. It was nice to have a gossip and catch up with Karen it helped pass the time.
Today I had my first Herceptin and docetaxel. The rates of reacting to Herceptin can be high so you have to stay for 6 hours for monitoring once you have had it.
I just had to wear the cold cap for the docetaxel chemotherapy which was about 2 hours in total. The cap was tough but made so much easier by the complementary therapy team giving me a foot and leg massage.
I was able to lie on the bed listening to my chill out album and loose myself in the most relaxing massage and I fell asleep.
It was nice to mix with some other patients today and hear their stories, so many positive brave people and again fantastic care and compassion from everyone that treated me.
The headaches and tiredness kicked in on my way down to Oxford, I covered my head in the back of the car and tried to rest. It was nice to get to mum and dads where we can all have some tlc.
Thursday 4th August 2016
The kids were both dropped off at 7 so we could get to the hospital for my bloods to be taken and the first cycle of my new chemotherapy Petuzumab.
We knew today would be a long day because this drug cannot be made until the results of my bloods have been reviewed by the consultants. Once this has been done and checked there is a lot of work done behind the scenes by the chemotherapy nurses and pharmacists to get the chemotherapy taken "off hold" and made up for me. Due to the life of the drugs, the expense and that they are person specific this can only be done once all checks are done to ensure I will have the treatment and it won't get wasted.
Neil and I were so exhausted from being up with the children in the night and then an early start we took full advantage of the gorgeous Maggie's centre at The Christie site.
From the moment you walk in the place you feel like the staff and the environment wraps their arms around you and you relax into the atmosphere. There is as much or as little for you once there. We literally sat and had a sleep in between homemade cake and cups of tea.
This is just a godsend away from the clinical busy hospital. Once the unit was ready for me to have my treatment they called me and I went up.
The new treatment took about an hour to have and we off home by about 4.30 to get the children. Because the treatment today is not actually a chemotherapy as such I didn't have to wear the cold cap which was such a relief.
Once home I was a bit tired but managed to get packed ready for spending a week down with mum and dad after chemotherapy tomorrow.
The kids were both dropped off at 7 so we could get to the hospital for my bloods to be taken and the first cycle of my new chemotherapy Petuzumab.
We knew today would be a long day because this drug cannot be made until the results of my bloods have been reviewed by the consultants. Once this has been done and checked there is a lot of work done behind the scenes by the chemotherapy nurses and pharmacists to get the chemotherapy taken "off hold" and made up for me. Due to the life of the drugs, the expense and that they are person specific this can only be done once all checks are done to ensure I will have the treatment and it won't get wasted.
Neil and I were so exhausted from being up with the children in the night and then an early start we took full advantage of the gorgeous Maggie's centre at The Christie site.
From the moment you walk in the place you feel like the staff and the environment wraps their arms around you and you relax into the atmosphere. There is as much or as little for you once there. We literally sat and had a sleep in between homemade cake and cups of tea.
This is just a godsend away from the clinical busy hospital. Once the unit was ready for me to have my treatment they called me and I went up.
The new treatment took about an hour to have and we off home by about 4.30 to get the children. Because the treatment today is not actually a chemotherapy as such I didn't have to wear the cold cap which was such a relief.
Once home I was a bit tired but managed to get packed ready for spending a week down with mum and dad after chemotherapy tomorrow.
Tuesday 2nd August 2016
Ava had one of her friends from school to play today and it took me back years watching them play all the games me and my friends use to play. I think they changed outfits at least 10 times!
I left neil in charge for a couple of hours and went to the Maggies centre to attend 'look good feel better'. It's an organisation that covers all of the U.K. where volunteers offer make up advice and pampering for cancer patients and you walk away with an amazing bag of goodies.
They gave advice on how to maximise the use of make up to help with the side effects of cancer and its treatments. I found this really useful and the ladies were so sympathetic and very helpful.
Ava had one of her friends from school to play today and it took me back years watching them play all the games me and my friends use to play. I think they changed outfits at least 10 times!
I left neil in charge for a couple of hours and went to the Maggies centre to attend 'look good feel better'. It's an organisation that covers all of the U.K. where volunteers offer make up advice and pampering for cancer patients and you walk away with an amazing bag of goodies.
They gave advice on how to maximise the use of make up to help with the side effects of cancer and its treatments. I found this really useful and the ladies were so sympathetic and very helpful.
Monday 1st August 2016
Today I was so tired all day - burning the candle at both ends has most definitely caught up with me.
My pain has been so well controlled lately but today it is painful, I guess that's to be expected when I have been busier than normal.
I enjoyed tea and cake with the girls before one of the, gets married next week.
Today I was so tired all day - burning the candle at both ends has most definitely caught up with me.
My pain has been so well controlled lately but today it is painful, I guess that's to be expected when I have been busier than normal.
I enjoyed tea and cake with the girls before one of the, gets married next week.
Sunday 31st July 2016
Today I went to a few peoples leaving do from work. We enjoyed a gorgeous Sunday lunch and some drinks in Manchester. I will be so sad to see them go, they have all been a great support to me at work and become good friends. I also remembered how much I miss the crazy bunch from work!
Today I went to a few peoples leaving do from work. We enjoyed a gorgeous Sunday lunch and some drinks in Manchester. I will be so sad to see them go, they have all been a great support to me at work and become good friends. I also remembered how much I miss the crazy bunch from work!
Saturday 30th July 2016 - "moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips!"
Driving home yesterday was like driving back to the reality of cancer - it seems to hit me with a bang!
I was so pleased that we had a friends BBQ to go to to cheer us up after a good few days away.
One of the things I have noticed recently is how disgusting I feel by putting on so much weight. I cannot really blame the cancer for this one. Apart from the fact that it's making me want to just eat what I feel like instead of what's less in calories and I never seem to feel well enough to get back on the treadmill and do some walking or running. I seem to have had a lingering cold between each cycle of chemotherapy.
I know people keep telling me it's not a prioiprity now but it's making me feel disgusting, I need to start taking care better and loosing some weight. It is just so hard when I feel fed up or hard done by, chocolate, cake and crisps does cheer me up.
Driving home yesterday was like driving back to the reality of cancer - it seems to hit me with a bang!
I was so pleased that we had a friends BBQ to go to to cheer us up after a good few days away.
One of the things I have noticed recently is how disgusting I feel by putting on so much weight. I cannot really blame the cancer for this one. Apart from the fact that it's making me want to just eat what I feel like instead of what's less in calories and I never seem to feel well enough to get back on the treadmill and do some walking or running. I seem to have had a lingering cold between each cycle of chemotherapy.
I know people keep telling me it's not a prioiprity now but it's making me feel disgusting, I need to start taking care better and loosing some weight. It is just so hard when I feel fed up or hard done by, chocolate, cake and crisps does cheer me up.
Tuesday 26th July - Friday 29th July 2016 - "My little piece of heaven"
When we were offered a friends lodge at Greenacres, Porthmadog she described it as her 'little piece of heaven'.
After staying there this week I can confirm that it is just that!
It is situated right at the back of the site next to the beach. When siting in the lounge area or veranda you can see the beautiful hills and sand dunes and hear the sea - it's perfect.
Although we did quite a bit during our stay it was so relaxing too. We lost ourselves in a world with no cancer. We didn't talk about it and no body there knew I had it.
We had fun as a family playing on the beach and in the sea, swimming in the pool and being big kids in the splash area. We played in the arcades and visited the local town, and at night we enjoyed the typical 'Haven holidays' entertainment. We did what we wanted when we wanted.
Although I am still finding I seem more tired than normal the chilled out atmosphere seemed to eliminate this.
The smiles on Ava and Finn's faces and mine and Neil's was just perfect.
I will never be able to thank the person enough for their kindness in lending us their lodge, I will never be able to fully express the massive psychological impact that I feel this has had for me and my family at a tough time.
When we were offered a friends lodge at Greenacres, Porthmadog she described it as her 'little piece of heaven'.
After staying there this week I can confirm that it is just that!
It is situated right at the back of the site next to the beach. When siting in the lounge area or veranda you can see the beautiful hills and sand dunes and hear the sea - it's perfect.
Although we did quite a bit during our stay it was so relaxing too. We lost ourselves in a world with no cancer. We didn't talk about it and no body there knew I had it.
We had fun as a family playing on the beach and in the sea, swimming in the pool and being big kids in the splash area. We played in the arcades and visited the local town, and at night we enjoyed the typical 'Haven holidays' entertainment. We did what we wanted when we wanted.
Although I am still finding I seem more tired than normal the chilled out atmosphere seemed to eliminate this.
The smiles on Ava and Finn's faces and mine and Neil's was just perfect.
I will never be able to thank the person enough for their kindness in lending us their lodge, I will never be able to fully express the massive psychological impact that I feel this has had for me and my family at a tough time.
Monday 25th July 2016
So my cold has taken over 😷😬 I am not use to colds, so much snot and coughing it's so inconvenient.
Mum and Dad took the kids out to Southport for the day so that I could rest and pack for a few days away.
We had some tea out altogether before Mum and Dad set off home. We were all sad to see them leave and Ava thinks they need to buy a house and move up here. I am so comforted when they are around and Mum is like a little angel she never stops! I am very lucky to say that my parents are my heroes and my best friends.
It hurts me to see the pain that cancer is bringing them. Never in a million years did I expect this at my age but I bet even less so for them. You don't expect to see your children go through it and I can see that there is nothing they wouldn't do to take it all away. But we are an incredibly close family that will not let this get us down. We are fighters and that's what we will do. If there is anything that will reduce me to tears it is the pain that I know it causes to them, and I know that this blog is very hard for them to read being so far away.
So my cold has taken over 😷😬 I am not use to colds, so much snot and coughing it's so inconvenient.
Mum and Dad took the kids out to Southport for the day so that I could rest and pack for a few days away.
We had some tea out altogether before Mum and Dad set off home. We were all sad to see them leave and Ava thinks they need to buy a house and move up here. I am so comforted when they are around and Mum is like a little angel she never stops! I am very lucky to say that my parents are my heroes and my best friends.
It hurts me to see the pain that cancer is bringing them. Never in a million years did I expect this at my age but I bet even less so for them. You don't expect to see your children go through it and I can see that there is nothing they wouldn't do to take it all away. But we are an incredibly close family that will not let this get us down. We are fighters and that's what we will do. If there is anything that will reduce me to tears it is the pain that I know it causes to them, and I know that this blog is very hard for them to read being so far away.
Sunday 24th July 2016
Me, Mum, Dad, Ava and Finn went to Ulverston on the Lake District to visit close family friends. This is one of my favourite places, a place I have such fond memories of.
My Dad was originally from there and my mum had family there too, so we use to spend a lot of our school holidays up here.
The children all had a great day playing whilst we had a girlie catch up. We had a walk down the canal where there was a gala on. It's so beautiful all around, I will definitely plan a longer trip here when all my treatment is over and we can enjoy some walks.
Me, Mum, Dad, Ava and Finn went to Ulverston on the Lake District to visit close family friends. This is one of my favourite places, a place I have such fond memories of.
My Dad was originally from there and my mum had family there too, so we use to spend a lot of our school holidays up here.
The children all had a great day playing whilst we had a girlie catch up. We had a walk down the canal where there was a gala on. It's so beautiful all around, I will definitely plan a longer trip here when all my treatment is over and we can enjoy some walks.
Saturday 23rd July
I woke suffering the after affects of going out last night, nausea, diarrhoea, aching and tiredness - but it was worth it.
I couldn't stay off the toilet so I admitted my rebellious ways to a retired Christie hotline friend, she put me straight onto the advice I needed to prevent me needing to go into hospital. I was also grateful that she didn't tell me off!
I often wonder what people think when they see photos of me out enjoying myself. Especially when I am off sick from work, does it make people angry that I can manage to go out but not to work? I'm not sure if that's something that would have previously annoyed me or not. What I do know now though is that psychologically and physically I would struggle to face work it's not an environment where you can ignore cancer, I would be constantly confronted with my fears. I also guess it's the worst environment to pick up an infection in.
I can say though that I do pay the price for a day/night out, often getting very tired and achy.
As I have said before sometimes it's worth the physically pain to treat the psychological pain.
Having my mum and dad up this weekend looking after me and tthe children is also a massive bonus, there is no comfort like it.
Me, mum and the kids went to a family baby shower which was lovely. Seeing Ava and Finn run around having fun with extended family was great. Finn is turning into a right character with a very strong attitude and some bad tantrums already!
I woke suffering the after affects of going out last night, nausea, diarrhoea, aching and tiredness - but it was worth it.
I couldn't stay off the toilet so I admitted my rebellious ways to a retired Christie hotline friend, she put me straight onto the advice I needed to prevent me needing to go into hospital. I was also grateful that she didn't tell me off!
I often wonder what people think when they see photos of me out enjoying myself. Especially when I am off sick from work, does it make people angry that I can manage to go out but not to work? I'm not sure if that's something that would have previously annoyed me or not. What I do know now though is that psychologically and physically I would struggle to face work it's not an environment where you can ignore cancer, I would be constantly confronted with my fears. I also guess it's the worst environment to pick up an infection in.
I can say though that I do pay the price for a day/night out, often getting very tired and achy.
As I have said before sometimes it's worth the physically pain to treat the psychological pain.
Having my mum and dad up this weekend looking after me and tthe children is also a massive bonus, there is no comfort like it.
Me, mum and the kids went to a family baby shower which was lovely. Seeing Ava and Finn run around having fun with extended family was great. Finn is turning into a right character with a very strong attitude and some bad tantrums already!
Friday 22nd July
I notice today that as well as my eyebrows starting to go, my eyelashes are going as well. I have never attempted fake eyelashes so that could be a novelty trying them. I rarely go anywhere without makeup on so I am looking forward to my makeup session "look good, feel better" in a few weeks, to maximise makeup during cancer treatment.
I kind of wish now that I had got semi permanent eyebrow tattoos before starting chemotherapy.
I was very excited that the BFG was released today. A childhood favourite of mine so I treated Ava to a trip to the cinema. Unfortunately I could barely stay awake and kept missing bits where I fell asleep. The buts I did see were excellent though. It was great for some girlie time together.
I had another power nap at home before going out for a meal and drinks with the mums from Ava's reception class.
I probably shouldn't have gone out as I had stomach pains all day and I knew that diarrhoea was likely to show its ugly face soon. But psychologically I really wanted to spend time with the mums because over the year I have got to know some lovely people.
We had a great night and I totally over did it, especially as everywhere was absolutely boiling. No sooner did I get home and I was constantly on and off the toilet.
I notice today that as well as my eyebrows starting to go, my eyelashes are going as well. I have never attempted fake eyelashes so that could be a novelty trying them. I rarely go anywhere without makeup on so I am looking forward to my makeup session "look good, feel better" in a few weeks, to maximise makeup during cancer treatment.
I kind of wish now that I had got semi permanent eyebrow tattoos before starting chemotherapy.
I was very excited that the BFG was released today. A childhood favourite of mine so I treated Ava to a trip to the cinema. Unfortunately I could barely stay awake and kept missing bits where I fell asleep. The buts I did see were excellent though. It was great for some girlie time together.
I had another power nap at home before going out for a meal and drinks with the mums from Ava's reception class.
I probably shouldn't have gone out as I had stomach pains all day and I knew that diarrhoea was likely to show its ugly face soon. But psychologically I really wanted to spend time with the mums because over the year I have got to know some lovely people.
We had a great night and I totally over did it, especially as everywhere was absolutely boiling. No sooner did I get home and I was constantly on and off the toilet.
Thursday 21st July
I got up and did the last school run before the summer holidays start. I cannot believe that a while school year has gone. I couldn't be prouder of what Ava has achieved and it is a big credit to the school and her teachers.
I had come across an excellent leaflet at the breast unit in Warrington Hospital that you can give to the school telling them all about breast cancer. It has space for you to edit things personal to you and your child, such as current treatment and discussions you and your child have had together. It also lists the things that might affect me and Ava. This included risks of infections or changes to childcare arrangements etc. I handed in to the headteacher today and was contacted by her not long after. We both discussed how sharing this information would be so helpful to us both.
Ava was sad to say goodbye to her reception teachers but also her year 6 buddy that has helped her settle in. She also doesn't like the idea of 6 weeks off school!
I now seem to have another cold and a mouthful of ulcers! I am continuing to have my smoothies everyday to try and maximise my health.
I got up and did the last school run before the summer holidays start. I cannot believe that a while school year has gone. I couldn't be prouder of what Ava has achieved and it is a big credit to the school and her teachers.
I had come across an excellent leaflet at the breast unit in Warrington Hospital that you can give to the school telling them all about breast cancer. It has space for you to edit things personal to you and your child, such as current treatment and discussions you and your child have had together. It also lists the things that might affect me and Ava. This included risks of infections or changes to childcare arrangements etc. I handed in to the headteacher today and was contacted by her not long after. We both discussed how sharing this information would be so helpful to us both.
Ava was sad to say goodbye to her reception teachers but also her year 6 buddy that has helped her settle in. She also doesn't like the idea of 6 weeks off school!
I now seem to have another cold and a mouthful of ulcers! I am continuing to have my smoothies everyday to try and maximise my health.
Wednesday 20th July
I didn't sleep very well mainly due to the heat. I also seemed to feel more sickly again and very achy.
I enjoyed some chilled out time with Neil and Finn at home. When Ava came home I had some energy from resting and joined both her and Finn in the paddling pool, even though I was fully clothed!
It was so hot and seeing the fun they were having in it, I wanted to be a part of that!
Ava had her school disco so it was all about the makeup and chasing the boys!
I didn't sleep very well mainly due to the heat. I also seemed to feel more sickly again and very achy.
I enjoyed some chilled out time with Neil and Finn at home. When Ava came home I had some energy from resting and joined both her and Finn in the paddling pool, even though I was fully clothed!
It was so hot and seeing the fun they were having in it, I wanted to be a part of that!
Ava had her school disco so it was all about the makeup and chasing the boys!
Tuesday 19th July
I felt rubbish today. Totally lacking in energy and aching from head to foot. Just doing a small job like emptying the dishwasher seemed to knock me.
Neil was very good to remind me that I had to just rest and give into it. The sun lounger became a new favourite of mine!
I felt rubbish today. Totally lacking in energy and aching from head to foot. Just doing a small job like emptying the dishwasher seemed to knock me.
Neil was very good to remind me that I had to just rest and give into it. The sun lounger became a new favourite of mine!
Monday 18th July
I got woken in the night and then couldn't get back to sleep. I find that I feel so sickly that I can't sleep. I ended up being awake for 2 hours until reading my book I fell back to sleep.
There was no way I could face the school run, we would have never have made it out the door, I felt too sickly. I am guessing that's as the steroids and anti sickness have stopped now. Thank goodness Neil was here to take the kids so then I could stay in bed.
I had to go to Christie hospital again for a heart scan, just routine to check that the treatments are not having an affect on my heart.
I was pleased Neil could drive me, I spent most of the day trying to drink between stomach cramps and nausea.
I enjoyed cuddles with Ava and Finn before bed and sense that Ava has as much frustration as me that I am not well
I got woken in the night and then couldn't get back to sleep. I find that I feel so sickly that I can't sleep. I ended up being awake for 2 hours until reading my book I fell back to sleep.
There was no way I could face the school run, we would have never have made it out the door, I felt too sickly. I am guessing that's as the steroids and anti sickness have stopped now. Thank goodness Neil was here to take the kids so then I could stay in bed.
I had to go to Christie hospital again for a heart scan, just routine to check that the treatments are not having an affect on my heart.
I was pleased Neil could drive me, I spent most of the day trying to drink between stomach cramps and nausea.
I enjoyed cuddles with Ava and Finn before bed and sense that Ava has as much frustration as me that I am not well
Sunday 17th July
I wake feeling, sickly and convince myself that after my tablets I will feel ok. But no I get up and feel shaky and weak and have a headache.
I spend another day in bed.
Neil collected the kids and I managed to get up for a bit to see them. I missed them so much it was lovely to see them but I ended up so frustrated because I didn't feel well enough to do anything with them.
I managed a slice of toast and went back to bed.
I wake feeling, sickly and convince myself that after my tablets I will feel ok. But no I get up and feel shaky and weak and have a headache.
I spend another day in bed.
Neil collected the kids and I managed to get up for a bit to see them. I missed them so much it was lovely to see them but I ended up so frustrated because I didn't feel well enough to do anything with them.
I managed a slice of toast and went back to bed.
Saturday 16th July
I am missing the kids sooooo much but seeing photos of them enjoying themselves cheers me up. It's also meant that I have been able to rest without feeling guilty and sad that I cannot do things with them.
They have been out having lots of fun with their Aunties and Uncles, so much so that Ava has agreed to stay there another night.
I have spent most of the day in bed. Generally feeling a bit weak and shaky when I get up, sickly, headaches and tired. So I have stayed in bed all day and watched the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. I have never encountered Mr Darcy before 😍😍😍.
I can now barely feel the lumps under my arm that felt so big. This is really helping me to remain positive and realise the feeling rubbish is worth it.
My hair has definitely thinned but no one would notice so the cold cap is doing something for now too.
I am missing the kids sooooo much but seeing photos of them enjoying themselves cheers me up. It's also meant that I have been able to rest without feeling guilty and sad that I cannot do things with them.
They have been out having lots of fun with their Aunties and Uncles, so much so that Ava has agreed to stay there another night.
I have spent most of the day in bed. Generally feeling a bit weak and shaky when I get up, sickly, headaches and tired. So I have stayed in bed all day and watched the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. I have never encountered Mr Darcy before 😍😍😍.
I can now barely feel the lumps under my arm that felt so big. This is really helping me to remain positive and realise the feeling rubbish is worth it.
My hair has definitely thinned but no one would notice so the cold cap is doing something for now too.
Friday 15th July
So cycle 3 of chemo done and dusty today, 4 more to go.
It was an early start for us all to get Ava to school club and Finn to my friends and get to Christie, but it was nice to be home fairly early.
After last time I really wasn't sure that I would manage to keep the cold cap on, but I did. It was just as tough as last time but the fact that I still have hair right now made it feel worth it. And as I am now learning I just need to take a day at a time.
Quite a few people have asked me about the cold cap and what it is like, so I am going to be really brave and post a photo. I look ridiculous in it and it is ok for you all to laugh at it as we did the same. It squashing my face like a hamster to make sure it is tight enough to have contact with the whole of my head. The idea is it is so cold, literally freezing that it narrows the blood vessels beneath the skin of the scalp, reducing the amount of chemotherapy that reaches the hair follicles. It has to be on 30 minutes before the chemotherapy is given and on 90 minutes afterwards.
I was adamant that I wouldn't share the photo as I have my pride but, I have realised that I want people to know what it's like and somewhere it might help someone by seeing it.
Yet again fantastic care from all staff on the chemo unit and from the symptom control team. The chemo unit was incredibly busy (which I guess is sad and good in itself), but the staff didn't show if this was affecting them.
After treatment I went to see the symptom control team, a lot of people shy away from them as they are still associated with palliative care. There has been great efforts to change this misconception but it is changing slower than us as professionals would like it too. Knowing this I was straight in there to use them.
From working closely with the team on the ward, I know that the team have such a wealth of expertise in managing all the physical and psychological symptoms of cancer or treatment. This is exactly what they have done for me.
I have so much respect for the individuals I have seen from working with them I have 100% confidence that they will guide me through any hurdle. If they thought this was palliative or not curative they would say.
I should say though I also have total confidence in my consultants I just haven't worked so closely with them so I don't think I feel I talk to them the same. also if I am seeing another team specialising in my pain, it allows the consultant to focus on the treatment side of things.
I have really missed the children as they have been with other people most of the day and overnight.
It's so hard because I can't rest properly when they are here and it breaks my heart that I don't feel well enough to do anything for them. This way I know they are being spoilt by family and friends and having lots of fun.
I know I will make it up to them on my good days, but the guilt and missing them still doesn't go away.
Finn was a little star staying with Trish and her family and did me proud, I think he loved all the female attention especially from Emily who is just a little bit older than him.
Ava did us proud with an amazing school report, she works so hard to achieve and makes us so happy everyday. She has done so well in her first year at school.
As the night goes on the headaches,tiredness and nausea start to kick in so it was sofa and bed.
So cycle 3 of chemo done and dusty today, 4 more to go.
It was an early start for us all to get Ava to school club and Finn to my friends and get to Christie, but it was nice to be home fairly early.
After last time I really wasn't sure that I would manage to keep the cold cap on, but I did. It was just as tough as last time but the fact that I still have hair right now made it feel worth it. And as I am now learning I just need to take a day at a time.
Quite a few people have asked me about the cold cap and what it is like, so I am going to be really brave and post a photo. I look ridiculous in it and it is ok for you all to laugh at it as we did the same. It squashing my face like a hamster to make sure it is tight enough to have contact with the whole of my head. The idea is it is so cold, literally freezing that it narrows the blood vessels beneath the skin of the scalp, reducing the amount of chemotherapy that reaches the hair follicles. It has to be on 30 minutes before the chemotherapy is given and on 90 minutes afterwards.
I was adamant that I wouldn't share the photo as I have my pride but, I have realised that I want people to know what it's like and somewhere it might help someone by seeing it.
Yet again fantastic care from all staff on the chemo unit and from the symptom control team. The chemo unit was incredibly busy (which I guess is sad and good in itself), but the staff didn't show if this was affecting them.
After treatment I went to see the symptom control team, a lot of people shy away from them as they are still associated with palliative care. There has been great efforts to change this misconception but it is changing slower than us as professionals would like it too. Knowing this I was straight in there to use them.
From working closely with the team on the ward, I know that the team have such a wealth of expertise in managing all the physical and psychological symptoms of cancer or treatment. This is exactly what they have done for me.
I have so much respect for the individuals I have seen from working with them I have 100% confidence that they will guide me through any hurdle. If they thought this was palliative or not curative they would say.
I should say though I also have total confidence in my consultants I just haven't worked so closely with them so I don't think I feel I talk to them the same. also if I am seeing another team specialising in my pain, it allows the consultant to focus on the treatment side of things.
I have really missed the children as they have been with other people most of the day and overnight.
It's so hard because I can't rest properly when they are here and it breaks my heart that I don't feel well enough to do anything for them. This way I know they are being spoilt by family and friends and having lots of fun.
I know I will make it up to them on my good days, but the guilt and missing them still doesn't go away.
Finn was a little star staying with Trish and her family and did me proud, I think he loved all the female attention especially from Emily who is just a little bit older than him.
Ava did us proud with an amazing school report, she works so hard to achieve and makes us so happy everyday. She has done so well in her first year at school.
As the night goes on the headaches,tiredness and nausea start to kick in so it was sofa and bed.
Thursday 14th July
Wow I am still buzzing from the most amazing night at the theatre with Ava.
After Ava's teddy bears picnic at school, we went to watch Cats at the Empire theatre in Liverpool. We went with friends from dance.
It was made more special by the lead role being played by a friend I have known since secondary school. She was playing the lead role of Grizabella and sang memory. She had me in tears with the emotion of the song and also being so proud to know her.
I first saw this show when I was 9 years old with one of our best friends and it was as magical as I remember from then.
We were so lucky to be taken back stage to meet the cast. We also got a tour of the stage and set, the costumes and the girls had makeup applied in her dressing room. They were stunned into silence and totally in love with it all, you can guess what they want to do when they get older.
Another amazing memory for me and Ava to add to our collection, I love that we love the same things and have so much fun sharing them together.
It was also great to go the night before chemotherapy. It took my mind off it and meant I had some quality time with Ava before spending time feeling hopeless in bed. I don't think I can justify this as a reason to go before every treatment though.
Earlier on in the day I had been for bloods and review back at the Christie Hospital prior to chemotherapy tomorrow.
As the scan had showed that the tumours had responded to the treatment, they will continue with giving me another dose of the EC before moving onto the next chemotherapy drugs.
It was a nice straight forward appointment with no negative news.
It was lovely to see everyone from work again too.
Wow I am still buzzing from the most amazing night at the theatre with Ava.
After Ava's teddy bears picnic at school, we went to watch Cats at the Empire theatre in Liverpool. We went with friends from dance.
It was made more special by the lead role being played by a friend I have known since secondary school. She was playing the lead role of Grizabella and sang memory. She had me in tears with the emotion of the song and also being so proud to know her.
I first saw this show when I was 9 years old with one of our best friends and it was as magical as I remember from then.
We were so lucky to be taken back stage to meet the cast. We also got a tour of the stage and set, the costumes and the girls had makeup applied in her dressing room. They were stunned into silence and totally in love with it all, you can guess what they want to do when they get older.
Another amazing memory for me and Ava to add to our collection, I love that we love the same things and have so much fun sharing them together.
It was also great to go the night before chemotherapy. It took my mind off it and meant I had some quality time with Ava before spending time feeling hopeless in bed. I don't think I can justify this as a reason to go before every treatment though.
Earlier on in the day I had been for bloods and review back at the Christie Hospital prior to chemotherapy tomorrow.
As the scan had showed that the tumours had responded to the treatment, they will continue with giving me another dose of the EC before moving onto the next chemotherapy drugs.
It was a nice straight forward appointment with no negative news.
It was lovely to see everyone from work again too.
Tuesday 12th July
As so many people tell me this is what I need to do. I have always been someone that looks and plans way in to the future. Maybe this is one of the biggest frustrations right now. I need to learn to take a day at a time and be patient.
As I sat and worked out my final childcare arrangements for this chemotherapy I had a think about the impact it would have if something happened to alter the date of me receiving treatment.
For each chemotherapy I need to organise someone to be with me through the treatment and drive me to and from the treatment. Some people feel safe after chemo to drive but I don't want to take the risk on a 27 mile trip.
I then need to organise childcare for Finn and Ava for the days of treatment and at least the 3 days afterwards.
For the first 3 days I have not felt well enough to look after the children, I have barely ,an aged to get out of bed.
With Neil working shifts this can make it harder. He wants to be with me to look after and protect me but also with the children to do the same, but sadly he often needs to work.
In work we see people unable to have treatment on the planned date due to illness, low blood counts or even delays due to bed shortages. I think again this is something I have totally underestimated the impact that this has for people.
Not only would it induce anxiety to me about what the delay is doing to the cancer but the impact on my arrangements would be massive. It is not that simple to rearrange 5 days of childcare and support for myself. Yet another thing I will take away from this, to ask and support people with the impact that a deferral of treatment can cause.
As I sat and worked out my final childcare arrangements for this chemotherapy I had a think about the impact it would have if something happened to alter the date of me receiving treatment.
For each chemotherapy I need to organise someone to be with me through the treatment and drive me to and from the treatment. Some people feel safe after chemo to drive but I don't want to take the risk on a 27 mile trip.
I then need to organise childcare for Finn and Ava for the days of treatment and at least the 3 days afterwards.
For the first 3 days I have not felt well enough to look after the children, I have barely ,an aged to get out of bed.
With Neil working shifts this can make it harder. He wants to be with me to look after and protect me but also with the children to do the same, but sadly he often needs to work.
In work we see people unable to have treatment on the planned date due to illness, low blood counts or even delays due to bed shortages. I think again this is something I have totally underestimated the impact that this has for people.
Not only would it induce anxiety to me about what the delay is doing to the cancer but the impact on my arrangements would be massive. It is not that simple to rearrange 5 days of childcare and support for myself. Yet another thing I will take away from this, to ask and support people with the impact that a deferral of treatment can cause.
Monday 11th July
If I had written this blog straight after my hospital appointment today it would have been all so positive and you would be able to feel the buzz from me. But reality kicks in as time goes on.
I was back at Warrington hospital today to see my breast surgeon to see if the cancer had responded to the chemotherapy.
On the way I had seen two magpies sat together - 3 times! I decided this was a good sign. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am not superstitious, I am!
After examination I was sent for a mammogram and an ultrasound scan.
The results were good and the cancer has shrunk. I am not sure by how much as at the time I didn't care or want to know the detail, I just wanted to know that the chemotherapy has been working.
Once again the team there were fantastic.
I had told a few people recently that I felt the lump under my arm had shrunk but I was scared to admit it in case I was wrong. I was pleased that my surgeon also felt this himself before the scans were done.
I felt so so pleased with this news as I have worried a lot over the past few weeks that the chemotherapy had not been doing anything.
But.............
What I was not prepared for was crying later in the evening when putting the children to bed.
Everytime I am back at the hospital it is a reminder that I have cancer and I have an incredibly long journey ahead of me to beat this.
I am nearly half way through the chemotherapy but then I need to have surgery, radiotherapy and possibly more surgery.
When I am in my good weeks after chemotherapy I can get on with life as normal but it soon hits me again.
As I hugged the children and put them to bed I couldn't help the tears. I want to be there for them, for the rest of their life and see them grow up. I thought about how much I need and want my mum when life gets hard! How much comfort I get from talking things through with her or her hugs.
I simply cannot leave them I have to be here for them.
Speaking to Mum, Neil and Jo soon made me feel better as always.
I have missed a few days of the blog because I can't see that my day to day activities and my 'normal' life would be of any interest to anyone. I have spent time with family and friends having a great time.
If I had written this blog straight after my hospital appointment today it would have been all so positive and you would be able to feel the buzz from me. But reality kicks in as time goes on.
I was back at Warrington hospital today to see my breast surgeon to see if the cancer had responded to the chemotherapy.
On the way I had seen two magpies sat together - 3 times! I decided this was a good sign. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am not superstitious, I am!
After examination I was sent for a mammogram and an ultrasound scan.
The results were good and the cancer has shrunk. I am not sure by how much as at the time I didn't care or want to know the detail, I just wanted to know that the chemotherapy has been working.
Once again the team there were fantastic.
I had told a few people recently that I felt the lump under my arm had shrunk but I was scared to admit it in case I was wrong. I was pleased that my surgeon also felt this himself before the scans were done.
I felt so so pleased with this news as I have worried a lot over the past few weeks that the chemotherapy had not been doing anything.
But.............
What I was not prepared for was crying later in the evening when putting the children to bed.
Everytime I am back at the hospital it is a reminder that I have cancer and I have an incredibly long journey ahead of me to beat this.
I am nearly half way through the chemotherapy but then I need to have surgery, radiotherapy and possibly more surgery.
When I am in my good weeks after chemotherapy I can get on with life as normal but it soon hits me again.
As I hugged the children and put them to bed I couldn't help the tears. I want to be there for them, for the rest of their life and see them grow up. I thought about how much I need and want my mum when life gets hard! How much comfort I get from talking things through with her or her hugs.
I simply cannot leave them I have to be here for them.
Speaking to Mum, Neil and Jo soon made me feel better as always.
I have missed a few days of the blog because I can't see that my day to day activities and my 'normal' life would be of any interest to anyone. I have spent time with family and friends having a great time.
Saturday 9th July
As every Saturday goes we had, swimming and dance for Ava which takes up most of the day.
We then took Ava and Finn to the fair. Finn did not like the rides (like his Dad) and Ava loved them (like her Mum). the girl has no fear at all.
Me and Neil then enjoyed a loved meal before meeting friends at the pub for the evening.
As every Saturday goes we had, swimming and dance for Ava which takes up most of the day.
We then took Ava and Finn to the fair. Finn did not like the rides (like his Dad) and Ava loved them (like her Mum). the girl has no fear at all.
Me and Neil then enjoyed a loved meal before meeting friends at the pub for the evening.
Friday 8th July
I can't really say I have much exciting to write about today either. I do miss my work routine and having a 'role' and a purpose. I don't even feel like I can fulfill my role as a wife, mother or friend right now.
Neil was off today so we enjoyed some breakfasts out and a bit of shopping with Finn.
Since I have been off work and spent more time with Finn he has become very clingy, he wants to be in my arms constantly. Carrying him around is hard with the pain but I also don't want him to be clingy especially for when I return to work.
After picking Ava up we went to the park for the 3rd day running! I love watching Ava play with all her school friends and I enjoy some adult conversation with the mums.
I was very tired all day so gave in with a sleep this afternoon.
This evening I popped out for a catch up with 3 of our old neighbours. We have stayed good friends since moving so it was lovely to see them.
I can't really say I have much exciting to write about today either. I do miss my work routine and having a 'role' and a purpose. I don't even feel like I can fulfill my role as a wife, mother or friend right now.
Neil was off today so we enjoyed some breakfasts out and a bit of shopping with Finn.
Since I have been off work and spent more time with Finn he has become very clingy, he wants to be in my arms constantly. Carrying him around is hard with the pain but I also don't want him to be clingy especially for when I return to work.
After picking Ava up we went to the park for the 3rd day running! I love watching Ava play with all her school friends and I enjoy some adult conversation with the mums.
I was very tired all day so gave in with a sleep this afternoon.
This evening I popped out for a catch up with 3 of our old neighbours. We have stayed good friends since moving so it was lovely to see them.
Thursday 7th July
Well I haven't posted for a few days, mainly because it would bore everyone to tears!
I got excited because I had two days pain free, only to be followed by two days with the pain coming back. But I went back to taking the oxynorm and decided that maybe it is because the past few days I have been doing a lot more.
Other than dealing with the tail end of a cold I have been feeling fine, almost normal even. I have enjoyed time with the kids and seeing some friends.
Ava had her last assembly in reception, where they talked about the things they have learnt during the year and what they have enjoyed the most. I think all us mums agreed that it was emotional, they have all grown in confidence and all become such good friends. I have gained some good friends through the school too and look forward to our night out in a few weeks.
I did have a little bit of a wobble later thinking about how badly I want to watch Ava and Finn grow up and go all through the school years, and right now I can't be sure I will. But I am having a good week so I threw the negative thoughts right back where they came from.
I have been speaking to a friend who has been living with cancer for several years now. The situation is very different and her and her family have been through so much. I really admire how she still stays so positive after all this time. I am sure I don't know half of what she has really been going through but she reminds me about how important positivity and hope is.
Well I haven't posted for a few days, mainly because it would bore everyone to tears!
I got excited because I had two days pain free, only to be followed by two days with the pain coming back. But I went back to taking the oxynorm and decided that maybe it is because the past few days I have been doing a lot more.
Other than dealing with the tail end of a cold I have been feeling fine, almost normal even. I have enjoyed time with the kids and seeing some friends.
Ava had her last assembly in reception, where they talked about the things they have learnt during the year and what they have enjoyed the most. I think all us mums agreed that it was emotional, they have all grown in confidence and all become such good friends. I have gained some good friends through the school too and look forward to our night out in a few weeks.
I did have a little bit of a wobble later thinking about how badly I want to watch Ava and Finn grow up and go all through the school years, and right now I can't be sure I will. But I am having a good week so I threw the negative thoughts right back where they came from.
I have been speaking to a friend who has been living with cancer for several years now. The situation is very different and her and her family have been through so much. I really admire how she still stays so positive after all this time. I am sure I don't know half of what she has really been going through but she reminds me about how important positivity and hope is.
Sunday 3rd July
Today I was glad to be spending some time with Neil and other friends. We went over to Brighouse to watch the brass band march and hymn contest.
It was a gorgeous day so was nice sat outside having a few drinks with friends whilst listening to the bands.
Having done a bit more the last few days I was very tired and did get pain, but it's so worth it for having some normality.
It was also quite a hard day for us in some ways. We saw a lot of people we hadn't seen since my diagnosis and again we were overwhelmed with the support that people offered. I was pleased that we got to enjoy time with friends and together especially for Neil.
One of the things I get to see as a cancer nurse is the total burn out of patients partners.
In some ways they are the unsung heroes. They go through the whole cancer journey, feeling the mental and physical pain of their loved one yet feel like they have to be the strong one. They are the one that has to still go to work and keep the family going, care for their other half when they are unwell and get to all the appointments.
I often hear how they live their life feeling guilty. Guilty if they go to work, guilty if they spend time with the children instead of caring for their unwell other half, guilty if they go out and have fun etc.
Yet they can be the ones that don't get the support they need because the one they lean on for help is the one that is ill.
I am really trying to remember this with Neil as I really don't want him to get ill with it all. If there is anything my friends can do for me it is to look out for him too, I know he will do his best to ensure that he is strong for me and the kids and he can be a man of few words.
Today I was glad to be spending some time with Neil and other friends. We went over to Brighouse to watch the brass band march and hymn contest.
It was a gorgeous day so was nice sat outside having a few drinks with friends whilst listening to the bands.
Having done a bit more the last few days I was very tired and did get pain, but it's so worth it for having some normality.
It was also quite a hard day for us in some ways. We saw a lot of people we hadn't seen since my diagnosis and again we were overwhelmed with the support that people offered. I was pleased that we got to enjoy time with friends and together especially for Neil.
One of the things I get to see as a cancer nurse is the total burn out of patients partners.
In some ways they are the unsung heroes. They go through the whole cancer journey, feeling the mental and physical pain of their loved one yet feel like they have to be the strong one. They are the one that has to still go to work and keep the family going, care for their other half when they are unwell and get to all the appointments.
I often hear how they live their life feeling guilty. Guilty if they go to work, guilty if they spend time with the children instead of caring for their unwell other half, guilty if they go out and have fun etc.
Yet they can be the ones that don't get the support they need because the one they lean on for help is the one that is ill.
I am really trying to remember this with Neil as I really don't want him to get ill with it all. If there is anything my friends can do for me it is to look out for him too, I know he will do his best to ensure that he is strong for me and the kids and he can be a man of few words.
Saturday 2nd July
Yay I woke up feeling better today other than a stinking cold! But that's not cancer or chemo so that's ok......I know that it's likely I have caught the cold due to a low immunity from chemo but I will ignore that.
I took Ava to her swimming lesson and then we all went to watch her dance at a summer fair with her dance school, Vibe dance. She was in 2 street dances and one ballet and one tap did ballet, tap so we had a few costume changes. Thankfully they just finished in time for the rain.
We were super proud parents again. Ava was so confident dancing on stage right at the front, she has come such a long way in a year.
Whilst there we managed to captured a photo of brother and sisterly love at its best. Finn always wants to join in with the dancing, luckily Ava and her friend were happy to let him whilst they were between dances.
I feel so grateful everyday for the gorgeous children that we have and even more for the way they love each other. Before anyone shouts at the screen I am well aware that this can end at any time, I'm just cherishing it whilst it lasts.
In order for me to be able to go out tonight I needed a sleep. Tiredness is the one thing I have been suffering with badly for months even before I got diagnosed, since treatment it seems to be worse. It's a tiredness that you can't seem to battle through.
I had a girly date night with another fantastic friend. She has been another one of my rocks, particularly with the children so it was nice to finally get a date with her myself.
She cooked a gorgeous meal, and we had wine and watched a film. I don't think she was too impressed with me when I fell asleep midway through her talking to me 😬😬. I blamed it on the cancer but a good friend knows not to trust her friend once she has been drinking wine!
Yay I woke up feeling better today other than a stinking cold! But that's not cancer or chemo so that's ok......I know that it's likely I have caught the cold due to a low immunity from chemo but I will ignore that.
I took Ava to her swimming lesson and then we all went to watch her dance at a summer fair with her dance school, Vibe dance. She was in 2 street dances and one ballet and one tap did ballet, tap so we had a few costume changes. Thankfully they just finished in time for the rain.
We were super proud parents again. Ava was so confident dancing on stage right at the front, she has come such a long way in a year.
Whilst there we managed to captured a photo of brother and sisterly love at its best. Finn always wants to join in with the dancing, luckily Ava and her friend were happy to let him whilst they were between dances.
I feel so grateful everyday for the gorgeous children that we have and even more for the way they love each other. Before anyone shouts at the screen I am well aware that this can end at any time, I'm just cherishing it whilst it lasts.
In order for me to be able to go out tonight I needed a sleep. Tiredness is the one thing I have been suffering with badly for months even before I got diagnosed, since treatment it seems to be worse. It's a tiredness that you can't seem to battle through.
I had a girly date night with another fantastic friend. She has been another one of my rocks, particularly with the children so it was nice to finally get a date with her myself.
She cooked a gorgeous meal, and we had wine and watched a film. I don't think she was too impressed with me when I fell asleep midway through her talking to me 😬😬. I blamed it on the cancer but a good friend knows not to trust her friend once she has been drinking wine!
Friday 1st July
I love Friday's?.....mainly because my cleaner comes and she is amazing! I really don't think I have the energy to clean the house top to bottom without it taking all day and ending up in pain. Having this done for me makes me feel so much better knowing that the place is clean but also I can use my energy on doing stuff with the children.
Me and Finn had a nice morning playing in the play room and cleaning things up. He wasn't too impressed when I decided to cut his hair, but I bribed him with chocolate.
He seems to be a lot better but he still has sores in his mouth so is struggling to sleep because his dummy appears to be hurting him.
So proud of Ava again, last week she got star of the week for working hard and this week she got Barney bear for working hard. She certainly is not letting mummy's cancer stop her!
Although all mums will appreciate that actually having the class bear for the weekend is a bit of a pain, it means that we have to write a diary for each day and include pictures😁. This is lovely but motivating Ava at the end of a busy weekend to do this can be tricky.
We made some cakes after tea, lemon drizzle and a Victoria sponge and they are gorgeous. As promised me and Ava watched a film whilst Neil was out.
I love days like these, time spent with the children it feels so precious right now. I feel that I appreciate it so much more. I was in a lot of pain in my shoulder and arm by the end of the night but I didn't care as I mentally felt so much better.
I love Friday's?.....mainly because my cleaner comes and she is amazing! I really don't think I have the energy to clean the house top to bottom without it taking all day and ending up in pain. Having this done for me makes me feel so much better knowing that the place is clean but also I can use my energy on doing stuff with the children.
Me and Finn had a nice morning playing in the play room and cleaning things up. He wasn't too impressed when I decided to cut his hair, but I bribed him with chocolate.
He seems to be a lot better but he still has sores in his mouth so is struggling to sleep because his dummy appears to be hurting him.
So proud of Ava again, last week she got star of the week for working hard and this week she got Barney bear for working hard. She certainly is not letting mummy's cancer stop her!
Although all mums will appreciate that actually having the class bear for the weekend is a bit of a pain, it means that we have to write a diary for each day and include pictures😁. This is lovely but motivating Ava at the end of a busy weekend to do this can be tricky.
We made some cakes after tea, lemon drizzle and a Victoria sponge and they are gorgeous. As promised me and Ava watched a film whilst Neil was out.
I love days like these, time spent with the children it feels so precious right now. I feel that I appreciate it so much more. I was in a lot of pain in my shoulder and arm by the end of the night but I didn't care as I mentally felt so much better.
Thursday 30th June
None of us got any sleep last night so we spent the day trying to catch up on sleep. Finn has been rotten with whatever virus he has so we kept him off nursery which meant that neil also had to have the day off work to be able to look after him. I had to try and stay away from him so I don't catch anything but it's so hard when he's crying for me.
All day I was getting clammy and felt quite weak, I made sure I was checking my temperature like a good patient!
None of us got any sleep last night so we spent the day trying to catch up on sleep. Finn has been rotten with whatever virus he has so we kept him off nursery which meant that neil also had to have the day off work to be able to look after him. I had to try and stay away from him so I don't catch anything but it's so hard when he's crying for me.
All day I was getting clammy and felt quite weak, I made sure I was checking my temperature like a good patient!
Wednesday 29th June
Today I had an appointment at the hospital with the counselling team.
I was debating whether I would mention it on here wth it being such a personal and sensitive subject. Then I realised its not something that I am at all ashamed of and neither should anyone else be.
I don't think it's unreasonable to be scared of the future when you are diagnosed with cancer and I believe it's good to talk and be open.
I have so many fantastic friends, and family who I can talk to, but sometimes there are things you need to discuss and explore with a professional and also protect the ones you love.
It was a good session and left me with some positive thoughts and coping mechanisms. I want to channel my energy in making cancer being a 'part' of my life not being my life and consuming all I do. I know there will be times when it has to take centre stage but where possible I want to live my days as 'normal' as possible.
I want to fulfil my roles as a mum, wife and friend that's what makes me happy. I would like to continue to be a nurse but I know that's not possible right now.
I also visited the new Maggies centre that's been built on the grounds of Christie hospital. It's a fantastic, relaxed environment where patients and families can go to relax and gain a lot of support or take part in activities. It was lovely and quiet and most definitely somewhere I will come on days when I am waiting between appointments and treatments.
By the time I got home I was in quiet a lot of pain and had a headache. I took advantage of the children being in after school club and nursery and I had a sleep.
Neil brought Finn home with suspected hand, foot and mouth and both him and Ava still had colds. I was pleased to be going out for ea with friends to avoid contact with them all.
Today I had an appointment at the hospital with the counselling team.
I was debating whether I would mention it on here wth it being such a personal and sensitive subject. Then I realised its not something that I am at all ashamed of and neither should anyone else be.
I don't think it's unreasonable to be scared of the future when you are diagnosed with cancer and I believe it's good to talk and be open.
I have so many fantastic friends, and family who I can talk to, but sometimes there are things you need to discuss and explore with a professional and also protect the ones you love.
It was a good session and left me with some positive thoughts and coping mechanisms. I want to channel my energy in making cancer being a 'part' of my life not being my life and consuming all I do. I know there will be times when it has to take centre stage but where possible I want to live my days as 'normal' as possible.
I want to fulfil my roles as a mum, wife and friend that's what makes me happy. I would like to continue to be a nurse but I know that's not possible right now.
I also visited the new Maggies centre that's been built on the grounds of Christie hospital. It's a fantastic, relaxed environment where patients and families can go to relax and gain a lot of support or take part in activities. It was lovely and quiet and most definitely somewhere I will come on days when I am waiting between appointments and treatments.
By the time I got home I was in quiet a lot of pain and had a headache. I took advantage of the children being in after school club and nursery and I had a sleep.
Neil brought Finn home with suspected hand, foot and mouth and both him and Ava still had colds. I was pleased to be going out for ea with friends to avoid contact with them all.
Tuesday 28th June
I woke feeling so tired and achy but at least I had slept really well so I took Ava to school and was amazed how such a small thing made me feel a lot better.
It seems that's my battle at the moment, weighing up the physical impact of doing something against the beneifit to me psychologically. A bit of normality doing the school run is worth a lie down.........even if it does mean I sleep for an hour!
This time around I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and know that I will start to feel a bit more human by the end of the week. I'm not going to try and fight it this time, I will just plan to do things for the next two weeks. I am also trying to push to the back of my mind any negative thoughts right now it feels like wasted energy.
My hair is starting to come out a little bit now, but I have so much hair that I am hoping I can get away with it for a bit longer yet. Ava watches everyday as I brush my hair but she seems a lot less worried now she knows I have a wig.
I woke feeling so tired and achy but at least I had slept really well so I took Ava to school and was amazed how such a small thing made me feel a lot better.
It seems that's my battle at the moment, weighing up the physical impact of doing something against the beneifit to me psychologically. A bit of normality doing the school run is worth a lie down.........even if it does mean I sleep for an hour!
This time around I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and know that I will start to feel a bit more human by the end of the week. I'm not going to try and fight it this time, I will just plan to do things for the next two weeks. I am also trying to push to the back of my mind any negative thoughts right now it feels like wasted energy.
My hair is starting to come out a little bit now, but I have so much hair that I am hoping I can get away with it for a bit longer yet. Ava watches everyday as I brush my hair but she seems a lot less worried now she knows I have a wig.
Monday 27th June
I managed not to spend all day in bed and went with Neil and Finn to Asda. It was amazing how just a short trip took it out of me.
I still feel a bit out of it, tired and very achy.
Both the kids have got colds so I am doing my best to avoid the snotty noses and hoping that my daily injections keep the infections away.
After the last cycle I have learnt to give in and sleep and rest when I need too, soooooooo that's my boring update over.
I managed not to spend all day in bed and went with Neil and Finn to Asda. It was amazing how just a short trip took it out of me.
I still feel a bit out of it, tired and very achy.
Both the kids have got colds so I am doing my best to avoid the snotty noses and hoping that my daily injections keep the infections away.
After the last cycle I have learnt to give in and sleep and rest when I need too, soooooooo that's my boring update over.
Sunday 26th June 2016
Today I feel fed up and scared. I cannot shake the fear of things being worse when to me the pain is getting worse.
I spent the majority of the day in bed in pain, sickness, tiredness and generally just wiped out.
Ava begged me to try and come to her summer fair. I managed a shower and went with the family for a couple of hours all dosed up on medication.
It was nice to get out for a bit but it was hard. I felt a bit dazed and out of it.
The main thing was Ava and Finn enjoyed it and me and Neil enjoyed watching them smile and have fun.
There was some normality for Ava, right now that is what I push myself for.
It was back to bed when I got home and we all enjoyed cuddles and films.
Saturday 25th June 2016
I woke with the familiar feelings of nausea, tiredness, pain, and weakness.
Taking the tablets and drinking was a struggle but once taken they certainly helped.
I would be awake for about an hour and then sleep for about 2, I didn't venture out of bed.
Neil had work and the kids were looked after by a friend from dance and then Karen, who has been another rock! She also had them overnight which meant that I literally only had to worry about giving into my body and resting.
As the day went on the headache came and got stronger and stronger. I found myself trying my emergency drug oxynorm. It worked a treat, but again tasted disgusting!
Its scary for me taking this, even though it is something I am regularly giving out at work and encouraging patients to have, for some reason I wanted to avoid it.
I have really missed the children today but I have been good for nothing.
I woke with the familiar feelings of nausea, tiredness, pain, and weakness.
Taking the tablets and drinking was a struggle but once taken they certainly helped.
I would be awake for about an hour and then sleep for about 2, I didn't venture out of bed.
Neil had work and the kids were looked after by a friend from dance and then Karen, who has been another rock! She also had them overnight which meant that I literally only had to worry about giving into my body and resting.
As the day went on the headache came and got stronger and stronger. I found myself trying my emergency drug oxynorm. It worked a treat, but again tasted disgusting!
Its scary for me taking this, even though it is something I am regularly giving out at work and encouraging patients to have, for some reason I wanted to avoid it.
I have really missed the children today but I have been good for nothing.
Friday 24th June 2016
We were up and out early to get to the hospital as it is 29 miles away, we were in time to get some breakfast.
Ava was so upset as we were leaving and really didn't want me to go. She understands I need to but still doesn't like me becoming poorly with it. She struggled to eat breakfast and get ready for school without crying. It breaks my heart that it's is having this affect on her.
The treatment was ok but this time I found the cold cap harder. It made me cold all over and at times I just wanted to rip it off. It also gives me headaches and extends my treatment by 2 hours. But I haven't lost any hair yet and if continues to have some affect then I will try and keep it up especially for Ava.
It is very nice having colleagues looking after me especially ones that know me well. I broke down having treatment, I am so scared that the cancer is not responding to the chemotherapy, I,m scared that it is growing and spreading. I worry about how it is all affecting Ava and Neil.
Finn is so young that he won't remember this when he is older.
With help from Jo and the team, I realised that I can't be strong and do this alone. I have agreed to have some councilling. Somewhere where I can speak to a professional and discuss all my fears without hurting the ones close to me.
I also accepted help from the symptom control team. I have been trying to manage my pain and symptoms alone but I need to put it in the hands of the specialists.
I have had my pain killers changed and they have organised my councilling.
I discussed my fear of the cancer spreading and not being cured.
I have a lot of respect for the Dr that I saw having worked with him closely over the years. He reminded me that it wasn't so long ago that I had a full body scan that was clear. He also told me that everyone was pulling out all the stops to cure me and that's what I need to focus on. This made me feel a lot better, I'm not sure why as I know everyone is. Sometimes I guess you just need to keep hearing the same thing for reassurance.
We also took the time to visit the information centre for advice on support for Ava. I was shocked that all this time working here I never knew how much information was avliable to patients. I also realised I never really ask my patients about their families and how they are coping.
I had a bit of time to wait for my medications so we went and choose my wig. I may not need one but I am not convinced that I won't. I am well aware that people that have used the cold cap still loose a lot of their hair, or a lot of people struggle to continue with it.
I like to plan and be prepared, so I decided that I would rather have my wig ready for when I need it. I feel this way is better for Ava too.
I don't want to have to walk into work with people seeing my hair loss or anywhere else.
I also wanted to pick it having Jo there. Not only is she one of my closest friends but a hair dresser. I know that she will be honest and ensure that whatever I get is the best option for me.
I tried lots of different lengths and colours. To be honest I hated them all, they all looked too 'wiggy' for me.
I have to remember that it's difficult to tell when I have my hair underneath as the wig dosent fit quite right. I opted for the best one and paid a little extra for it.
We went home and picked the children up from nursery and after school club, it was so lovely to see them.
I came home to a perfectly clean house, the cleaner started today which is is such a perfect gift from my brother and sister in law!
Jo went home after tea and me and the children went to bed. By this time I was starting to feel quite weak, sickly, tired and woozy. I also had a headache a feeling as if the cold cap was still on.
I was so pleased when Neil returned from work early. I feel so much safer when he is around, I feel more at ease and comforted and I wasn't able to give the children the care and attention they needed. Finn seemed unwell and I couldn't deal with it very well.
Today has been so emotionally and physically exhausting. I have suddenly realised that this really is a long 'journey' one with many hurdles along the way.
It is going to get harder and I have a long way to go.
One day at a time.
We were up and out early to get to the hospital as it is 29 miles away, we were in time to get some breakfast.
Ava was so upset as we were leaving and really didn't want me to go. She understands I need to but still doesn't like me becoming poorly with it. She struggled to eat breakfast and get ready for school without crying. It breaks my heart that it's is having this affect on her.
The treatment was ok but this time I found the cold cap harder. It made me cold all over and at times I just wanted to rip it off. It also gives me headaches and extends my treatment by 2 hours. But I haven't lost any hair yet and if continues to have some affect then I will try and keep it up especially for Ava.
It is very nice having colleagues looking after me especially ones that know me well. I broke down having treatment, I am so scared that the cancer is not responding to the chemotherapy, I,m scared that it is growing and spreading. I worry about how it is all affecting Ava and Neil.
Finn is so young that he won't remember this when he is older.
With help from Jo and the team, I realised that I can't be strong and do this alone. I have agreed to have some councilling. Somewhere where I can speak to a professional and discuss all my fears without hurting the ones close to me.
I also accepted help from the symptom control team. I have been trying to manage my pain and symptoms alone but I need to put it in the hands of the specialists.
I have had my pain killers changed and they have organised my councilling.
I discussed my fear of the cancer spreading and not being cured.
I have a lot of respect for the Dr that I saw having worked with him closely over the years. He reminded me that it wasn't so long ago that I had a full body scan that was clear. He also told me that everyone was pulling out all the stops to cure me and that's what I need to focus on. This made me feel a lot better, I'm not sure why as I know everyone is. Sometimes I guess you just need to keep hearing the same thing for reassurance.
We also took the time to visit the information centre for advice on support for Ava. I was shocked that all this time working here I never knew how much information was avliable to patients. I also realised I never really ask my patients about their families and how they are coping.
I had a bit of time to wait for my medications so we went and choose my wig. I may not need one but I am not convinced that I won't. I am well aware that people that have used the cold cap still loose a lot of their hair, or a lot of people struggle to continue with it.
I like to plan and be prepared, so I decided that I would rather have my wig ready for when I need it. I feel this way is better for Ava too.
I don't want to have to walk into work with people seeing my hair loss or anywhere else.
I also wanted to pick it having Jo there. Not only is she one of my closest friends but a hair dresser. I know that she will be honest and ensure that whatever I get is the best option for me.
I tried lots of different lengths and colours. To be honest I hated them all, they all looked too 'wiggy' for me.
I have to remember that it's difficult to tell when I have my hair underneath as the wig dosent fit quite right. I opted for the best one and paid a little extra for it.
We went home and picked the children up from nursery and after school club, it was so lovely to see them.
I came home to a perfectly clean house, the cleaner started today which is is such a perfect gift from my brother and sister in law!
Jo went home after tea and me and the children went to bed. By this time I was starting to feel quite weak, sickly, tired and woozy. I also had a headache a feeling as if the cold cap was still on.
I was so pleased when Neil returned from work early. I feel so much safer when he is around, I feel more at ease and comforted and I wasn't able to give the children the care and attention they needed. Finn seemed unwell and I couldn't deal with it very well.
Today has been so emotionally and physically exhausting. I have suddenly realised that this really is a long 'journey' one with many hurdles along the way.
It is going to get harder and I have a long way to go.
One day at a time.
Some of my rocks! I don't know what I would do without them.
Thursday 23rd June 2016
So 3 weeks has past and tomorrow I have cycle 2 of my chemotherapy. I had to attend the hospital today to have blood tests and have a review by my consultant to check that I am OK to go ahead with the next treatment.
I don't have great veins so getting my blood wasn't so easy - I wonder whether I will end up needing a line in to complete my treatment. Something I would rather avoid right now with having small children at home and the risk of infection.
I had taken Finn with me, because this is a straight forward appointment and I don't want to exhaust my childcare, or miss more time with him. I don't think he thought this was one of his better days out, apart from when we visited my ward and he enjoyed the attention and the cakes!
During the consultation we discussed how I felt after my last treatment and in a typical nurse style I found myself playing down my symptoms. I discussed my nausea, fatigue and problems sleeping.
I have no idea why I walked away and declined any medication to help me sleep. I hear my patients tell me all the time they are fed up of taking so many tablets, yet I always convince them to take more. Now I am that patient who already feels a bit fed of medication.
I wanted to know what the pain in my shoulder and arm was being caused by. It was explained to me that because I have a lot of lymph nodes with large areas of the cancer in they are like
y to be pressing on my nerves and causing me pain.
Hearing the consultant say "a lot of nodes with the disease in" panicked me even though this was not new information for me. I have always known this, yet today it cut through me.
He also asked me if I could feel a reduction in size of the tumours since my chemotherapy........I can't.
I have been checking on a daily basis knowing that I might feel them decrease in size.
I was examined today, but because it is hard to tell through examination alone, they have decided to scan me in two weeks to see if I have responded to the treatment. If not they won't continue with the EC chemotherapy and will move onto the next regime.
I hadn't really considered that the cancer might not respond to treatment. So if it isn't responding, what if in this time the cancer is getting bigger or spreading? What if it doesn't respond to the next regime? In a split second my biggest fears of spread or no cure came flooding back. I wasn't expecting this today. I also walked away with so many questions that I didn't even ask.
I wish now I had taken someone with me to this appointment. Thankfully I knew close friends and colleagues were working on the ward and were able to be my shoulder to cry on. The chemotherapy is hard enough, now I feel like I might find out it's pointless.
I discussed my pain with colleagues from the symptom management team and we agreed that whilst having my treatment tomorrow they would visit me to discuss the pain and alter the type of pain relief that I am having. Again something that seemed to confirm that cancer is taking over my body right now.
It it was so lovely to see everyone on the ward but hard as I miss it so much. It was also very emotional as it was Katie's last day before she starts her new job as a practice nurse. I can remember interviewing her 8 years ago and since then she has become a close friend, I will be sad not to work with her again.
My friend from back home travelled up to be with me for my treatment tomorrow. I have never been happier to see her, although I don't think I showed this. She has been through everything with me over the years so I feel so much comfort when she is around. She has been my rock since the minute I found the lump.
She also came with some lovely gifts for me, Neil, Ava and Finn from all my lovely friends from back home.
Just before going to sleep tonight Ava cried. She asked me how long it would be until I would be better again. Will it be 3 weeks? Or 3 months mummy?. I told her it might be a year yet.
I knew this would upset her but I don't see the point in lying to her. She asked me if I would die and told me she just wants things to be back to how they were and mummy be better. What could I say? I just hugged her and said so do I.
I had a good cry with Neil and was able to talk about all my fears and felt better for it. He is amazing for how strong he is being for me and the kids. I do worry about who he talks to about it all.
So 3 weeks has past and tomorrow I have cycle 2 of my chemotherapy. I had to attend the hospital today to have blood tests and have a review by my consultant to check that I am OK to go ahead with the next treatment.
I don't have great veins so getting my blood wasn't so easy - I wonder whether I will end up needing a line in to complete my treatment. Something I would rather avoid right now with having small children at home and the risk of infection.
I had taken Finn with me, because this is a straight forward appointment and I don't want to exhaust my childcare, or miss more time with him. I don't think he thought this was one of his better days out, apart from when we visited my ward and he enjoyed the attention and the cakes!
During the consultation we discussed how I felt after my last treatment and in a typical nurse style I found myself playing down my symptoms. I discussed my nausea, fatigue and problems sleeping.
I have no idea why I walked away and declined any medication to help me sleep. I hear my patients tell me all the time they are fed up of taking so many tablets, yet I always convince them to take more. Now I am that patient who already feels a bit fed of medication.
I wanted to know what the pain in my shoulder and arm was being caused by. It was explained to me that because I have a lot of lymph nodes with large areas of the cancer in they are like
y to be pressing on my nerves and causing me pain.
Hearing the consultant say "a lot of nodes with the disease in" panicked me even though this was not new information for me. I have always known this, yet today it cut through me.
He also asked me if I could feel a reduction in size of the tumours since my chemotherapy........I can't.
I have been checking on a daily basis knowing that I might feel them decrease in size.
I was examined today, but because it is hard to tell through examination alone, they have decided to scan me in two weeks to see if I have responded to the treatment. If not they won't continue with the EC chemotherapy and will move onto the next regime.
I hadn't really considered that the cancer might not respond to treatment. So if it isn't responding, what if in this time the cancer is getting bigger or spreading? What if it doesn't respond to the next regime? In a split second my biggest fears of spread or no cure came flooding back. I wasn't expecting this today. I also walked away with so many questions that I didn't even ask.
I wish now I had taken someone with me to this appointment. Thankfully I knew close friends and colleagues were working on the ward and were able to be my shoulder to cry on. The chemotherapy is hard enough, now I feel like I might find out it's pointless.
I discussed my pain with colleagues from the symptom management team and we agreed that whilst having my treatment tomorrow they would visit me to discuss the pain and alter the type of pain relief that I am having. Again something that seemed to confirm that cancer is taking over my body right now.
It it was so lovely to see everyone on the ward but hard as I miss it so much. It was also very emotional as it was Katie's last day before she starts her new job as a practice nurse. I can remember interviewing her 8 years ago and since then she has become a close friend, I will be sad not to work with her again.
My friend from back home travelled up to be with me for my treatment tomorrow. I have never been happier to see her, although I don't think I showed this. She has been through everything with me over the years so I feel so much comfort when she is around. She has been my rock since the minute I found the lump.
She also came with some lovely gifts for me, Neil, Ava and Finn from all my lovely friends from back home.
Just before going to sleep tonight Ava cried. She asked me how long it would be until I would be better again. Will it be 3 weeks? Or 3 months mummy?. I told her it might be a year yet.
I knew this would upset her but I don't see the point in lying to her. She asked me if I would die and told me she just wants things to be back to how they were and mummy be better. What could I say? I just hugged her and said so do I.
I had a good cry with Neil and was able to talk about all my fears and felt better for it. He is amazing for how strong he is being for me and the kids. I do worry about who he talks to about it all.
Monday 20th June 2016
We were sad to have to pack up and leave after a great weekend. Despite some dodgy weather we have had fun especially the kids. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful and supportive family.
I broke up the long journey home by stopping at mum and dads and having an afternoon of sleep, before having tea and coming back to Warrington.
It was nice to be home and see Neil.
We were sad to have to pack up and leave after a great weekend. Despite some dodgy weather we have had fun especially the kids. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful and supportive family.
I broke up the long journey home by stopping at mum and dads and having an afternoon of sleep, before having tea and coming back to Warrington.
It was nice to be home and see Neil.
Sunday 19th June 2016
Finally a good nights sleep and I feel so much better for it!
It rained the majority of the day, but with it being Father's Day, we had already planned to go on a steam train. We also managed a visit to the clay mining museum with an underground tunnel that the kids loved and more fun at the fair and arcades.
Finn is cutting some of his back teeth so has been unsettled all day and night, it has also made him very clingy. another sleepless night.
Finally a good nights sleep and I feel so much better for it!
It rained the majority of the day, but with it being Father's Day, we had already planned to go on a steam train. We also managed a visit to the clay mining museum with an underground tunnel that the kids loved and more fun at the fair and arcades.
Finn is cutting some of his back teeth so has been unsettled all day and night, it has also made him very clingy. another sleepless night.
Saturday 18th June 2016
We had a great morning down on Swanage beach, I had enjoyed a nice walk down with my brother and sister in law.
Finn had his first paddle in the sea and he loved it. So much so that if he had his way, he would have been in it up to his waist. We had just enough time to build a sandcastle before the rain kicked in.
We had an ice cream and had fun on the fair and in the arcades.
I felt too tired to walk back so I went in the car, I had promised Ava we could go swimming so I wanted to make sure I could have energy to do that. She was so proud to show me her swimming without armbands and Finn loved watching her jump in.
After another night of only 4 hours sleep, cancer got the better of my emotions today.
Every time we were having fun and creating great memories, I couldn't shake off the negative thoughts. I kept wondering if I would get to do some of these things again.
I know I need to be positive and focus on cure, but some days I just can't always do that. As a breast cancer survivor described, it's like someone taps on your shoulder and asks "what do you think your doing enjoying yourself? don't forget, you've got cancer". Sometimes the happiest things right now end up making me feel very sad.
I have always been in control of most things in my life, the feeling of the loss of control right now is very difficult to deal with.
We had a great morning down on Swanage beach, I had enjoyed a nice walk down with my brother and sister in law.
Finn had his first paddle in the sea and he loved it. So much so that if he had his way, he would have been in it up to his waist. We had just enough time to build a sandcastle before the rain kicked in.
We had an ice cream and had fun on the fair and in the arcades.
I felt too tired to walk back so I went in the car, I had promised Ava we could go swimming so I wanted to make sure I could have energy to do that. She was so proud to show me her swimming without armbands and Finn loved watching her jump in.
After another night of only 4 hours sleep, cancer got the better of my emotions today.
Every time we were having fun and creating great memories, I couldn't shake off the negative thoughts. I kept wondering if I would get to do some of these things again.
I know I need to be positive and focus on cure, but some days I just can't always do that. As a breast cancer survivor described, it's like someone taps on your shoulder and asks "what do you think your doing enjoying yourself? don't forget, you've got cancer". Sometimes the happiest things right now end up making me feel very sad.
I have always been in control of most things in my life, the feeling of the loss of control right now is very difficult to deal with.
Friday 17th June 2016
This evening I am writing this blog sat outside the caravan enjoyed the sun. We have just been for a lovely family meal at the pub onsite. The scenery around here is beautiful, again I am appreciating nature at its best.
It has rained for the majority of the day but we didn't let that put us off having fun at a local farm. The children enjoyed playing on tractors and go carts, grooming the horse and petting the farm animals.
Once back everyone went for swim at the site swimming pool. This was apart from me and Dad.
With both of us being unable to sleep last night we took advantage of a rest and a sleep.
I seem to struggle most nights sleeping, I feel tired but lie awake. I have read that this is very common and a lot of people lie awake thinking or worrying. I can honestly say that I don't lie awake worrying about anything. I literally was lying wide awake trying to work out which breathing/snoring was commingfromwhich child?!
Sometimes I still forget that there is anything wrong with me. I might be tired sometimes and I am still getting some shoulder pain but otherwise I feel fine. I have stopped worrying too much about what the future holds I am dealing with the here and now and making the most of enjoying that time.
Medically I feel I am in the best hands possible and have to just embrace the rest of the treatment.
This evening I am writing this blog sat outside the caravan enjoyed the sun. We have just been for a lovely family meal at the pub onsite. The scenery around here is beautiful, again I am appreciating nature at its best.
It has rained for the majority of the day but we didn't let that put us off having fun at a local farm. The children enjoyed playing on tractors and go carts, grooming the horse and petting the farm animals.
Once back everyone went for swim at the site swimming pool. This was apart from me and Dad.
With both of us being unable to sleep last night we took advantage of a rest and a sleep.
I seem to struggle most nights sleeping, I feel tired but lie awake. I have read that this is very common and a lot of people lie awake thinking or worrying. I can honestly say that I don't lie awake worrying about anything. I literally was lying wide awake trying to work out which breathing/snoring was commingfromwhich child?!
Sometimes I still forget that there is anything wrong with me. I might be tired sometimes and I am still getting some shoulder pain but otherwise I feel fine. I have stopped worrying too much about what the future holds I am dealing with the here and now and making the most of enjoying that time.
Medically I feel I am in the best hands possible and have to just embrace the rest of the treatment.
Thursday 15th June 2016
Today should have been Ava's sports day but 10 minutes before it started to rain and it was called off. At least it meant that I could get everything packed up to go away for the weekend to Swanage. We are borrowing a friends 6 birth campervan and with my brothers tent as well 8 of us are having a long weekend away.
Originally it was just my mum and dad, my brother and sister in law and nephew but they have been kind to let us tag along. It will be a nice break for me and the kids before my next lot of chemotherapy.
Sadly Neil has to work and so we will be leaving him at home.
With mum and dad taking Finn home with them yesterday it was just me and Ava travelling down. She was great company for me on the 5 hour trip and with a lot of singing, sugar and red bull we got down there in one piece. I was a bit worried about about how I would cope with the journey but I managed fine.
Today should have been Ava's sports day but 10 minutes before it started to rain and it was called off. At least it meant that I could get everything packed up to go away for the weekend to Swanage. We are borrowing a friends 6 birth campervan and with my brothers tent as well 8 of us are having a long weekend away.
Originally it was just my mum and dad, my brother and sister in law and nephew but they have been kind to let us tag along. It will be a nice break for me and the kids before my next lot of chemotherapy.
Sadly Neil has to work and so we will be leaving him at home.
With mum and dad taking Finn home with them yesterday it was just me and Ava travelling down. She was great company for me on the 5 hour trip and with a lot of singing, sugar and red bull we got down there in one piece. I was a bit worried about about how I would cope with the journey but I managed fine.
Wednesday 15th June 2016
Today we were up at the hospital for Neil. He has an immune disorder which leads to him getting bouts of gout and arthritis usually after picking up an infection. His medications have been altered and is due more tests, we have a good plan in place for dealing with the next flare up should there be one.
It was nice to be able to go with Neil to his appointment as I am usually working and for us to be talking about someone else for a change.
After tea mum and dad took Finn back with them to Oxford ready for our weekend away.
Today I enjoyed catching up with friends and discussing other people's ailments and problems it made me feel useful again.
Today we were up at the hospital for Neil. He has an immune disorder which leads to him getting bouts of gout and arthritis usually after picking up an infection. His medications have been altered and is due more tests, we have a good plan in place for dealing with the next flare up should there be one.
It was nice to be able to go with Neil to his appointment as I am usually working and for us to be talking about someone else for a change.
After tea mum and dad took Finn back with them to Oxford ready for our weekend away.
Today I enjoyed catching up with friends and discussing other people's ailments and problems it made me feel useful again.
Tuesday 14th June 2016
So today I can tell that we did a lot yesterday by tea time I was totally and utterly drained. I also had quite a lot of aches and pains but today I don't care it was all totally worth it.
But we did start the day by an hours walk around London and back to the train station. I really enjoyed it and was back to loving my Fitbit I did 15,500 steps in total! It reassured me that I can be active in between treatments just maybe not running.
We had lunch before getting the train back and spent the whole journey discussing work - I'm sure something most people wouldn't enjoy but I did.
So today I can tell that we did a lot yesterday by tea time I was totally and utterly drained. I also had quite a lot of aches and pains but today I don't care it was all totally worth it.
But we did start the day by an hours walk around London and back to the train station. I really enjoyed it and was back to loving my Fitbit I did 15,500 steps in total! It reassured me that I can be active in between treatments just maybe not running.
We had lunch before getting the train back and spent the whole journey discussing work - I'm sure something most people wouldn't enjoy but I did.
Monday 13th June 2016
The day arrived that I have been waiting for since having my chemotherapy, a day I was determined I would be well enough for.
For months (or even years) we had been talking about doing a London theatre trip, and just the day before I was diagnosed we finalised our booking. I knew then I was taking a risk booking it.
The 3 of us met at Manchester train station, excited like little kids and got the train into London. Since working together we have all been through a lot together and developed a great friendship, one where we share the love of musicals and thinking we could actually be in one!
We saw a bit of London whilst eating and drinking in various places and had the most amazing cocktails which came recommended by a friend!
We then went to the Queens theatre to watch Les Miserables. It was absolutely amazing!
By far one of my favourite musicals!
Afterwards we found a bar near by with live band on and one drink turned into a few and a lot of dancing.
I had a well needed fantastic break. I find that this whole experience is really making me appreciate things even more and seize every moment.
I was quite tired as I had only got 3 hours sleep the night before night and I also keep being ridiculously hot all the time. But I felt that I was back in the driving seat and didn't let cancer take control.
It was a great way to perk me up after my first cycle and I decided that between each cycle it would be a great idea to have something to plan towards and look forward too.
The day arrived that I have been waiting for since having my chemotherapy, a day I was determined I would be well enough for.
For months (or even years) we had been talking about doing a London theatre trip, and just the day before I was diagnosed we finalised our booking. I knew then I was taking a risk booking it.
The 3 of us met at Manchester train station, excited like little kids and got the train into London. Since working together we have all been through a lot together and developed a great friendship, one where we share the love of musicals and thinking we could actually be in one!
We saw a bit of London whilst eating and drinking in various places and had the most amazing cocktails which came recommended by a friend!
We then went to the Queens theatre to watch Les Miserables. It was absolutely amazing!
By far one of my favourite musicals!
Afterwards we found a bar near by with live band on and one drink turned into a few and a lot of dancing.
I had a well needed fantastic break. I find that this whole experience is really making me appreciate things even more and seize every moment.
I was quite tired as I had only got 3 hours sleep the night before night and I also keep being ridiculously hot all the time. But I felt that I was back in the driving seat and didn't let cancer take control.
It was a great way to perk me up after my first cycle and I decided that between each cycle it would be a great idea to have something to plan towards and look forward too.
Saturday 11th June 2016
So when your really, really tired at 2am but you can't sleep what do you do? Update your blog of course!
Today I am a super proud mum as Ava won "Twinkle toes" at her dance classes.
On a Saturday she goes to swimming lessons, then competition dance, then tap and ballet and then street dance. She was awarded this due to her concentration and effort into her dance and she was absolutely made up. She is one determined girl and works so hard to get rewards. Her face when she got that was a definitely a memory photo for me.
Poynton band were due to be playing at party in the park in Poynton. I am not playing at the moment so we were going with Neil to watch and enjoy it from the other side. Unfortunately all the rain meant that the event had to be cancelled.
Taking advantage of babysitters me and Neil went to watch the England match at the pub. It was really nice to get out but I feel so tired and as soon as it finished I went home to bed.
The blog has now put me in touch with a few people going through similar treatments. It's nice to be able to compare stories with people and discuss the different ways that they are tackling the side effects. You would think as a nurse in cancer I would have all the tips, but I am learning quick that I have a lot more to learn.
By connecting with these people it is also making me realise that others are responding in the same way to treatment and I am not just being pathetic.
So when your really, really tired at 2am but you can't sleep what do you do? Update your blog of course!
Today I am a super proud mum as Ava won "Twinkle toes" at her dance classes.
On a Saturday she goes to swimming lessons, then competition dance, then tap and ballet and then street dance. She was awarded this due to her concentration and effort into her dance and she was absolutely made up. She is one determined girl and works so hard to get rewards. Her face when she got that was a definitely a memory photo for me.
Poynton band were due to be playing at party in the park in Poynton. I am not playing at the moment so we were going with Neil to watch and enjoy it from the other side. Unfortunately all the rain meant that the event had to be cancelled.
Taking advantage of babysitters me and Neil went to watch the England match at the pub. It was really nice to get out but I feel so tired and as soon as it finished I went home to bed.
The blog has now put me in touch with a few people going through similar treatments. It's nice to be able to compare stories with people and discuss the different ways that they are tackling the side effects. You would think as a nurse in cancer I would have all the tips, but I am learning quick that I have a lot more to learn.
By connecting with these people it is also making me realise that others are responding in the same way to treatment and I am not just being pathetic.
Friday 10th June 2016
Today I am feeling a bit more human!
All round it was a pretty uneventful day. We were all off but spent most of the day doing bits at home. I did enjoy taking Ava to the library and reading her Roald Dahl's the Twits. I remember reading this when I was younger and I found it just as funny now.
Mum and Dad travelled up from Oxford to spend some days up here so it was lovely to see them.
Today I am feeling a bit more human!
All round it was a pretty uneventful day. We were all off but spent most of the day doing bits at home. I did enjoy taking Ava to the library and reading her Roald Dahl's the Twits. I remember reading this when I was younger and I found it just as funny now.
Mum and Dad travelled up from Oxford to spend some days up here so it was lovely to see them.
Thursday 9th June 2016
I'm told that it is not wrong for me to say that I enjoyed a bit of time without the kids today. I love them dearly but when I can't fulfil my mother role to its full extent right now it frustrates me and I become very grumpy. I was also beginning to see Ava get fed up. Sometimes we are far too similar and we beneifit from time apart.
They had a great afternoon and evening with family where they got all the attention they needed.
I had a trip to the shop and a sleep.....................
The highlight of my day was covering myself and the kitchen in a smoothie. Clearly I could not follow simple instructions on how to use my new blender!
The other highlight was finding out that I had managed to make a very close friend cry with my blog. Now I know this sounds bad and sadistic but we have been friends since babies and I seriously don't think I have ever seen her cry I feel quite honoured. She will know who she is reading this but can my friends from back home guess?😘😘
I went to listen to a band rehearsal, sad that I wasn't really feeling up to playing but nice to see so many close friends.
I'm told that it is not wrong for me to say that I enjoyed a bit of time without the kids today. I love them dearly but when I can't fulfil my mother role to its full extent right now it frustrates me and I become very grumpy. I was also beginning to see Ava get fed up. Sometimes we are far too similar and we beneifit from time apart.
They had a great afternoon and evening with family where they got all the attention they needed.
I had a trip to the shop and a sleep.....................
The highlight of my day was covering myself and the kitchen in a smoothie. Clearly I could not follow simple instructions on how to use my new blender!
The other highlight was finding out that I had managed to make a very close friend cry with my blog. Now I know this sounds bad and sadistic but we have been friends since babies and I seriously don't think I have ever seen her cry I feel quite honoured. She will know who she is reading this but can my friends from back home guess?😘😘
I went to listen to a band rehearsal, sad that I wasn't really feeling up to playing but nice to see so many close friends.
Wednesday 8th June 2016
I struggled with the heat today and entertaining my 5 year old (going on 25) daughter. I credit her creativity though, she decided that if she cleaned the sofas in the living room for me that would earn her two pound. Who was I to argue? They needed cleaning and she is very good at cleaning stuff. She pretended to be Cinderella - good game I thought!
As a treat we went to the park. Normally I am walking fast and checking in on my Fitbit all the way but not today. I have lost my love for my Fitbit all I could think about was getting home and drinking icy water.
I thought i was was much better today but by teatime I had a really bad headache and ended up in bed.
There was some good news today, I was delighted to hear that Trish, one of the fantastic Nursing Sisters at work has got the job acting as Senior Sister whilst I am off having treatment. It's a totally deserved position one which I know that she will be so good at. It might sound like a cliche but I take a lot of comfort in the fact that a team I care so much about will be really well looked after in my absence.
From a young age I always wanted to be a nurse, I wanted to help people get better.
I was that young girl that loved going into hospitals and loved the smell! However I never had a desire to go into nursing management. It was a temporary position that I went into due to someone else being treated for cancer (how ironic?!).
I always thought that nursing management would take me away from patient care but I soon realised how wrong I was.
It does mean that I am not directly nursing in the same way as before but I get to affect the overall nursing and experience that patients receive and this is what makes me happy. I love making changes and trying to improve things at a difficult time for patients.
I sometimes wonder how things will change after my experience of being the patient. I can only see this as something so positive. You can be much more empathetic when you have walked in a persons shoes.
I also love working and helping to develop a fantastic team of staff. It's at times like this that I realise how we are like family and really pull together to care and support each other. I miss them all a great deal!
This photo is very close to my heart, all nurses I have worked with for a long time and have been there to support me through lots of good and bad times. (Left - right) Sue, who sadly passed away to pancreatic cancer and inspired me as a mother, nurse and cancer patient. Trish, who is now holding the fort on ward 4 whilst I have treatment. Katie, who did a fantastic job at looking after ward 4 whilst I was on maternity leave and Denise, who has beaten cancer herself and continues to support and inspire.
Tuesday 7th June 2016
Different day but the same start to it as yesterday, peppa pig and antisickness tablets.
I decided to take Ava to the cinema after dropping Finn at nursery. It was somewhere I could feel rotten but not have to do anything, so that's what I did, felt rotten and fell asleep, even Alvin and the chipmunks couldn't keep me awake.
Although the sickness seems to be better I now feel really weak and every part of my body aches. The stronger dose of cocodamol from the GP has certainly been a god send today. Normally these aches and pains are as a result of me working out hard the night before or doing a long run. A pain that I use to quite enjoy because it meant that I had worked hard and would reap the beneifits. Now I have to think that if it's making me feel this bad hopefully it's doing the same to the cancer!
I am not sure if the pains are from the filgrastin injections working to boost my white blood cells or are part of the chemotherapy side effects. Either way I know I am entering the phase where I have to be careful not to pick up an infection.
Being a nurse has helped me to get a good immune system so picking up infections is not something I usually have to worry about. I know that right now it is out of my hands and I need to avoid anyone with any sign of infection. This is easier said then done when you have a toddler at nursery and one at school. How can any mother avoid her children? infection or not? But how does any mother know her child has any infection until it's too late? I will just keep my fingers crossed that the fact it is summer, luck will be on my side.
I attempted to mow the lawn today and ended up pretty much collapsed in a chair. Like my dad I learn the hard way. I pushed myself too far and didn't listen to advice from anyone else. I was very grateful to my mother in law who knows not to trust me and came round to hunt down the washing that needs doing.
Different day but the same start to it as yesterday, peppa pig and antisickness tablets.
I decided to take Ava to the cinema after dropping Finn at nursery. It was somewhere I could feel rotten but not have to do anything, so that's what I did, felt rotten and fell asleep, even Alvin and the chipmunks couldn't keep me awake.
Although the sickness seems to be better I now feel really weak and every part of my body aches. The stronger dose of cocodamol from the GP has certainly been a god send today. Normally these aches and pains are as a result of me working out hard the night before or doing a long run. A pain that I use to quite enjoy because it meant that I had worked hard and would reap the beneifits. Now I have to think that if it's making me feel this bad hopefully it's doing the same to the cancer!
I am not sure if the pains are from the filgrastin injections working to boost my white blood cells or are part of the chemotherapy side effects. Either way I know I am entering the phase where I have to be careful not to pick up an infection.
Being a nurse has helped me to get a good immune system so picking up infections is not something I usually have to worry about. I know that right now it is out of my hands and I need to avoid anyone with any sign of infection. This is easier said then done when you have a toddler at nursery and one at school. How can any mother avoid her children? infection or not? But how does any mother know her child has any infection until it's too late? I will just keep my fingers crossed that the fact it is summer, luck will be on my side.
I attempted to mow the lawn today and ended up pretty much collapsed in a chair. Like my dad I learn the hard way. I pushed myself too far and didn't listen to advice from anyone else. I was very grateful to my mother in law who knows not to trust me and came round to hunt down the washing that needs doing.
Monday 6th June
Neil was back to work today and sadly Finn doesn't understand that mummy isn't very well. So normal service resumes peppa pig on the iPad until Ava wakes. This gave me enough time to take my tablets and contemplate the day.
I can't do 'ill' or 'rest' very well so I was grateful for an invite to a friends where Ava could play with other children and I could mope somewhere else.
Im still feeling sickly and drained. Taking after my dad I'm impatient and I expected to feel better by now even though I have been told by a number of people that I shouldn't expect to feel better for at least a week.
I had to cancel our summer holiday to Weymouth because my chemotherapy is due the same week. Something that upsets me and I know will upset Ava. It was a destination we had picked together one I have fond memories of as a child and was really looking forward to as a family. I know we can plan others and go again but it doesn't stop me feeling angry.
Angry that cancer is stopping me live right now, stopping me strive for my goals and ambitions.
But someone was looking out for me today. A previous work colleague offered us a week away in their caravan by the sea. I am very grateful to the kindness of this gesture and reminded myself to stop being angry and get on with living for now.
Neil was back to work today and sadly Finn doesn't understand that mummy isn't very well. So normal service resumes peppa pig on the iPad until Ava wakes. This gave me enough time to take my tablets and contemplate the day.
I can't do 'ill' or 'rest' very well so I was grateful for an invite to a friends where Ava could play with other children and I could mope somewhere else.
Im still feeling sickly and drained. Taking after my dad I'm impatient and I expected to feel better by now even though I have been told by a number of people that I shouldn't expect to feel better for at least a week.
I had to cancel our summer holiday to Weymouth because my chemotherapy is due the same week. Something that upsets me and I know will upset Ava. It was a destination we had picked together one I have fond memories of as a child and was really looking forward to as a family. I know we can plan others and go again but it doesn't stop me feeling angry.
Angry that cancer is stopping me live right now, stopping me strive for my goals and ambitions.
But someone was looking out for me today. A previous work colleague offered us a week away in their caravan by the sea. I am very grateful to the kindness of this gesture and reminded myself to stop being angry and get on with living for now.
Sunday 5th June 2016
Boring blog alert!!!!!!!
Today I did nothing whilst the rest of the world enjoyed the sun. I slept, I attempted to eat and drink, and I took more tablets and my injection to boost my white cell count.
I have to admit I felt a bit angry that I couldn't be enjoying the sun with the family. I am not a person that sits doing nothing.........until now.
Boring blog alert!!!!!!!
Today I did nothing whilst the rest of the world enjoyed the sun. I slept, I attempted to eat and drink, and I took more tablets and my injection to boost my white cell count.
I have to admit I felt a bit angry that I couldn't be enjoying the sun with the family. I am not a person that sits doing nothing.........until now.
Saturday 4th June 2016
So I wake up feeling like I have a bad hangover only I am quick to remember that I haven't had the fun night that goes before it.
I feel really sickly, woozy and tired and really quite pathetic. I convince myself that as soon as I have taken all the anti sickness and steroids I will feel much better and be able to do stuff. Little did I know that those tiny tablets that my patients swollen day in and day out are so disgusting and difficult to get down!
Eating and drinking is a chore. Although my close friends know that secretly I welcome some weight loss in this process. I really have to push myself to drink and all the time I hear myself bullying patients into drinking and realising it really isn't that easy! It's also just as well that I have nursing friends reminding me to take the extra anti sickness.
I'm sad that I can't take Ava swimming and dancing but she helps me to remember that it won't be like this always. I promise her lots that we can do on my good days.
Right now my comfort is seeing my smiling family and getting lots of cuddles. I've been introduced to ginger and lemon tea which helps and I love all my nice candles and moisturiser smells.
As the day goes on I realise that I have underestimated what so many of my patients go through all this time. When you feel like this and it's self inflicted or it's a bug you don't worry about when it will happen again (because part of it you can control). With chemotherapy you know that you have this again in 3 weeks time and will do for some time.
All day I want to 'man up' but I can't a trip to the local shop floored me. So unlike me I am taking the advice of so many wonderful friends and family and I'm giving into my body and resting. I keep thinking that at least I know the treatment must be trying to evict the intruder in my body. I now feel more like I have cancer.
So I wake up feeling like I have a bad hangover only I am quick to remember that I haven't had the fun night that goes before it.
I feel really sickly, woozy and tired and really quite pathetic. I convince myself that as soon as I have taken all the anti sickness and steroids I will feel much better and be able to do stuff. Little did I know that those tiny tablets that my patients swollen day in and day out are so disgusting and difficult to get down!
Eating and drinking is a chore. Although my close friends know that secretly I welcome some weight loss in this process. I really have to push myself to drink and all the time I hear myself bullying patients into drinking and realising it really isn't that easy! It's also just as well that I have nursing friends reminding me to take the extra anti sickness.
I'm sad that I can't take Ava swimming and dancing but she helps me to remember that it won't be like this always. I promise her lots that we can do on my good days.
Right now my comfort is seeing my smiling family and getting lots of cuddles. I've been introduced to ginger and lemon tea which helps and I love all my nice candles and moisturiser smells.
As the day goes on I realise that I have underestimated what so many of my patients go through all this time. When you feel like this and it's self inflicted or it's a bug you don't worry about when it will happen again (because part of it you can control). With chemotherapy you know that you have this again in 3 weeks time and will do for some time.
All day I want to 'man up' but I can't a trip to the local shop floored me. So unlike me I am taking the advice of so many wonderful friends and family and I'm giving into my body and resting. I keep thinking that at least I know the treatment must be trying to evict the intruder in my body. I now feel more like I have cancer.
Friday 3rd June 2016 (Happy Birthday bro - as usual I have stolen the limelight😜)
One down and five to go!
I received first class caring and compassionate nursing from the treatment centre today and made all the more easier by so many friendly faces. I am so proud to work there.
I kind of feel like I'm going through it as an experiment to help my nursing and it's not really happening to me - if only.......is this the denial stage? Don't think I have hit that stage yet.
The cold cap was everything they said it would be 15 minutes was really tough and painful, like head freeze when drinking an icy drink too fast. Then it was a bit uncomfortable but manageable. I had to have it on 30 minutes before the chemotherapy and 90 minutes after (I would post a photo but I am not feeling that brave yet).
My lovely nurse kept me at ease by talking with me all the way through and having visitors mean that my time went quick, I didn't even get to hear much of my playlist! I had a little giggle at my red urine.
We stopped off to get some treats but they are pretty much untouched right now. I'm feeling a bit woozy when I do anything and have a headache. I would say I feel slightly sick and don't want to drink or eat much but thanks to two colleagues I have taken their advice and taken some more antisickness.
The children returned from a day trip with Finn's god mother and they all looked like they had a great day.
The rest will be spent in bed or on the sofa. It's a job to know how much I feel sorry for myself or how affected I feel by the treatment.
One down and five to go!
I received first class caring and compassionate nursing from the treatment centre today and made all the more easier by so many friendly faces. I am so proud to work there.
I kind of feel like I'm going through it as an experiment to help my nursing and it's not really happening to me - if only.......is this the denial stage? Don't think I have hit that stage yet.
The cold cap was everything they said it would be 15 minutes was really tough and painful, like head freeze when drinking an icy drink too fast. Then it was a bit uncomfortable but manageable. I had to have it on 30 minutes before the chemotherapy and 90 minutes after (I would post a photo but I am not feeling that brave yet).
My lovely nurse kept me at ease by talking with me all the way through and having visitors mean that my time went quick, I didn't even get to hear much of my playlist! I had a little giggle at my red urine.
We stopped off to get some treats but they are pretty much untouched right now. I'm feeling a bit woozy when I do anything and have a headache. I would say I feel slightly sick and don't want to drink or eat much but thanks to two colleagues I have taken their advice and taken some more antisickness.
The children returned from a day trip with Finn's god mother and they all looked like they had a great day.
The rest will be spent in bed or on the sofa. It's a job to know how much I feel sorry for myself or how affected I feel by the treatment.
Thursday 2nd June 2016
The pressure is on now that I have discovered there are several people reading this! I really thought that this wouldn't be of much interest other than to my mum and dad and maybe a few family or people I work with.
I haven't blogged for a few days and mainly because I was enjoying time with friends and family and pretending this wasn't all happening. I feel like it's my last days of freedom before the treatment begins and I become a prisoner to cancer.
I enjoyed a lot of good food and drink and had lots of laughs with friends. We had some lovely family time including a very wet day out to London.
I caught up with so many friends and family and I feel a little exhausted now.
Having a hairdresser for a best friend is also very helpful right now especially as the thing that upsets Ava the most is me loosing my hair. We decided to cut my hair shorter in preparations for Ava's fears will be my motivation as I try to tolerate the cold cap when having chemotherapy on Friday.
I was back at The Christie today for more preparations before having chemotherapy tomorrow. I so badly wanted to be walking in, in my uniform I felt like a bit of a stranger to the place which made me feel sad.
I had an echocardiogram which is an ultrasound of my heart. I was informed that this is due to the Herceptin as this can damage the heart. It's reassuring to hear that they monitor my heart throughout the treatment.. As scary as it is to think that I can have some lasting damage to my heart right now the benefits of this treatment really do outweigh the risk of the side effects.
A lot of people know that in the past year I have become the fittest I have been in years, running and eating well and being totally obsessed with my Fitbit! I have to admit that I still feel a bit cheated that despite all this hard work I still have cancer! But thinking positively maybe this has put my heart in better condition to withstand the treatment? Let's hope so.
I signed by consent for chemotherapy and was delighted to hear the consultant say that he had reviewed my scans with the radiologist at Christie and there was no spread outside of my lymph glands.
I cleaned the house from top to bottom and changed the beds......I am now ready for this!
The pressure is on now that I have discovered there are several people reading this! I really thought that this wouldn't be of much interest other than to my mum and dad and maybe a few family or people I work with.
I haven't blogged for a few days and mainly because I was enjoying time with friends and family and pretending this wasn't all happening. I feel like it's my last days of freedom before the treatment begins and I become a prisoner to cancer.
I enjoyed a lot of good food and drink and had lots of laughs with friends. We had some lovely family time including a very wet day out to London.
I caught up with so many friends and family and I feel a little exhausted now.
Having a hairdresser for a best friend is also very helpful right now especially as the thing that upsets Ava the most is me loosing my hair. We decided to cut my hair shorter in preparations for Ava's fears will be my motivation as I try to tolerate the cold cap when having chemotherapy on Friday.
I was back at The Christie today for more preparations before having chemotherapy tomorrow. I so badly wanted to be walking in, in my uniform I felt like a bit of a stranger to the place which made me feel sad.
I had an echocardiogram which is an ultrasound of my heart. I was informed that this is due to the Herceptin as this can damage the heart. It's reassuring to hear that they monitor my heart throughout the treatment.. As scary as it is to think that I can have some lasting damage to my heart right now the benefits of this treatment really do outweigh the risk of the side effects.
A lot of people know that in the past year I have become the fittest I have been in years, running and eating well and being totally obsessed with my Fitbit! I have to admit that I still feel a bit cheated that despite all this hard work I still have cancer! But thinking positively maybe this has put my heart in better condition to withstand the treatment? Let's hope so.
I signed by consent for chemotherapy and was delighted to hear the consultant say that he had reviewed my scans with the radiologist at Christie and there was no spread outside of my lymph glands.
I cleaned the house from top to bottom and changed the beds......I am now ready for this!
The five stages of grief
All my friends and colleagues in healthcare will remember learning about the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Also about how people search for meaning when faced with a life changeing event like this.
I can honestly say that I have gone through all of this in the past three weeks. I have asked why me? What have I done to deserve this? Is it because I haven't been making enough time to look after myself recently. Is it gods way or natures way of shaking me up and making me look after myself better? Spending more time with my family? A reminder that I shouldn't take these things for granted?. Or is it because I am a strong person that can get through this?. It certainly makes you sit back and reflect on life and faith.
As a nurse I wasn't really sure I believed that i would be a person that ever searched for meaning but how wrong was I?.
I have been very angry at times. I might walk to the shop and I am angry with everyone I see living there life normally with no cancer. I am angry with those that know some of the activies that lead to cancer yet still continue to do them. I am angry with those that do wrong by people or society and don't get this rotten disease. I'm certainly not a perfect human being but I always want to do right by people and help in any way i can.
I believe that over the last few days I have begun to accept what's happening, I can't change it so I have to pick myself up and get on with it. I have to do my best to keep a healthy mind and body and get through this treatment. I am determined that this experience will be another one that makes me stronger as a person and will make me live my life to the full.
All my friends and colleagues in healthcare will remember learning about the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Also about how people search for meaning when faced with a life changeing event like this.
I can honestly say that I have gone through all of this in the past three weeks. I have asked why me? What have I done to deserve this? Is it because I haven't been making enough time to look after myself recently. Is it gods way or natures way of shaking me up and making me look after myself better? Spending more time with my family? A reminder that I shouldn't take these things for granted?. Or is it because I am a strong person that can get through this?. It certainly makes you sit back and reflect on life and faith.
As a nurse I wasn't really sure I believed that i would be a person that ever searched for meaning but how wrong was I?.
I have been very angry at times. I might walk to the shop and I am angry with everyone I see living there life normally with no cancer. I am angry with those that know some of the activies that lead to cancer yet still continue to do them. I am angry with those that do wrong by people or society and don't get this rotten disease. I'm certainly not a perfect human being but I always want to do right by people and help in any way i can.
I believe that over the last few days I have begun to accept what's happening, I can't change it so I have to pick myself up and get on with it. I have to do my best to keep a healthy mind and body and get through this treatment. I am determined that this experience will be another one that makes me stronger as a person and will make me live my life to the full.
Sunday 29th May 2016
Today was more family fun in the sun! We took the kids to the park, had a picnic and played in the sprinklers.
These two are my world and something I am so very very proud about. Right now I feel determined that I won't let cancer take over my life. I want to make sure for my family that when I am well we make the most of time, this time last week I worried about what time I would have left if things had spread further.
Its funny how this experience has made me notice and appreciate things more, fresh air, blue sky, happy families and good friends! (See I told you that there were positives from cancer).
Today was more family fun in the sun! We took the kids to the park, had a picnic and played in the sprinklers.
These two are my world and something I am so very very proud about. Right now I feel determined that I won't let cancer take over my life. I want to make sure for my family that when I am well we make the most of time, this time last week I worried about what time I would have left if things had spread further.
Its funny how this experience has made me notice and appreciate things more, fresh air, blue sky, happy families and good friends! (See I told you that there were positives from cancer).
Saturday 28th May 2016
Whilst my parents looked after the children me and Neil had a day of fun with friends - it's a job to know when I will feel up to days out with a few drinks again.
We were joined by three very special friends of ours who had one intention of the day and that was to make me smile and have fun and that we did!
We did a little bit of shopping and then had food and wine in the sun. Today there were no tears, this was quite possibly the first time in 3 weeks. We tried to find some positives about my cancer - trust me we actually found a couple.
I spent the evening with two close friends who have been through each part of this awful few weeks with me. We watched some very bizarre things on TV including a documentary about human pups - people that dress up and pretend to be puppies!! A must for anyone who doesn't know this exists.😮
Whilst my parents looked after the children me and Neil had a day of fun with friends - it's a job to know when I will feel up to days out with a few drinks again.
We were joined by three very special friends of ours who had one intention of the day and that was to make me smile and have fun and that we did!
We did a little bit of shopping and then had food and wine in the sun. Today there were no tears, this was quite possibly the first time in 3 weeks. We tried to find some positives about my cancer - trust me we actually found a couple.
I spent the evening with two close friends who have been through each part of this awful few weeks with me. We watched some very bizarre things on TV including a documentary about human pups - people that dress up and pretend to be puppies!! A must for anyone who doesn't know this exists.😮
Friday 27th May 2016
Today had become one of the most important days of my life sadly for all the wrong reasons. I would be getting the results of my bone scan, 2nd biopsy and full body CT scan to see if the cancer has spread outside of my body. I don't think I had managed to get much sleep at all.
Since realising it had already spread to my lymph glands I have been petrified that the pain that I have had in my arm and shoulder is from bone Mets and the persistent cough this last week has been from lung mets.
Waiting for the results I felt physically sick and could feel my heart racing. I sat in the waiting room and all I could concentrate on was breathing and not being sick! We sat in silence as nothing seemed appropriate to talk about right now.
The consultant was running late so my breast care nurse took me into a private (pink😬) room to put me out of my misery. I was told that the bone scan and CT scan were clear for signs of cancer, however it did show some inflammation on my lung which they think is infection. They want to re scan me in 3 months time.
As someone that 'works in the business' I know that they want to repeat it in case it is early stages of cancer, because if it's infection it should be gone by then.
The surgeon and consultant both agreed that the best course of action would be to have chemotherapy followed by surgery and then I would be able to be considered for primary reconstruction at the time of surgery. The idea of giving me chemotherapy first would be to try and catch any cells that might have moved from the primary site to stop them developing and spreading further.
True to their word the team at Warrington hospital had referred me across to Christie Hospiatl and had copies of all my results to give to them.
I was seen at The Christie hospital this afternoon. They described the chemotherapy that I would be having, the intentions of giving it and the side effects I might get.
I would have have chemotherapy as an outpatient, one day every 3 weeks. It will be 6 cycles in total.
The first 3 cycles will be epirubicin and cyclophosphamide and the last 3 weeks will be docetaxel. After this I will need Herceptin injections for a year and tamoxifen tablets.
The main side effects include infection, menopause symptoms, hair loss, sore mouth, sickness, lethargy, bladder irritation, diarrhoea, hand and feet neuropathy, joint and muscle pain, skin and taste changes. Most of these are things I am use to seeing in patients so I don't feel too scared about them. It's the risk of picking up infections that's the worst and something that having two young children around will be hard to avoid.
Once I have completed the chemotherapy I can then go on to have my surgery. It's only at this point I will know if I will then need radiotherapy.
Everyone was as I had expected, amazing.
I knew as I walked out of work last Wednesday that the next time I walked through the doors I would be a patient. It was a very strange experience and one I found quite emotional. I wanted to be back on my ward looking after the patients and staff. I feel like I will never moan about going to work again. It was nice to see some of my he staff but again a bit emotional.
I was started on antibiotics to try and clear the chest infection before I start chemotherapy next week. I was also pleased that they are going to get the radiologists at Christie to give an opinion on my Ct scan of my lungs.
As a family we drove down to Oxford to spend time with family and friends before I start treatment.
Thursday 26th May 2016
The cough seems worse today so I end up googling "chest infection or lung cancer" as if Google will put my mind at rest and have the answer. Seriously what did I expect to find?! So today I am convinced the cancer has spread to my lungs.
I had a full body CT scan. I had to arrive an hour before my scan to get a cannula and sit and drink the solution containing the dye. Very uneventful apart from the intravenous dye that makes you feel flushed all over and like you have just wet yourself!
The rest of the day involved keeping busy to try and forget the results that I will be getting tomorrow:-(
I received more gorgeous flowers. I did have to laugh as the man delivering commented on the amount of flowers he had delivered to this address "your having a nice long birthday celebration". I don't know what possessed me to reply with "no sadly not I have breast cancer!". Although he got the upper hand by replying "oh no my mum died of that two weeks ago and she hated flowers".
The cough seems worse today so I end up googling "chest infection or lung cancer" as if Google will put my mind at rest and have the answer. Seriously what did I expect to find?! So today I am convinced the cancer has spread to my lungs.
I had a full body CT scan. I had to arrive an hour before my scan to get a cannula and sit and drink the solution containing the dye. Very uneventful apart from the intravenous dye that makes you feel flushed all over and like you have just wet yourself!
The rest of the day involved keeping busy to try and forget the results that I will be getting tomorrow:-(
I received more gorgeous flowers. I did have to laugh as the man delivering commented on the amount of flowers he had delivered to this address "your having a nice long birthday celebration". I don't know what possessed me to reply with "no sadly not I have breast cancer!". Although he got the upper hand by replying "oh no my mum died of that two weeks ago and she hated flowers".
Wednesday 25th May 2016
Today I woke up feeling so exhausted. I think my mind must be working on overdrive through the night as well as the day!
My shoulder pain seems to be bad again today was that because I said it had been better? Am I over analysing things? Or is it bone mets? Or is it because I have the bone scan today?
I was up at the hospital again today for a bone scan. I had to arrive two hours before the scan for them to inject a dye into my veins. I wonder how scary all these things are when you are not use to a clinical setting to me it seems a bit second nature.
The scan itself was fine but a little claustrophobic. I had a bit of a tear lying there thinking the last time I was there I was pregnant with Finn and the doctors were concerned at the time I may have had a blood clot.
I find myself wishing I could turn back time - but why I don't know as I have no idea what I would have done different this seems to have come suddenly from nowhere. The question I get asked the most is......how long have you known about you lump? Just 4 weeks.
Today I realised how much I suddenly disliked the colour pink! It was always a colour I associated with princesses and little girls, now it's associated with breast cancer! Everything is pink! How dare cancer start to affect all these nice associations I have!
Tuesday 24th May 2016
I was back at the breast screening centre for a vacuum biopsy of the suspicious looking tissue that surrounds the tumour. I also went armed with a few questions for my breast nurse who was there with me throughout the whole procedure, something I was very thankful for.
It was a different team doing the procedure but equally as lovely. Everything was explained and I was made to feel very relaxed and reassured.
Despite the extensive bruising from the first biopsy I didn't feel a thing - the wonders of local anaesthetic. I even watched on the ultrasound screen as 6 tissue samples were sucked out of me.
Knowing I am a nurse I am sure my breast care nurse was dreading my questions, but if she was this never showed. We are due to go away for half term next week and I am very conscious of the importance of this family time before I start any treatment. My concern was that I was due back on the Wednesday to get results which would break up our trip. Not to mention that I am totally inpatient and knowing the results would be back this Friday I would go insane waiting.
I went ready with a sob story to beg them to give me the results sooner. However recently I didn't need it as straight away they were already organising an appointment for me to return Friday morning.
We discussed where I would want my treatment. Working for such an amazing hospital myself there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be treated at The Christie hospital. A place where I have worked for 10 years and have worked with such fantastic caring and compassionate staff in every department. I knew that it was a place that I can trust people and know that they would do anything they possibly could to cure this disease and look after my family along the way.
I must say that I cannot thank the team at Warrington enough for the compassion they have showed and everything they have done to speed things up for me. The hospital itself doesn't provide cancer treatment it would be at their neighbouring sites.
This evening I was very grateful that two very close friends from work came to visit me. They came with a beautiful gift, and they managed to life me out of a dark place.
I am not ready to die, I have a lot more to do and give and I cannot leave my family.
Even working in such a fantastic oncology hospital doesn't take away my fear of death that is associated with cancer. I know that once I have a full set of results I will be able to be positive once again.
I was back at the breast screening centre for a vacuum biopsy of the suspicious looking tissue that surrounds the tumour. I also went armed with a few questions for my breast nurse who was there with me throughout the whole procedure, something I was very thankful for.
It was a different team doing the procedure but equally as lovely. Everything was explained and I was made to feel very relaxed and reassured.
Despite the extensive bruising from the first biopsy I didn't feel a thing - the wonders of local anaesthetic. I even watched on the ultrasound screen as 6 tissue samples were sucked out of me.
Knowing I am a nurse I am sure my breast care nurse was dreading my questions, but if she was this never showed. We are due to go away for half term next week and I am very conscious of the importance of this family time before I start any treatment. My concern was that I was due back on the Wednesday to get results which would break up our trip. Not to mention that I am totally inpatient and knowing the results would be back this Friday I would go insane waiting.
I went ready with a sob story to beg them to give me the results sooner. However recently I didn't need it as straight away they were already organising an appointment for me to return Friday morning.
We discussed where I would want my treatment. Working for such an amazing hospital myself there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be treated at The Christie hospital. A place where I have worked for 10 years and have worked with such fantastic caring and compassionate staff in every department. I knew that it was a place that I can trust people and know that they would do anything they possibly could to cure this disease and look after my family along the way.
I must say that I cannot thank the team at Warrington enough for the compassion they have showed and everything they have done to speed things up for me. The hospital itself doesn't provide cancer treatment it would be at their neighbouring sites.
This evening I was very grateful that two very close friends from work came to visit me. They came with a beautiful gift, and they managed to life me out of a dark place.
I am not ready to die, I have a lot more to do and give and I cannot leave my family.
Even working in such a fantastic oncology hospital doesn't take away my fear of death that is associated with cancer. I know that once I have a full set of results I will be able to be positive once again.
Monday 23rd May 2016
First lot of results were given today at the breast unit. I am not sure whether it was what I was expecting or not but I think I had read so much about breast cancer the last few days I had already told myself what stage my cancer would be.
As I expected I was told that I had stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma insitu and confirmed that yes it was in my lymph nodes. The surgeon explained that until the further biopsy was done a bone scan and ct scan he couldn't tell me what the plan of treatment would be. However him and the breast care nurse both informed me that we would be looking at a full mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy and aim to cure.
The worst bit for me was being taken to the 'delivering bad news room'. In nursing we always talk about effective communication and setting the scene. This room was to me text book perfect. It was comfortable, quiet, bright, un-clinical but it made me feel sick and angry. Maybe this is because normally I am on the other side and never put myself in this situation. The setting just seemed so irrelevant right now I just needed answers about would I live or die all of which I know no one can tell me.
I got given a very informative breast cancer pack and went off to have my bloods taken. I felt concerned for my husband who no doubt hadn't understood much of what was just said as we spoke in clinical terms.
That night after watching Ava make her promise at Rainbows I decided to read her "mummy's got a lump" book. We are very close and she is very bright, there will be nothing I can or want to hide from her. We ended up laughing about "mummy's lump", having only one breast, and no hair, and she will even let me borrow her Elsa and Anna wigs! She had two very strong wishes for me, 1. That I don't die and 2. I don't wear a "silly scarf" on my head! Anyone who knows Ava will sympathise that it's best not to go against her wishes!
Ava has always known that mummy works in a hospital that looks after people with cancer. She tells people that I help patients to get better and go home, but sadly that they die sometimes. Right now I feel that this helped her have a greater understanding of what's going on.
First lot of results were given today at the breast unit. I am not sure whether it was what I was expecting or not but I think I had read so much about breast cancer the last few days I had already told myself what stage my cancer would be.
As I expected I was told that I had stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma insitu and confirmed that yes it was in my lymph nodes. The surgeon explained that until the further biopsy was done a bone scan and ct scan he couldn't tell me what the plan of treatment would be. However him and the breast care nurse both informed me that we would be looking at a full mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy and aim to cure.
The worst bit for me was being taken to the 'delivering bad news room'. In nursing we always talk about effective communication and setting the scene. This room was to me text book perfect. It was comfortable, quiet, bright, un-clinical but it made me feel sick and angry. Maybe this is because normally I am on the other side and never put myself in this situation. The setting just seemed so irrelevant right now I just needed answers about would I live or die all of which I know no one can tell me.
I got given a very informative breast cancer pack and went off to have my bloods taken. I felt concerned for my husband who no doubt hadn't understood much of what was just said as we spoke in clinical terms.
That night after watching Ava make her promise at Rainbows I decided to read her "mummy's got a lump" book. We are very close and she is very bright, there will be nothing I can or want to hide from her. We ended up laughing about "mummy's lump", having only one breast, and no hair, and she will even let me borrow her Elsa and Anna wigs! She had two very strong wishes for me, 1. That I don't die and 2. I don't wear a "silly scarf" on my head! Anyone who knows Ava will sympathise that it's best not to go against her wishes!
Ava has always known that mummy works in a hospital that looks after people with cancer. She tells people that I help patients to get better and go home, but sadly that they die sometimes. Right now I feel that this helped her have a greater understanding of what's going on.
Why blog???
I have always lived my life trying to turn a negative into a positive but right now that's something that I am finding incredibly hard to do. I am taking great comfort from the overwhelming amount of love and support I am receiving from all my friends, family and colleagues and have realised that some people genuinely want to know how things are going. Depending of the time of day someone catches me depends on the response that they will get.
From as young as I can remember I wanted to help people and make a difference to their life. I guess thats why I find myself at 34 managing a ward in a leading oncology hospital. Caring for people with cancer can be incredibly sad but very rewarding. When 1 in 3 people get cancer I have always known that there was a strong possibility one day it could be me.......just not at 34!
Any nurse will know that dark humour can sometimes get you through some very difficult times. It wasn't long ago that a group of us were deciding which cancer we would prefer to get, what treatment we would have and where would we have our treatment. Here I find myself about to live out that bizarre conversation.
Everyone knows I like to talk and I like to be open and honest so I decided to try and blog about the whole experience. Please ignore my grammar, that's something I have never been very good at and if it bugs you (Nan) please choose to speak to me instead. Maybe I should try and spend some of my long days learning English properly!
Right now my only intention of doing this is to describe my "journey". I say it like that because the word journey has always been one that makes me think of exciting trips, yet now it's a word that people seem to use to describe this awful path I am beginning to walk. Who knows maybe along the way I will discover things and by talking so openly about it, it will change the way I nurse in the future or how some of my colleagues nurse. Maybe some of my friends and family will change the way that they look at life or simply understand more about cancer.
I have always lived my life trying to turn a negative into a positive but right now that's something that I am finding incredibly hard to do. I am taking great comfort from the overwhelming amount of love and support I am receiving from all my friends, family and colleagues and have realised that some people genuinely want to know how things are going. Depending of the time of day someone catches me depends on the response that they will get.
From as young as I can remember I wanted to help people and make a difference to their life. I guess thats why I find myself at 34 managing a ward in a leading oncology hospital. Caring for people with cancer can be incredibly sad but very rewarding. When 1 in 3 people get cancer I have always known that there was a strong possibility one day it could be me.......just not at 34!
Any nurse will know that dark humour can sometimes get you through some very difficult times. It wasn't long ago that a group of us were deciding which cancer we would prefer to get, what treatment we would have and where would we have our treatment. Here I find myself about to live out that bizarre conversation.
Everyone knows I like to talk and I like to be open and honest so I decided to try and blog about the whole experience. Please ignore my grammar, that's something I have never been very good at and if it bugs you (Nan) please choose to speak to me instead. Maybe I should try and spend some of my long days learning English properly!
Right now my only intention of doing this is to describe my "journey". I say it like that because the word journey has always been one that makes me think of exciting trips, yet now it's a word that people seem to use to describe this awful path I am beginning to walk. Who knows maybe along the way I will discover things and by talking so openly about it, it will change the way I nurse in the future or how some of my colleagues nurse. Maybe some of my friends and family will change the way that they look at life or simply understand more about cancer.